Dishonesty Can Destroy your Marriage

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. One weakness you do not want in a marriage relationship is a tendency to be dishonest. Even in the smallest things, dishonesty will ruin your marriage. 

There are several reasons your spouse may be dishonest with you.

• They may have disappointed you once before, and they are afraid of how you will react.
• They may have promised to change, and they didn’t
• They may have promised to do something but didn’t, even though they meant to.

People often lie not to deceive, but to protect themselves. They are ashamed of what they’re trying to cover up, afraid of the consequences, and they don’t want to have to see your disappointment in them. The reasons do not justify the act, though

Dishonesty will eventually break down and ruin your marriage.

Lying is a selfish act. People try to argue they were doing it to protect someone or something.  Lying is usually to cover up something. To keep it secret. To avoid getting in trouble. To avoid hurting another person, so the relationship does not change. Lying only benefits you.

One lie leads to another. If you don’t tell the truth on something seemingly harmless, you’ll be very uncomfortable the first time. The second time you do it, it will be easier. Pretty soon, you’ll lie about things of more significant consequence. You’ll have to invent another lie to cover your tracks on the original lie. It’s just not worth it.

Dishonesty destroys your spouse’s trust. When your spouse learns that you’ve been dishonest with him or her, they’ll have a harder time taking you at your word. Even if they forgive dishonesty, it will be more difficult for them to trust you with the things they value.

Dishonesty hurts your spouse. The hurt’s depth depends on the type of lying, what the lie was about, the length of time the lie has been covered up, and whether or not the lie deals with a sensitive subject. Hurt takes time to heal. When you trust someone, you are vulnerable to them. Dishonesty crushes you. It feels like you can’t trust your partner anymore. It also feels like you had the deepest parts of you abused.

Dishonesty in your marriage can be overcome. You can live a happy life together, full of trust and honesty if you are both willing to confront the issue.

1. Let the dishonest spouse know that you are aware that they have been dishonest. Gently explain that you feel very betrayed, and this is painful for you.

2. Ask your spouse, “Why didn’t you think I’d listen to the truth?” Hear them out.

3. Tell them you feel deeply hurt and betrayed because they lied to you.

4. Reassure your spouse that you want to have a relationship with them that isn’t painful and doesn’t include deception.

Learn to be honest in your marriage. Honesty provides safety and trust in relationships.

Has Your Spouse Checked Out of Your Marriage?

Have you ever had that feeling that your spouse seemed to be pulling away from the marriage relationship?  It isn’t anything they say but more likely something you notice through their actions or reactions or lack thereof.

Pulling away from the relationship can be a temporary thing. Sometimes a partner may seem to be not as affectionate or present in the relationship because they under pressure at work, they are preoccupied with family matters, or they have a medical issue. However, pulling away from the marriage relationship can also be a sign that your marriage is in trouble.

Here are four signs that your partner might be slowly checking out of the marriage and what you can do about it.

1. The phone, the computer, or the TV has replaced conversation between you and your spouse.

Couples who still have a connection want to hear about their partner’s day, and are truly interested in the things their partner has to say. This is not to say you are still as fascinated by every single word which comes out of his or her mouth as you were in the early days of your relationship, but you are still invested in your conversations and your life together. You shouldn’t have to compete with the phone, computer, or TV to get your spouse’s attention. This is a warning signal.

2. The only communication between you and your spouse seem to be arguments.

There’s nothing wrong with having an argument from time to time to clear the air, so long as you fight fair by not aiming any particularly low blows at your partner. Communication—not arguing—is the backbone of any healthy relationship, and when your daily communication is lacking, one or both partners may begin to resent the other frequent arguments are a serious warning sign.

Red Flag: While arguing may not be very fun, couples that argue still care enough about their relationship to want to change it and make it better. When the words “never” and “always” are thrown into the arguments, the partner using those words may be emotionally giving up on the relationship. This is particularly true when your arguments are the same, time and time again, without any resolution to the issues.

What to do?

Schedule a time to sit down and discuss issues calmly. Address the issues with “ I feel” statements, such as “I feel like you are not listening to me when I have expressed concern about being able to pay our bills and then finding out that you charged this item to our credit card without discussing it with me.” Attack the issue, not the person. Then ask for their input for a solution. “ I am scared about being in too much debt. Do you have a solution on how we can handle this going forward?”

3. Your Spouse prioritizes time with friends over time with you.

In the first throes of love, most couples can hardly stand to be apart from one another. Even after years go by, however, you should still enjoy spending time with one another, laughing with one another, and engaging in lighthearted, playful behavior, at least once in a while. If you start noticing a trend where your partner frequently puts time with their friends ahead of time with you, which is a warning sign.

Red Flag: When your spouse’s plans virtually never involve you or vice-versa, there is a lack of connection in your relationship.

4. You and your spouse rarely have intimate contact.

When you and your spouse don’t have intimate contact- even to hold hands, your bond of intimacy is broken. While it is natural for interest in sexual intimacy to taper off after years of marriage, couples that are still in love will still usually offer a squeeze of the hand, a pat or a hug. Almost no contact is a warning sign

Red flag: When your partner shows a total lack of physical intimacy,  (in the bedroom or otherwise) then the connection you once had may be gone.

What to do? 

Start slow and small. Give your spouse a hug in the morning with a smile and a hello. Keep building upon that to kind acts of affection and small intimate touches or kisses. Start to rekindle that flame.

Feeling your partner pull away from the relationship can be hurtful, but don’t jump to conclusions. If you notice your spouse is just not putting much effort into the relationship, it is important to reach out and connect. It might be time to talk about it and discuss what to improve your relationship so you can get back on track and explore what’s going on.

What It Takes To Survive Marital Infidelity

When one partner cheats on another in a marriage, it is an intimate betrayal of their marriage vows. A sacred trust is broken and that results in a lot of anger, hurt, and self doubt. Infidelity is a deep wound that will take a lot of time to heal. Repairing the broken trust in a marriage after an affair takes a lot of work. However, couples that have rebuilt their marriage and recovered from an affair claim that their marriage is now stronger than it was before the affair.

Statistically, it is difficult to know how many couples stay together after infidelity has occurred. A lot depends upon how strong the commitment to one another is. If a couple has been married for a while, have children, and own a house together, they have a big incentive to go through the work of rebuilding their marriage.

The cheating or affair must end.

Whether it was a one-time thing that did not mean anything or a long-term affair where there were feelings involved, the spouse that cheated cannot continue to see those other people or any new people. They need to end those relationships forever. You cannot repair broken trust in you marriage if you are still breaking that trust.

Clear the air.

The spouse who was cheated on deserves the truth. The person who cheated needs to take full responsibility for cheating. You need to allow a period of time where he or she should be able to ask as many questions as they want to about the affair and share how it has made them feel. In turn, if you are the one that cheated, you need to commit to being completely honest with your partner about what happened. Some people need to hear the details. Others may not want to know so much about the details. In order for forgiveness to begin, you and your partner need to clear the air about what happened in the affair and why.

Address the issues.

Spouses cheat for many different reasons, but it almost always leads back to some type of issue in the marriage relationship.

• Lack of communication
• Infrequent sex
• Not spending time together
• Feeling taken for granted

Having problems in the marriage relationship is not an excuse for cheating. However, if a couple can start talking about issues that exist in their marriage outside of the cheating, and start taking steps to address those issues, it can help each spouse feel more comfortable that cheating in the future will be less likely to occur.

Take time to recreate your relationship

Whoever did the cheating in the relationship, needs to understand that healing from their actions will require patience. They will need to work at rebuilding trust in the relationship. Both partners will have to understand that their relationship will not ever go back to the way it was, but a new and happy relationship can be built if they are willing to work at it. The couple will need to eliminate the things in their relationship that were not working and replace them with new, healthier habits.

Couples that realize that they still love each other and are willing to work at it, can recreate a relationship built on honesty and trust can grow stronger, gain a better insight into each other, and define what they want from their marriage.

Can Your Marriage Weather A Job Loss?

Unemployment can be a root of many problems such as lack of money, time management, and self-control. Often times, problems that existed in the marriage before the job loss can get magnified when unemployment hits.

If you are going to weather through this job loss, you can’t afford to tear each other down or apart. Now is the time when you need to be able to reassure your spouse that things are going to be okay and he or she needs to reassure you that you that you important and have value.

Four things will get you and your spouse through this job loss: Understanding, Communication, Trust, and Affection.

Ask for understanding.

Own up to poor job performance, poor reviews, or a specific incident at work that led to your being let go. Support in a marriage includes being truthful when it hurts. Yes, it is painful at the time, but it is the beginning of healing. Be honest with your spouse about what caused your job loss and ask for understanding.

Remain calm and treat your job search as if it is your job.

Panicking and getting angry will cause the entire family to do the same. Calmly talk about your job loss with your spouse and reassure her or him that you will find another job. Talk about options such as looking in your field, networking with friends and others in the industry, and actively shoring up our skills so your will be more marketable. Involving your souse in the planning will help put a positive spin on things.

Keep up your work hours and stay the course

You are not on vacation because you lost your job. This is not your time to sleep late, start doing those extra projects around the house you have been wanting to get to, etc. You need to maintain your work ethic and be aggressively researching, networking and pursuing job leads. It is important that your spouse and family see you working hard to land a new job.

Be affectionate and open with your spouse.

This is a time when you both need to lean in towards each other and lean on each other for support, encouragement and love. You and your spouse are going through this job loss together. You will need to talk about ways to tighten your belts, cut back on unnecessary expenditures, do without luxuries and make do with less until things turn around.

Share small victories

Let your spouse read through your updated resume and accept her corrections positively. Did you land an interview? Celebrate that with your spouse. Frequent sharing of job hunting victories will show transparency, build trust, and release stress. 

Unemployment could last a while but it will not last forever. Your marriage will survive a job loss if you lean into one another and work together to keep you love alive.

Shared Chores Strengthen Your Parenting & Marriage

Now that school is back in session and many businesses have reopened, it is more important than ever to divide the household chores and responsibilities so that all family members share the workload. Children should be given regular chores.

Unfortunately children can be pros at procrastination, excuses, resistance and refusal when it comes to chores. This cause a lot of conflict between parents and children.

“I promise I’ll do it after this programs is over.”

“ Bobbie doesn’t have to do this; why do I always have to?”

“I’m not going to do that and you can’t make me!”

Children are self-absorbed and often do not consider the needs of others. They have no idea how much work is involved in running a household. When kids refuse to do the chores and you have to resort to nagging and imposing consequences it can seem like it would be easier just to do them yourself. DON’T!

Chores teach children important life skills

Chores teach children responsibility, accountability, time management, and honesty. Holding them accountable for their chores can increase their sense responsibility and actually make them more responsible. Kids who have regular chores begin to see themselves as important contributors to the family. They feel a connection to the family. 

You and your spouse need to set the tone to encourage participation by our children.

If parents do chores with a sense of commitment, patience and humor, children will have a model to do likewise. Send the message that these are the tasks that need to be completed in order for your household to run smoothly and that everyone in the family is encouraged and expected to participate.

Make a list

Make a list of all the tasks that need to be done each week. Now estimate how much time it takes to complete each task and write that next to the task.

Determine who can do what

You and your spouse need to determine which tasks the children can do and which ones require an adult. Kids can start taking on household chores and small tasks as early as two years old.

• 2-3 year old children can put toys in a bin and sort clothes in the laundry by color-darks and lights. They can wash vegetables are part of preparing the meal.

• 3-4 year old children can help set the table, dust baseboards and low shelves, and help unpack groceries and put them away. They can also make their own bed and pick up toys and put them away.

• 5-6 year old children can put on their own clothes, brush their teeth and get ready for bed. They can feed the pet or water the plants.

• 7-9 year old children can set the table, help cook dinner, clean the dishes, and wipe down the table. They can dust furniture in their room and put their clothes and toys away.

• 10-12 year old children can wash the car, wash clothes, dry and fold clothes, put dishes in the dishwasher and help cook dinner.

• Teenagers can mow the lawn, rake leaves, take inventory of the refrigerator and make grocery lists, plan and cook meals, and learn to pay bills.

Hold a Family meeting

Discuss chores, when and how they will be starting, how often they will be done and ask for input from each child. Such times together can build morale, improve relationships, and facilitate creative problem solving.

With everyone pitching in, no one spouse is burdened with an unfair share of the workload. You are also instilling a “work ethic” in your children that will be necessary throughout their lives.

No Boundaries For Children Disrupts Your Marriage

Children are a blessing, until they’re not. In today’s society, many parents have overindulged their children to the detriment of their own marriage. We have all seen the parents in the restaurant with the child throwing a tantrum because they don’t get their way.

Why do parents spoil their children? Some do it temporarily to placate them into behaving. “If you are a good girl while we are in the stores, Mommy will buy you a toy.”  Often, both parents work and are riddled with guilt at not being able to spend enough time with their children. They overcompensate by spending most of their free time taking their children to sports and activities. Then there are those parents that indulge their children because thy do not want to lose their friendship, so they don’t discipline or set boundaries for their children.

As these children grow up, they believe that everything should be “ all about them”. Parents have sent the message that the children are “in charge”. It is not long before your precious children are mean, uncaring, selfish, “brats”, who will have trouble making friends, having a meaningful relationship with others, and negotiating with or deferring to others.

It is not too late for parents to protect their relationships with each other while also caring for a child with challenging behavior? 

Change your priorities. Prioritize your partner and your marriage over the children. Stop downgrading your needs. Make sure you and your partner make time for each other daily. Show your spouse how important they are to you by greeting them with a smile and a kiss when they walk through the door. A happy marriage produces happy, healthy children.

Protect your time together as a couple. Every couple needs time for intimate conversations and sex. Hire a babysitter, send the kids to the grandparents for the night, or put a lock on your bedroom door if you have to, but give yourselves some privacy as a couple. Don’t permit children to barge in on you. Don’t let children interrupt you when you and your spouse are talking. It will take some training on how to be respectful, but it will be worth the effort in the long run.

Stop pretending to be the perfect parent. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Every parent makes mistakes. You do not have to give your child everything they ask for, or provide them the newest and latest stuff. Provide your children love, food, care, and family time. Just be a good parent.

Don’t cater to your children, involve them. Make every member of the family responsible for specific household tasks, including the children. Even small children can pick up their toys and straighten their room. Make a game of it. If everyone pitches in, there is more time for fun family activities.

Parent as a team by setting boundaries. You and your spouse need to spend some time talking about establishing daily routines for our children and what things you will not permit your children to do. Children need boundaries to help them feel safe and teach them right from wrong.  A specific daily routine lets them know what to expect each day. Anticipating bad behavior and setting consequences for that behavior helps parents establish a united front for the children and discipline with love.

You and your spouse have to work to establish and maintain boundaries with your children that allow you to connect to each other one-on-one and keep your marriage happy.

Has Covid-19 Magnified The Rocks In Your Marriage?

Quarantine has probably magnified and intensified things that you were already struggling with in your marriage. You’re not alone. Many couples are discovering difficulties with quarantine. You and your spouse’s fuses are shorter now and you are stuck together with more to stress about and get angry about.  You are stuck in between a hard place and a rock.

Every marriage is a rocky road. The question is how big are the rocks?

Pebbles: Annoyances

You are two individuals with unique personalities, needs and habits. Don’t be surprised that your spouse does little talcum things that annoy you.

If you let annoyances accumulate, if you give them power, eventually, they will take on a life of their own and escalate.

You can overlook them or you can address them. Overlooking them requires you to exercise patience, grace, empathy and humility. Addressing them is going to require conversation.

You can choose NOT to give things the power to annoy you. You can accept your spouse the way they are, warts and all.

Rocks: Disagreements

For most couples, it is only after you get married and start having to discuss the bigger issues in life that you figure what you see eye-to-eye on an what you don’t.  Disagreements on things like sex, parenting, and finances can become a big pebble between you and your spouse that rips you up every time the subject comes up.

You can respond or you can react. Responding to a disagreement may require a “time out” to get your emotions under control before you answer your partner. Reacting is going to require active listening and asking clarifying questions so you don’t react in anger.  You can stop, listen to what your partner is saying, put what you heard into your own words and ask your partner if that is what they meant. You are turning the disagreement into a conversation.

Marriage is work. The question is are you both willing to put in the effort?

Stones: Open conflict

In most marriages, there is a time when you or your partner crosses a boundary or makes a mistake that causes your marriage to veer off course. Intimacy wanes, communication becomes all about the business end of marriage and you both feel like you are living separate lives.

You can try to navigate the stones together or let the stones divide you. Navigation will require attacking the problem but not the person. Learning to communicate using “ I feel that…” rather than “ You did…” help diffuse the big fights. Intentionally making an effort to stay connected by positive emotional expressions and physical touch. Division only ends one way.

Remember the rock you started your marriage with – that beautiful diamond ring? Think about why you married your partner and make the choice to put in the effort to work on your marriage together.

Fun Family Vacations During Coronavirus Are Possible

After months of sheltering in place, couples and families need a break from the stress and strain of working and living under COVID-19. It is mid-summer and families everywhere are weighing the risks of taking a family vacation during COViD-19. Crowded beaches are not a wise choice, and traveling by air, especially internationally, has serious restrictions in place.

There are a few types of vacations that offer a safer, more isolated environment and a better chance of avoiding coming in contact with the coronavirus.

1. Rent a house in an isolated beach or wooded area.

Renting a whole house via platforms like Airbnb and VRBO means you won't be encountering other guests or staff during your stay as you might in a hotel.

Safety tip: Even if the home appears to be clean, wiping down any "high touch" areas with a disinfectant is a good idea. This includes things like counters, light switches, and doorknobs.

If you venture out in public, continue to wear masks and maintain social distancing. 

2. Plan a camping road trip.

If you need to get out of town, a road trip is a great way to see the sites from the safety of your vehicle. Choose well-known campgrounds that have re-opened and have thoroughly sanitized facilities.

Safety tips:

When you need to make rest stops, choose larger, well known chains or state-run facilities whenever possible, "which have adopted aggressive cleaning and sanitization protocols.”

Wear gloves to pump gas or use the rest room facilities and discard them before getting back in the car.

3. Rent an RV or camper

Rent an RV or camper, which combines the self-contained lodging of a vacation rental with the sightseeing possibilities of a road trip.

Safety tips: Inspect the RV or camper thoroughly and wipe down all surfaces with a disinfectant wipe. Use your own linens on bed areas.

4. Take a virtual vacation

If you live in an area with a stay-at-home order in place, or you're just hesitant to be out and about right now, take a getaway from the privacy of your home. World famous sites from London's Tower Bridge to Egypt's pyramids are offering free virtual tours online. Museums, zoos and aquariums are providing virtual guided tours or streaming animal cams.