Written by Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, the Marriage in a Box blog shares insights into common relationship struggles, gives ideas for moving beyond the roadblocks, and helps you find your path to happiness – both individually and within your relationship.
Apologizing is something everyone in a committed relationship needs to learn how to do, as it can help end arguments and make your partner feel better when their feelings are hurt. It does not matter who was right and who was wrong. You do not need to solve the issue before you apologize for the damage you caused.
A sincere apology helps both the victim and the person who you are asking for forgiveness. When should you apologize? At the end of a long and painful journey, after a fight where we can't take back the hurtful things we said, after weeks or even months of withdrawing from our partner emotionally. Essentially, anytime you feel you may have hurt your partner, you should apologize.
What is an apology?
An apology is a repair attempt born out of love and friendship, the purpose of which is to remind one another of your bond. An apology is admitting you made a mistake, hurt someone's feelings, did something really stupid, made a bad decision, or something else you know is not right.
How to apologize
When you apologize to your spouse, your apology should be genuine and sincere.
- “ I am sorry.”
Express your regret for what has been done.
- “I was wrong and should not have done that.”
Accept responsibility for your actions and words. You are owning your mistake and displaying that ownership to the person you may have hurt.
- “ I want to make this right and restore your confidence in me?”
State what you are willing to do to make things right again.
- “ I will try my best not to do that again.”
Emphasize your determination to not make the same mistake again.
- “Can you forgive me?”
You need to humble yourself and ask for your partner’s forgiveness. This also lets your partner know that you want to repair the damage and continue your relationship.
What NOT to do in your apology
- Don’t make excuses
- Don’t bring up the issues again
- Don’t place blame on your partner (even if they have some blame)
- Don’t make your apology contingent on your partner apologizing
- Don’t demand forgiveness
- Don’t make promises you won’t keep i.e. “ I will never do that again”
When you make an apology and request to be forgiven, it may be difficult for your spouse to forgive you. To forgive you, they must give up their feelings of hurt, anger, embarrassment, humiliation, rejection or betrayal. They will have to live with the consequences of your behavior. They may need time to process it all, so do not expect immediate forgiveness.
Be patient with your spouse, and yourself, and keep the lines of communication open. Forgiveness takes time.
There is no truly perfect marriage or a perfect partner. We all have flaws, but when those wicked little behaviors start robbing you and your partner of the joys of marriage, it is time to put an end to them.
- Being closed off to new experiences with your partner
Partners can adopt roles or routines that limit us and close us off to new things and experiences. “You know I don’t like that restaurant,” or “We always see a movie on Saturday night.” It hurts the relationship when we stop being free and open to developing new shared interests. It can foster real resentment between partners.
While we genuinely don’t like some things, try to remember what it was like when you were dating and experiencing new things with your partner. New experiences can help keep a marriage vibrant.
- Manipulating your partner
Some partners may engage in manipulative maneuvers to get what they want, such as trying to control a situation by falling apart, crying, blowing up or being intimidating. They may adopt roles that hurt or limit them in their relationship. One person becoming domineering and controlling, while the other acts passive and submissive.
It’s essential to say what we want without trying to dominate or control a situation. Being Direct is the best way to maintain an honest and authentic way of relating that gets us what we want in life.
- Sending mixed messages to your partner
Partners can drive each other crazy when their words and actions fail to match. Unfortunately, deception and duplicity are commonly used in a relationship. There can be mixed messages based on people that say one thing but do something else. Examples:
- Saying, “I really love you,” but then acting like you don’t have any time to spend with your partner.
- Saying, “I need to be close to you,” then continually criticizing your partner when he or she is around.
Actions that contradict your words do not look like love. Say what you mean and behave accordingly.
- Lack of affection and impersonal sex with your partner
Over time in a marriage, the sex can start to feel inadequate and impersonal. Some couples describe their sex lives as mechanical or highly routinized. The routine takes much of the excitement out of their attraction. There are outside circumstances that can affect or change one’s physical relationship. However, there’s often a lot of negative self-talk or “critical inner voices” that discourage us from pursuing our sexuality.
It’s essential to filter out the negative messages and stay in touch with this vital part of our partner and ourselves. Ideally, we should strive to keep in touch with our feelings, and be sensitive to our partner’s feelings. There should be a sharing and a give and take, with real intimate contact being made, which sparks loving feelings.
- Having a distorted image of your partner
We can sometimes see our partners for who we want them to be rather than who they are. We distort them by idealizing or putting them on a pedestal. We pick them apart, denigrating them by projecting negative qualities onto them that may not be there. We may see them as more critical, intrusive, or rejecting than they are because we grew up with people who had these qualities.
No one can feel loved unless they feel like they are seen realistically. When our partner builds us up or tears us down, we feel like we’re on shaky ground, not being loved for who we are.
Marriage is a joyful experience that you and your partner can enjoy fully if you will work on eliminating behaviors that are harmful to your marriage.
Every marriage can benefit from humor and joking. Teasing each other is a show of affection. Sometimes joking and teasing can go too far when it becomes personally belittling. Belittling can be a misguided, insulting joke or teasing that goes too far. “Oh, oh, you’re wearing the “fat dress” again.”
At the opposite end of the spectrum belittling is a form of verbal abuse used to make another person feel small, unimportant or disrespected. It tears at a person’s confidence and sense of self-esteem. Belittling can be used to exert control over someone else.
What is Belittling?
- Yelling or screaming at you to get a reaction.
- Insulting you—calling you fat, ugly or stupid—or criticizing your parenting skills or intelligence.
- Ignoring how you feel, disregarding your opinion or failing to recognize your contributions.
- Humiliating or embarrassing you, especially in front of family or friends.
- Bringing up past failures or mistakes as evidence of your incompetence or lack of intelligence.
- Forcing you to agree with them instead of forming or expressing your own opinion.
- Treating you as their property or as someone who has no value other than as a sex object.
- Denying the belittling, blaming it on you or criticizing you for making too big a deal out of it.
- Blaming you for their abusive behavior, but then turning around and telling you how much they love you.
How do you know if you are being verbally abused?
- By the way it makes you feel less than, and by the lack of a sincere apology when you express how hurtful the comment was.
- By how frequently the belittling comments occur.
- Are you afraid of your partner?
- Are you extra cautious whenever your partner is around not to do something to upset them?
It is hard to believe that someone you love and trust would deliberately try to hurt you in order to control you or make themselves seem powerful. However, no one deserves to be demeaned or insulted. In a health relationship, partners do not hurt each other intentionally. Respectful partners should build each other up, not purposefully put each other down.
How do you deal with belittling behavior?
Don’t underestimate belittling or brush it off. If a comment or action makes you feel bad, it’s your right to express your discomfort directly and to expect a genuine apology.
- Don’t retaliate or insult them back.
- Identify how the comment makes you feel, so that you can express your emotions.
- Tell your partner exactly how they made you feel and that you didn’t like it.
Healthy expression of feelings can strengthen a marriage, but unhealthy expressions of feelings can create distance and tear the marriage apart. If you suspect that your partner’s belittling behavior is more than just an innocent mistake, take time to discuss it with your partner or see a marriage counselor.
Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. One weakness you do not want in a marriage relationship is a tendency to be dishonest. Even in the smallest things, dishonesty will ruin your marriage.
There are several reasons your spouse may be dishonest with you.
- They may have disappointed you once before, and they are afraid of how you will react.
- They may have promised to change, and they didn’t
- They may have promised to do something but didn’t, even though they meant to.
People often lie not to deceive, but to protect themselves. They are ashamed of what they’re trying to cover up, afraid of the consequences, and they don’t want to have to see your disappointment in them. The reasons do not justify the act, though
Dishonesty will eventually break down and ruin your marriage.
Lying is a selfish act. People try to argue they were doing it to protect someone or something. Lying is usually to cover up something. To keep it secret. To avoid getting in trouble. To avoid hurting another person, so the relationship does not change. Lying only benefits you.
One lie leads to another. If you don’t tell the truth on something seemingly harmless, you’ll be very uncomfortable the first time. The second time you do it, it will be easier. Pretty soon, you’ll lie about things of more significant consequence. You’ll have to invent another lie to cover your tracks on the original lie. It’s just not worth it.
Dishonesty destroys your spouse’s trust. When your spouse learns that you’ve been dishonest with him or her, they’ll have a harder time taking you at your word. Even if they forgive dishonesty, it will be more difficult for them to trust you with the things they value.
Dishonesty hurts your spouse. The hurt’s depth depends on the type of lying, what the lie was about, the length of time the lie has been covered up, and whether or not the lie deals with a sensitive subject. Hurt takes time to heal. When you trust someone, you are vulnerable to them. Dishonesty crushes you. It feels like you can’t trust your partner anymore. It also feels like you had the deepest parts of you abused.
Dishonesty in your marriage can be overcome. You can live a happy life together, full of trust and honesty if you are both willing to confront the issue.
- Let the dishonest spouse know that you are aware that they have been dishonest. Gently explain that you feel very betrayed, and this is painful for you.
- Ask your spouse, “Why didn’t you think I’d listen to the truth?” Hear them out.
- Tell them you feel deeply hurt and betrayed because they lied to you.
- Reassure your spouse that you want to have a relationship with them that isn’t painful and doesn’t include deception.
Learn to be honest in your marriage. Honesty provides safety and trust in relationships.
Have you ever had that feeling that your spouse seemed to be pulling away from the marriage relationship? It isn’t anything they say but more likely something you notice through their actions or reactions or lack thereof.
Pulling away from the relationship can be a temporary thing. Sometimes a partner may seem to be not as affectionate or present in the relationship because they under pressure at work, they are preoccupied with family matters, or they have a medical issue. However, pulling away from the marriage relationship can also be a sign that your marriage is in trouble.
Here are four signs that your partner might be slowly checking out of the marriage and what you can do about it.
- The phone, the computer, or the TV has replaced conversation between you and your spouse.
Couples who still have a connection want to hear about their partner’s day, and are truly interested in the things their partner has to say. This is not to say you are still as fascinated by every single word which comes out of his or her mouth as you were in the early days of your relationship, but you are still invested in your conversations and your life together. You shouldn’t have to compete with the phone, computer, or TV to get your spouse’s attention. This is a warning signal.
Red Flag: When there is never any time set aside for the two of you to talk as partners, friends and lovers, the bond between the two of you is broken.
What to do?
Don’t ignore this behavior. Your partner is tuning you out. Ask your partner to set aside 25 minutes without interruption for you both to talk bout what is happening and what can be done to change the behavior.
- The only communication between you and your spouse seem to be arguments.
There’s nothing wrong with having an argument from time to time to clear the air, so long as you fight fair by not aiming any particularly low blows at your partner. Communication—not arguing—is the backbone of any healthy relationship, and when your daily communication is lacking, one or both partners may begin to resent the other frequent arguments are a serious warning sign.
Red Flag: While arguing may not be very fun, couples that argue still care enough about their relationship to want to change it and make it better. When the words “never” and “always” are thrown into the arguments, the partner using those words may be emotionally giving up on the relationship. This is particularly true when your arguments are the same, time and time again, without any resolution to the issues.
What to do?
Schedule a time to sit down and discuss issues calmly. Address the issues with “ I feel” statements, such as “I feel like you are not listening to me when I have expressed concern about being able to pay our bills and then finding out that you charged this item to our credit card without discussing it with me.” Attack the issue, not the person. Then ask for their input for a solution. “ I am scared about being in too much debt. Do you have a solution on how we can handle this going forward?”
- Your Spouse prioritizes time with friends over time with you.
In the first throes of love, most couples can hardly stand to be apart from one another. Even after years go by, however, you should still enjoy spending time with one another, laughing with one another, and engaging in lighthearted, playful behavior, at least once in a while. If you start noticing a trend where your partner frequently puts time with their friends ahead of time with you, which is a warning sign.
Red Flag: When your spouse’s plans virtually never involve you or vice-versa, there is a lack of connection in your relationship.
- You and your spouse rarely have intimate contact.
When you and your spouse don’t have intimate contact- even to hold hands, your bond of intimacy is broken. While it is natural for interest in sexual intimacy to taper off after years of marriage, couples that are still in love will still usually offer a squeeze of the hand, a pat or a hug. Almost no contact is a warning sign
Red flag: When your partner shows a total lack of physical intimacy, (in the bedroom or otherwise) then the connection you once had may be gone.
What to do?
Start slow and small. Give your spouse a hug in the morning with a smile and a hello. Keep building upon that to kind acts of affection and small intimate touches or kisses. Start to rekindle that flame.
Feeling your partner pull away from the relationship can be hurtful, but don’t jump to conclusions. If you notice your spouse is just not putting much effort into the relationship, it is important to reach out and connect. It might be time to talk about it and discuss what to improve your relationship so you can get back on track and explore what’s going on.
When one partner cheats on another in a marriage, it is an intimate betrayal of their marriage vows. A sacred trust is broken and that results in a lot of anger, hurt, and self doubt. Infidelity is a deep wound that will take a lot of time to heal. Repairing the broken trust in a marriage after an affair takes a lot of work. However, couples that have rebuilt their marriage and recovered from an affair claim that their marriage is now stronger than it was before the affair.
Statistically, it is difficult to know how many couples stay together after infidelity has occurred. A lot depends upon how strong the commitment to one another is. If a couple has been married for a while, have children, and own a house together, they have a big incentive to go through the work of rebuilding their marriage.
The cheating or affair must end.
Whether it was a one-time thing that did not mean anything or a long-term affair where there were feelings involved, the spouse that cheated cannot continue to see those other people or any new people. They need to end those relationships forever. You cannot repair broken trust in you marriage if you are still breaking that trust.
Clear the air.
The spouse who was cheated on deserves the truth. The person who cheated needs to take full responsibility for cheating. You need to allow a period of time where he or she should be able to ask as many questions as they want to about the affair and share how it has made them feel. In turn, if you are the one that cheated, you need to commit to being completely honest with your partner about what happened. Some people need to hear the details. Others may not want to know so much about the details. In order for forgiveness to begin, you and your partner need to clear the air about what happened in the affair and why.
Address the issues.
Spouses cheat for many different reasons, but it almost always leads back to some type of issue in the marriage relationship.
- Lack of communication
- Infrequent sex
- Not spending time together
- Feeling taken for granted
Having problems in the marriage relationship is not an excuse for cheating. However, if a couple can start talking about issues that exist in their marriage outside of the cheating, and start taking steps to address those issues, it can help each spouse feel more comfortable that cheating in the future will be less likely to occur.
Take time to recreate your relationship
Whoever did the cheating in the relationship, needs to understand that healing from their actions will require patience. They will need to work at rebuilding trust in the relationship. Both partners will have to understand that their relationship will not ever go back to the way it was, but a new and happy relationship can be built if they are willing to work at it. The couple will need to eliminate the things in their relationship that were not working and replace them with new, healthier habits.
Couples that realize that they still love each other and are willing to work at it, can recreate a relationship built on honesty and trust can grow stronger, gain a better insight into each other, and define what they want from their marriage.
Unemployment can be a root of many problems such as lack of money, time management, and self-control. Often times, problems that existed in the marriage before the job loss can get magnified when unemployment hits.
If you are going to weather through this job loss, you can’t afford to tear each other down or apart. Now is the time when you need to be able to reassure your spouse that things are going to be okay and he or she needs to reassure you that you that you important and have value.
Four things will get you and your spouse through this job loss: Understanding, Communication, Trust, and Affection.
Ask for understanding.
Own up to poor job performance, poor reviews, or a specific incident at work that led to your being let go. Support in a marriage includes being truthful when it hurts. Yes, it is painful at the time, but it is the beginning of healing. Be honest with your spouse about what caused your job loss and ask for understanding.
Remain calm and treat your job search as if it is your job.
Panicking and getting angry will cause the entire family to do the same. Calmly talk about your job loss with your spouse and reassure her or him that you will find another job. Talk about options such as looking in your field, networking with friends and others in the industry, and actively shoring up our skills so your will be more marketable. Involving your souse in the planning will help put a positive spin on things.
Keep up your work hours and stay the course
You are not on vacation because you lost your job. This is not your time to sleep late, start doing those extra projects around the house you have been wanting to get to, etc. You need to maintain your work ethic and be aggressively researching, networking and pursuing job leads. It is important that your spouse and family see you working hard to land a new job.
Be affectionate and open with your spouse.
This is a time when you both need to lean in towards each other and lean on each other for support, encouragement and love. You and your spouse are going through this job loss together. You will need to talk about ways to tighten your belts, cut back on unnecessary expenditures, do without luxuries and make do with less until things turn around.
Share small victories
Let your spouse read through your updated resume and accept her corrections positively. Did you land an interview? Celebrate that with your spouse. Frequent sharing of job hunting victories will show transparency, build trust, and release stress.
Unemployment could last a while but it will not last forever. Your marriage will survive a job loss if you lean into one another and work together to keep you love alive.
Now that school is back in session and many businesses have reopened, it is more important than ever to divide the household chores and responsibilities so that all family members share the workload. Children should be given regular chores.
Unfortunately children can be pros at procrastination, excuses, resistance and refusal when it comes to chores. This cause a lot of conflict between parents and children.
“I promise I’ll do it after this programs is over.”
“ Bobbie doesn’t have to do this; why do I always have to?”
“I’m not going to do that and you can’t make me!”
Children are self-absorbed and often do not consider the needs of others. They have no idea how much work is involved in running a household. When kids refuse to do the chores and you have to resort to nagging and imposing consequences it can seem like it would be easier just to do them yourself. DON’T!
Chores teach children important life skills
Chores teach children responsibility, accountability, time management, and honesty. Holding them accountable for their chores can increase their sense responsibility and actually make them more responsible. Kids who have regular chores begin to see themselves as important contributors to the family. They feel a connection to the family.
You and your spouse need to set the tone to encourage participation by our children.
If parents do chores with a sense of commitment, patience and humor, children will have a model to do likewise. Send the message that these are the tasks that need to be completed in order for your household to run smoothly and that everyone in the family is encouraged and expected to participate.
Make a list
Make a list of all the tasks that need to be done each week. Now estimate how much time it takes to complete each task and write that next to the task.
Determine who can do what
You and your spouse need to determine which tasks the children can do and which ones require an adult. Kids can start taking on household chores and small tasks as early as two years old.
- 2-3 year old children can put toys in a bin and sort clothes in the laundry by color-darks and lights. They can wash vegetables are part of preparing the meal.
- 3-4 year old children can help set the table, dust baseboards and low shelves, and help unpack groceries and put them away. They can also make their own bed and pick up toys and put them away.
- 5-6 year old children can put on their own clothes, brush their teeth and get ready for bed. They can feed the pet or water the plants.
- 7-9 year old children can set the table, help cook dinner, clean the dishes, and wipe down the table. They can dust furniture in their room and put their clothes and toys away.
- 10-12 year old children can wash the car, wash clothes, dry and fold clothes, put dishes in the dishwasher and help cook dinner.
- Teenagers can mow the lawn, rake leaves, take inventory of the refrigerator and make grocery lists, plan and cook meals, and learn to pay bills.
Hold a Family meeting
Discuss chores, when and how they will be starting, how often they will be done and ask for input from each child. Such times together can build morale, improve relationships, and facilitate creative problem solving.
With everyone pitching in, no one spouse is burdened with an unfair share of the workload. You are also instilling a “work ethic” in your children that will be necessary throughout their lives.
