couples therapy exercises
A lot of couples run into problems communicating with their spouse because they haven’t taken their spouse’s feelings or time into account before they tried to talk to them about something.
Here are 5 ways to speak so your spouse will actually listen to what you have to say.
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Make sure you have their undivided attention.
Trying to discuss a topic with your spouse when they are watching the most exciting part of the football game, the last episode of their favorite show or in the middle of some project they have been working on, is totally ineffective.
If you want them to listen, choose a time when you can get their undivided attention. For your spouse, try over dinner or after their program is finished or whenever the distractions have reduced.
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Don’t beat around the bush.
Nothing is more aggravating then trying to listen to someone that spends a long time building a story before they get to the point of their conversation. Most people will tune out after 45 seconds if you haven’t made your point.
Before you try to talk to your spouse about an important issue, try thinking through the issue and choosing 3 or 4 points that sum up the issue. Write it down if you have to. After you have made your point, the two of you can discuss the issue better.
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It Should Not Be a Lecture
No one likes to be lectured to because then they are not part of the conversation. Make sure to pause periodically while you are talking to be sure your partner has heard what you are saying. Ask some clarifying questions like “Can you tell me what you heard me say?” Ask for their response “ Are you seeing things the same way I am seeing them?”
Your spouse is a lot more likely to hear what you have to say if they feel like they are part of the conversation and have a say in the matter.
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Respect Their Advice or Feedback
If you have brought a matter to your spouse’s attention in the hopes of eliciting their support and advice, you need to be prepared to listen to what they have to say without judgment. Many people feel shut out when they provide feedback or advice and then their spouse throws it back in their face as being not helpful or wrong.
If you want your spouse to listen to you, you must be willing to listen to them. You don’t have to take their advice or even act on their advice, but if you attack your spouse when they provide you what you asked for, they will not be likely to give it again.
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Give Your Spouse a Head’s Up
Sometimes you may just need to vent your feelings. You may not be looking for your partner to solve a problem or provide advice, you just need a listening ear and to know that you are cared for. However, your partner may not know how to interpret this. Do you really have a problem that needs solving or do you just need a sounding board?
Give your spouse a head’s up about what the conversation is going to be about so they know how to respond. Saying something like “Honey, I’m upset about something that happened to day and I just need someone to talk to” lets him or her know that you are not expecting him or her to solve a problem or give advice.
All of these ways of speaking to your spouse are really ways of respecting their time and making your communication a two-way street.
You and your spouse have a good marriage–great, even–but you’re ready to take it to the next level. Maybe you’re physically intimate, but you want more of that intimacy to extend to your emotional life.
In today’s post, we’re sharing five tips for increasing the emotional intimacy in your relationship. Each of these tips builds on the next to help you create the deep, fulfilling connection you’re craving.
Nurture Trust
In order for your marriage to be as emotionally intimate as possible, you and your spouse must be able to trust one another implicitly. This means that both of you must commit to always being honest with one another, speaking the truth in love.
It also means that you should model trustworthiness for your spouse. If your husband or wife observes you being dishonest with a third party–for any reason–you’ve planted a seed of doubt in their heart. It’s very difficult to overcome breaches in trust, so do your best to avoid creating unnecessary problems.
Ensure Emotional Safety
In addition to being trustworthy, you and your spouse can increase your intimacy by guaranteeing one another emotional safety in your relationship. Lovingly accepting your spouse, warts and all, is the ultimate display of love–and an offering of safety.
If neither of you has to worry about being wrongly judged, criticized, nor cut down, you will both thrive!
Encourage Vulnerability
Allowing yourselves to be authentic with one another will add a deeper layer of intimacy to your marriage. As you take the time to not only accept your spouse’s vulnerabilities, but also expose your own, your love for one another will grow deeper.
No one on earth will know you the way your spouse knows you. And no one will know your spouse like you do. The best way to get there is to be who you are with one another–without pretense.
Cultivate Closeness
Spending time together and sharing activities will give you the physical proximity you need to nurture your romance, as well as your friendship. Even if you’re short on free time, make sure to invest at least a few minutes a day face-to-face, enjoying one another’s company. The more connected you feel, the more intimate your marriage will be!
Foster Deep Connection
Feeling profoundly connected to your spouse can positively affect both of you on a spiritual level, in addition to the benefits you’ll feel emotionally and physically. Take time to learn more about one another. If there’s something your spouse feels passionately about, ask questions to learn more. Or if they love or enjoy something deeply, show curiosity about it.
Connect where you are able, regardless of whether you have the same set of interests. Finding common ground together and reveling in that–instead of focusing on areas where you don’t agree or resonate with one another–will skyrocket your emotional intimacy.
A happy marriage requires daily intentional care and attention. However, many people go into marriage with the idea that Marriage will magically solve all of their problems. The look for what marriage can do for them rather than what they can do for their marriage. Here are 6 things you can do to make your marriage better:
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Don’t dwell on your Spouse’s shortcomings.
Everyone has both positive and negative qualities. If you spend your time focusing on what’s bad about your spouse instead of their positive qualities, your marriage will suffer. Choose to focus on what you love about your spouse.
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Make your spouse feel needed.
We all need each other. No man (or woman) is an island. Knowing that a person needs you and relies on you makes you feel loved and necessary. Ask your spouse for help, it will make them feel good.
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Pay Your Spouse a Compliment or Drop a Word of Appreciation daily.
What man won’t get weak in the knees when he receives a text message saying that you are yearning for his embrace when he gets home tonight? What woman won’t have a better day when she gets a love note on her pillow before you leave for work? Verbal compliments and words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love.
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Engage in physical contact outside of the bedroom.
Bodily contact does not always need to be sexual intercourse in order to arouse feelings of connectedness and love. Hold hands when you walk together. Snuggle up together on the couch and watch a TV show or movie. Give each other a kiss before you each start your day. Hug your partner when you know they have had a bad day. Touching and closeness send the message that you love them and that you care.
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Take time out from your busy day to listen to your Spouse.
Nothing makes a person feel more valued than when you take the time to truly sit down and listen to what they have to say. It is a small way to show that you care about your spouse.
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Support your partner’s passions.
You may have a passion for crafting but have very little time to devote to it. He may be an avid runner but struggles to get time to get out on the trail. Tell your spouse that you will take care of (fill in the blank: kids/chores/parents etc.) while they take some time to pursue their passion. Giving our partner time to pursue their passion shows that you still care about their happiness and respect their talents and passions.
Every marriage has its highs and lows, good days and bad. After you have been married a while, it is easy to become comfortable in routine activities and mediocre relationship status. Beware! When you neglect your marriage and stop working at keeping that spark between you alive, you open the door to your spouse looking elsewhere to find that spark. How can you tell if your marriage has grown stale?
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When two people get married, it is often assumed that they will share a mutual attraction, similar values, and similar expectations about lifestyle. One commonly over looked trait couples should also share is a sense of humor.
Making a Marriage work takes a lot of effort and life can throw many curveballs your way. Having a shared sense of humor can help get you through life’s rough patches. Why?
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Make sure you have a solid foundation in place and resolving little disagreements before they grow into fights, and you will increase your chance of having a divorce-proof marriage.
Don’t Take Your Spouse for Granted, Say Thank You. It sounds so simple, yet those two words don’t get expressed as often as they should in many long-term marriages. Say thank you when your spouse makes a great meal or does the yard work. Each spouse will feel appreciated and happier in your marriage overall.
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Everyone’s talking about weight these days. We hear about an obesity epidemic—among adults, among kids. We also hear about all the bad diseases that can come along with being overweight and/or being obese, such as diabetes. The CDC estimates that 60 million Americans over the age of 20 are obese. For adolescents ages 6 to 19, 9 million are overweight. This means there’s a good likelihood that you, your spouse, or your children have a weight problem.
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When one partner discovers that the other has been cheating on them, that partner is usually devastated and experiences a Pandora’s box of emotions like rage, betrayal, humiliation and hurt. The partner that committed the infidelity also experiences a great deal of emotion such as guilt, shame and humiliation. The natural questions of should you stay? Can trust be rebuilt? Are all too common.
It is important to understand that in a relationship where an infidelity has occurred, both partners suffer tremendous pain- not just the partner that did not commit the infidelity. It is also necessary to know about the type of infidelity that occurred in order to assess the seriousness of the threat to your marriage.
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