Written by Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, the Marriage in a Box blog shares insights into common relationship struggles, gives ideas for moving beyond the roadblocks, and helps you find your path to happiness – both individually and within your relationship.
Finances are one the three reasons married couples call it quits. Most money issues in marriage come down to one main factor: both partners have different core values about money. Many of these monetary values started early in life and are tough to change. One spouse might have been raised to value saving and investing. The other might have been taught to indulge his or her whims, even if it means living paycheck to paycheck.
It’s tough for partners who view money, saving, and spending in fundamentally conflicting ways to manage household finances successfully as a team. Here are four ways to get started talking about your money.
Avoid playing the Blame Game.
Rather than working together, some partners start to place blame on the other person. This blaming creates conflict and resentment. The financial strain creates stress. Worries over how the bills will get paid, collectors, repossessions, and evictions overshadow positive aspects of your marriage.
Avoiding the blame game won’t fix all of your problems, but it’ll be impossible to fix anything if you’re at each other’s throats.
Talk openly about money.
Communication is the most critical part of any relationship. Communicating about money is one of the most important kinds of communication, even if it might be one of the most awkward.
Money issues add stress to your marriage. To minimize and prevent those issues, it is essential to start with a conversation about your financial values. Understanding each other’s priorities and the how and whys before significant expenses are made can help you plan for them as a team.
Sharing everything from your assets down to your debts.
Start by tallying up what each of you owns and what you owe. Assets include things like your savings and retirement accounts. Your liabilities may consist of student debt, a car or business loan, credit card balances, and even mortgages. When you marry, you're combining your assets, but that also means you take on each other's debts.
Whether you have been married ten months or ten years, you both need to know where you stand.
Start budgeting for your dreams
After everything's been laid on the table, start talking about where the two of you want to go from here. When you start with a positive goal in mind, it is easier to make a budget and stick to it. Make a list of your monthly expenses- fixed and variable. After costs are taken out of your monthly paychecks, what is left over? That leftover is what you have to invest and grow. If your expenses are more than your monthly paychecks, you need to look hard at your expenses and find areas to cut back.
Many couples have a hard time talking about money, but there’ll only be more trouble down the line if you don’t. It’s better to speak early and often, and enjoy the priceless treasure that is your marriage. You can receive more marriage strengthening tips at Marriage in a Box.
Communicating with others, especially in an intimate relationship, is a slippery slope that many couples struggle with. It is delicate dance between what you want, what your partner wants, how you express yourself, how well you listen….and on and on it goes. Communication involves effective listening, and clear, respectful, and open discussion.
What it all boils down to is intimate diplomacy. You both want to be heard and understood. Here are seven simple steps to use for effective communication in your marriage.
Give your partner your full attention. Turn off or put down any distracting technology. Lean in towards your partner a little bit. Let your body language send a message of connection–especially if you are concerned that topic may create distance, at first.
Open up with an “I feel..statement” that takes the pressure off your partner. This doesn’t mean something like “I need you to change,” either! Own your own feelings and use language that indicates your awareness that each of us is responsible for our own thoughts and behavior.
Invite your partner to share their perceptions and listen carefully. Practice using wait time to allow your partner to respond to you.
Don’t interrupt! Stay focused, attentive, and connected. Even if you particularly like or simply don’t agree with what is being said. Hang in there and keep your focus.
Reframe what you heard your partner say, “What I hear you saying is…” or “If I understand you correctly, then I think you feel…” This lets your partner know that you really care about the message being conveyed and that you are invested in making sure you heard it accurately.
Communicate your ideas for solutions with collaborative words. Maybe something like, “Well, perhaps we could try…” Or, “What if I did ... and you did ..." Or, “I’m stuck. What do you think we need to do next?”
Be prepared to continue the conversation at another time. Sometimes, issues or decisions cannot be resolved right away. You and your partner need to be willing to take a time out to process the information and think about possible solutions.
Working on your communication skills with your partner will result in mores satisfying conversations, harmony more productive decisions, and a deeper intimate relationship with your partner.
It is the week after New Years and the official end of the holiday season. Like many other couples, you and your spouse have likely made New Year’s resolutions to get organized, get healthier, and pay more attention to your marriage. The only two things standing in your way is COVID-19 and winter.
Winter combined with COVID sheltering in place can be a depressing time for many people as cold days drag on. Time to reinvigorate your mindset and your marriage with some healthy winter date ideas.
- Embrace the cold. Get out early and enjoy the cool, fresh winter air. Take your spouse for a morning walk in the neighborhood and release those pent up endorphins. If you have snow, take in the winter wonderland. Even if you don’t have snow, you can enjoy the fresh air and beautiful scenery as you and your sweetie stroll the streets of your neighborhood.
- Learn Yoga. Yoga is a perfect way for a couple to get re-centered, do some deep breathing and stretch those aching muscles out. There are several Beginner Yoga classes on YouTube and many Yoga studios offer online classes. Practice a few yoga poses in the comfort of your home and draw closer to your spouse through deep breathing and meditation.
- Spa Night. Put the kids to bed and have a spa night together. Create a soothing atmosphere with some aromatherapy or essential oil diffuser and spend some time pampering your spouse with a manicure and pedicure and wash their hair. Let them do the same for you. After all of that pampering, who knows where things will go?
- Wok Together! No, that’s not a typo. Wok is the pan that the Chinese cook their delicious dishes in. Plan a Chinese night with your spouse. Spend some time before dinner finding some Chinese proverbs to share during your date. Make your own Chinese dinner or order in. Be sure to ask them to include chopsticks to add a little challenge into the meal. Start with a pot of oolong tea and an egg roll. Take your time savoring various Chinese dishes and don’t forget the fortune cookies. After dinner, go online and find a page of Chinese horoscopes and have fun finding out which year you were born in.
- Healthy Picnic. Put together a picnic basket with healthy lunch ideas like turkey roll ups, cheese cubes, fruit, pita chips with hummus, and iced green tea. Put a blanket down on the family room or bedroom floor and enjoy a mid day picnic with your honey.
Try out a few of theses healthy date ideas and try to keep it going throughout the year.
When you are having marriage troubles, it is hard to see past the hurt and pain and put on a happy face for the sake of a special occasion. With Christmas and New Year’s right around the corner, you may be wondering how you and your spouse will get through the coming weeks. Here are 6 suggestions on how to celebrate the holidays despite your marriage troubles.
Forget Tradition. 2020 has been anything but a perfect year; so don’t expect a perfect Christmas. Let go of your expectations and traditions and aim for a holiday that is “happy enough.” It's more important for you, your spouse, and your children that you are fully present and engaged than it is to honor every tradition you’ve ever had.
Do something for someone else. Consider doing something to serve someone else through the season. It is always good to adjust your focus a little by getting outside of yourself and giving. It also creates a tangible way for you to remember there is always, always, always something to be thankful for.
Say No to extended family obligations. For right now, your immediate family needs your undivided attention. Throwing parents, siblings, and crazy aunts and uncles into an already difficult season is going to get really messy. Avoid the questions you don’t want to answer and get out of the conversations you don’t want to have. Just tell them “we have decided to do something out-of-the-ordinary this year.”
Skip the holiday parties. While it is tempting to go out and socialize, drown your sorrows in a cocktail, and ditch your spouse for a while, you are courting disaster. It won’t build you up and when your inhibitions are down, you are likely to make a fool of yourself and say things you wish you could take back.
Keep it simple. You may not feel like cooking the ham, potatoes, vegetable, and dessert for the whole family. Maybe you need to keep it simple this year. Order pizza, and let the feast go. Make do it yourself sundaes. Play board games. Don’t make demands of yourself or your spouse. Just focus on being with your family.
Make time for yourself everyday. Trying to put on a happy face amidst the busyness of the holidays when you are hurting and worried takes a lot of energy. Recharge your batteries by taking a little time for yourself every day. Sleep in, exercise, take a walk, listen to some music, or take a hot bubble bath. Do what makes you happy.
Here’s hoping that you enjoy a Happy Holiday.
When we try to hard to have the perfect holiday, it creates a lot of stress. Our mental to do list goes into overtime planning for joyful family gatherings, heartfelt gift giving, delicious food, and fun holiday events. Any time we set our expectations high, we can actually make ourselves miserable.
The reality is that many people overspend, overdo, and overeat during the holidays. Many try to do it all themselves, try to go to every holiday party and event, and fail to plan ahead or take time for them.
The key to relieving stress during this busy holiday season is to sit down with your spouse and plan for how much money you will devote to the holidays, how you will handle gift giving, family get-togethers, and parties and events. Here are 5 ways to do it.
- Set a budget and stick to it
Nothing puts stress on a relationship than overextending your finances during the holidays. Sit down with your spouse and make a list of gifts to buy, holiday purchases for decorations and food. Trim back your list by cutting back on the “extras” like more decorations or food or less expensive gifts. You don’t need to go overboard to have a great holiday.
- Learn to say NO.
You do not need to attend every holiday party and event. Make sure to space out parties and events so you have time to breathe in between. Decide as a couple which events to attend and say No to the rest.
- Ask for help.
You do not need to do everything yourselves. Make the holidays a family time and get everyone involved. Ask extended family to come to a cookie and candy swap. All the baking gets done and everyone goes home with lots of delicious goodies. Make the holiday meal a potluck so you don’t have to do all the cooking.
- Plan for last minute changes.
Holidays are also a time when plans don’t always go they way you want. Someone in the family gets sick and you have to cancel an event. The vegetable dish you were supposed to bring to the party turned our terrible. Life happens and you will get through it. Adjust your attitude and accept the change.
- Take care of yourself
Eating all the rich foods during the holidays and trying to pack in all of the events and parties can wreak havoc on your body. You each need time to take care of you. Prepare healthy meals. Get plenty of sleep. Take some time to get some exercise.
As this joyous holiday grows near, don’t get caught up in the endless stressors. Put your time and energy into what is most important-your marriage and your family.
Many people would love to have a “Hallmark” Christmas where the food and cookies are delicious, the House is decorated perfectly, and everyone gathers to meaningfully connect with family and friends. What happens when your expectations don’t mesh with reality?
Some people react with arguments and fights with family to try to make the moments into perfect ones. Other people hold it in and sulk in silence. Surely there is a healthy alternative that will allow everyone to enjoy the holidays in spite of what happens.
The truth is that more often than not, most people’s holidays have several mishaps and they cope by making back up plans and accepting what happens.
Check your expectations. Start by talking about your expectations for the holidays with your partner. Are your expectations realistic? Try to visualize the holiday. What do you and your partner picture? What are you doing together?
Are you picturing things? It is very easy to caught up in things at Christmas. The perfect decorations, cookies, and presents, etc. can require a lot of shopping, baking, and money.
Are you picturing intimate get-togethers or large family gatherings? Whatever you are picturing, you can both take time to get on the same page and decide what you want to do together. Rather than try to plan a family meal that you cook for everyone in the extended family, plan a smaller get together with each set of parents and make it a pot luck.
Bring your visions into reality. Take your perfect vision and adjust it to fit your circumstances.
In this year of COVID, many people are out of work or have had to pull in the reigns to make ends meet. Skip the expensive shopping and consider having the family make homemade decorations and gifts.
Perhaps you partner’s vision is those family traditions that his or her family always observed at Christmas. Chances are that you will not be able to recreate those exact traditions. Don’t try. Brainstorm some new traditions or a different version of traditional ones that you and your partner can create as your own.
Talking about your expectations together can help you both taper your expectations so that no one is disappointed, frustrated or angry. The key to a happy holiday is advance communication and planning.
Many couples tend to focus on the problems and conflicts in their marriage, believing that if they can just solve their problems their marriages will be happy. The reality is that no couple will ever solve all of their problems.
There are two types of problems in a marriage.
- Solvable problems are those that are situational, one-time or occasional problems. Solvable problems do not cause pain to a spouse. A solution can usually be found after discussion.
- Perpetual problems are conflicts that happen repeatedly and are rooted in personality traits or cultural beliefs or family upbringing. Perpetual problems cause pain and are usually emotional conflicts. No matter how often the couple discusses the problem, a solution is not found.
The process to arrive at a resolution or way to cope with both types of problems is the same. All people have a basic need to feel that they are understood and accepted. If you understand your spouse and accept who they are, you are able to communicate openly to resolve your issues.
In order for your marriage to remain a loving a safe place to be, we need to be willing to understand our partner.
Often our egos get in the way of trying to understand how our partner is feeling and what they need from us.
In any marital problem or conflict there are two subjective opinions, yours and theirs. No one has the right opinion and no one knows the right way. The problem or conflict is never one partner’s fault. When something happens, you see it one way and your partner sees it another way. It is a matter of perception.
The first step in resolving any problem or conflict is communicating to understand the problem or conflict. That means:
- No judgment
- No blaming
- No accusations
You need to take time to calm down, think about what made you upset, and what should change either resolve the problem or make it easier for you to cope with it.
In order for marriage to improve, we need to feel accepted by our spouse.
True acceptance means that you love your spouse for who they are, warts and all. It is not a conditional acceptance that your partner seeks. If you do this I will accept you, if you make more money I will be happy with you. Not accepting your spouse for who they are is rejection.
You fell in love with your spouse when they were not perfect; so do not require that they change their personality or intrinsic nature in order to be accepted by you.
- Focus on what you admire about your spouse.
- Focus on what makes you grateful for your spouse.
- Focus on the little things your spouse does to make you happy.
Unless your spouse feels accepted by you, it will be difficult to discuss any type of problems you have in the marriage. When people feel criticized, unappreciated, or disliked, they are too busy protecting themselves to have an open communication about issues.
There are no big magic, dramatic solutions to our problems in a marriage. The small everyday efforts we choose to make to understand and accept our spouses as they are will help resolve the problems are make them easier to cope with.
Too often when people have been together for a while, they have a tendency to take each other or granted. We may stop making an effort to be our best selves for our spouse. Before long, we are ignoring our spouses, not seeking their opinion on things, criticizing them for their values or beliefs, or becoming impatient when requesting something of them.
When you stop putting the needs and happiness of your spouse before you own, you have sunk into selfishness. Continue down this road and you will drive your spouse away. The hour has come for you to start being your best self for your spouse by sowing them respect and kindness.
Respect
Respect is the foundation of a healthy marriage. Couples enter into marriage voluntarily because they love each other, but they are individuals with differing needs and wants. As such, each partner in the relationship should be willing to:
- listen to their spouse
- be accepting of their differences
- be patient when requesting something or communicating, and
- respect their personal boundaries.
Respect is revealed in the things we say, the tone of voice we use, our expectations of our partner, and how we listen to our partner. There is no room in a marriage for rude or sarcastic remarks, name calling, criticism, anger or yelling. You do not seek to tear down someone you love. You need to treat your partner gently, tenderly, and protectively. Love is fragile and when someone close to you treats you harshly, that love is crushed.
Communication is essential for achieving respect in your marriage. The better you communicate, the better you can restore and maintain marital respect. Begin a conversation with praise and softly lead into the issue you want to discuss. State how you feel about an issue rather than accuse our partner of a behavior. Your aim is to keep the conversation positive and non-defensive so that it does not escalate to anger. Remember that you are talking to someone you love.
Kindness.
Don’t look for a reason to be kind; just be that way. Kindness is shown in a thousand ways, such as texting encouraging words, being a builder, having a shoulder to cry on, always finding the good, smiling, finding ways to serve your spouse, hugging your spouse, and thinking of them before you think of yourself.
It takes effort to be kind. You have to focus on the positive things about our spouse and tune out the negative. Both partners in a marriage are imperfect. Picking apart our partner for their differences does nothing to bring you closer together.
A small kind gesture or word may be just what your partner needs to face a harsh, unforgiving world. Be gentle, patient, forgiving, and positive with your spouse.
- A kiss on the check before work
- Keeping dinner warm in the oven when your spouse has to work late
- Forgiving your spouse when they forgot to take out the trash, or Encouraging our spouse with a “knock ‘em dead” before a big presentation makes a positive difference in their day that they will remember.
Respecting your spouse and treating them with kindness are two things that cost very little but can build a healthy, happy marriage.
