Repair Your Marriage With An Apology
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Apologizing is something everyone in a committed relationship needs to learn how to do, as it can help end arguments and make your partner feel better when their feelings are hurt. It does not matter who was right and who was wrong. You do not need to solve the issue before you apologize for the damage you caused.
A sincere apology helps both the victim and the person who you are asking for forgiveness. When should you apologize? At the end of a long and painful journey, after a fight where we can't take back the hurtful things we said, after weeks or even months of withdrawing from our partner emotionally. Essentially, anytime you feel you may have hurt your partner, you should apologize.
What is an apology?
An apology is a repair attempt born out of love and friendship, the purpose of which is to remind one another of your bond. An apology is admitting you made a mistake, hurt someone's feelings, did something really stupid, made a bad decision, or something else you know is not right.
How to apologize
When you apologize to your spouse, your apology should be genuine and sincere.
- “ I am sorry.”
Express your regret for what has been done.
- “I was wrong and should not have done that.”
Accept responsibility for your actions and words. You are owning your mistake and displaying that ownership to the person you may have hurt.
- “ I want to make this right and restore your confidence in me?”
State what you are willing to do to make things right again.
- “ I will try my best not to do that again.”
Emphasize your determination to not make the same mistake again.
- “Can you forgive me?”
You need to humble yourself and ask for your partner’s forgiveness. This also lets your partner know that you want to repair the damage and continue your relationship.
What NOT to do in your apology
- Don’t make excuses
- Don’t bring up the issues again
- Don’t place blame on your partner (even if they have some blame)
- Don’t make your apology contingent on your partner apologizing
- Don’t demand forgiveness
- Don’t make promises you won’t keep i.e. “ I will never do that again”
When you make an apology and request to be forgiven, it may be difficult for your spouse to forgive you. To forgive you, they must give up their feelings of hurt, anger, embarrassment, humiliation, rejection or betrayal. They will have to live with the consequences of your behavior. They may need time to process it all, so do not expect immediate forgiveness.
Be patient with your spouse, and yourself, and keep the lines of communication open. Forgiveness takes time.
Learn more about our Couples Therapy Exercises