Has Your Spouse Checked Out of Your Marriage?
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Have you ever had that feeling that your spouse seemed to be pulling away from the marriage relationship? It isn’t anything they say but more likely something you notice through their actions or reactions or lack thereof.
Pulling away from the relationship can be a temporary thing. Sometimes a partner may seem to be not as affectionate or present in the relationship because they under pressure at work, they are preoccupied with family matters, or they have a medical issue. However, pulling away from the marriage relationship can also be a sign that your marriage is in trouble.
Here are four signs that your partner might be slowly checking out of the marriage and what you can do about it.
- The phone, the computer, or the TV has replaced conversation between you and your spouse.
Couples who still have a connection want to hear about their partner’s day, and are truly interested in the things their partner has to say. This is not to say you are still as fascinated by every single word which comes out of his or her mouth as you were in the early days of your relationship, but you are still invested in your conversations and your life together. You shouldn’t have to compete with the phone, computer, or TV to get your spouse’s attention. This is a warning signal.
Red Flag: When there is never any time set aside for the two of you to talk as partners, friends and lovers, the bond between the two of you is broken.
What to do?
Don’t ignore this behavior. Your partner is tuning you out. Ask your partner to set aside 25 minutes without interruption for you both to talk bout what is happening and what can be done to change the behavior.
- The only communication between you and your spouse seem to be arguments.
There’s nothing wrong with having an argument from time to time to clear the air, so long as you fight fair by not aiming any particularly low blows at your partner. Communication—not arguing—is the backbone of any healthy relationship, and when your daily communication is lacking, one or both partners may begin to resent the other frequent arguments are a serious warning sign.
Red Flag: While arguing may not be very fun, couples that argue still care enough about their relationship to want to change it and make it better. When the words “never” and “always” are thrown into the arguments, the partner using those words may be emotionally giving up on the relationship. This is particularly true when your arguments are the same, time and time again, without any resolution to the issues.
What to do?
Schedule a time to sit down and discuss issues calmly. Address the issues with “ I feel” statements, such as “I feel like you are not listening to me when I have expressed concern about being able to pay our bills and then finding out that you charged this item to our credit card without discussing it with me.” Attack the issue, not the person. Then ask for their input for a solution. “ I am scared about being in too much debt. Do you have a solution on how we can handle this going forward?”
- Your Spouse prioritizes time with friends over time with you.
In the first throes of love, most couples can hardly stand to be apart from one another. Even after years go by, however, you should still enjoy spending time with one another, laughing with one another, and engaging in lighthearted, playful behavior, at least once in a while. If you start noticing a trend where your partner frequently puts time with their friends ahead of time with you, which is a warning sign.
Red Flag: When your spouse’s plans virtually never involve you or vice-versa, there is a lack of connection in your relationship.
- You and your spouse rarely have intimate contact.
When you and your spouse don’t have intimate contact- even to hold hands, your bond of intimacy is broken. While it is natural for interest in sexual intimacy to taper off after years of marriage, couples that are still in love will still usually offer a squeeze of the hand, a pat or a hug. Almost no contact is a warning sign
Red flag: When your partner shows a total lack of physical intimacy, (in the bedroom or otherwise) then the connection you once had may be gone.
What to do?
Start slow and small. Give your spouse a hug in the morning with a smile and a hello. Keep building upon that to kind acts of affection and small intimate touches or kisses. Start to rekindle that flame.
Feeling your partner pull away from the relationship can be hurtful, but don’t jump to conclusions. If you notice your spouse is just not putting much effort into the relationship, it is important to reach out and connect. It might be time to talk about it and discuss what to improve your relationship so you can get back on track and explore what’s going on.
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