Infidelity Does Not Have to Be the End Of Your Marriage
Posted on
When one partner discovers that the other has been cheating on them, that partner is usually devastated and experiences a Pandora’s box of emotions like rage, betrayal, humiliation and hurt. The partner that committed the infidelity also experiences a great deal of emotion such as guilt, shame and humiliation. The natural questions of should you stay? Can trust be rebuilt? Are all too common.
It is important to understand that in a relationship where an infidelity has occurred, both partners suffer tremendous pain- not just the partner that did not commit the infidelity. It is also necessary to know about the type of infidelity that occurred in order to assess the seriousness of the threat to your marriage.
There is a difference between a one-night fling and a longer-term romantic affair. While a one-night fling does involve unfaithfulness and puts the other partner at risk for exposure to Aids and sexually transmitted diseases, it does not involve an emotional investment and is the least serious type of affair.
Often times in cases of infidelity, people crave a release from the emotional dullness or sameness that can result from marriage and children and long for their vibrant, sensual former single life unburdened of responsibility -if only just for a while. They are not looking for another mate but rather searching for an old self-one that is youthful, sensual and desirable.
A longer-term romantic affair, on the other hand, is not just unfaithfulness. It involves a high degree of emotional investment and is serious as it undermines the integrity of the marriage and can go on for a long time.
In many cases of a romantic affair, the partner and the other woman or the other man knew each other for a while, became close friends over time. The “other “ filled a void in the relationship such as a lack of intimacy, ability to communicate etc. and made the partner feel special and listened to.
When infidelity has occurred in the marriage, the couple has 3 choices: to divorce, remain in the marriage and not mend anything or rebuild the marriage entirely. There is no one size fits all solution but working with a marriage counselor or coach can help you make the decision. While infidelity can be devastating to a marriage, some specialists believe that it is important to try to resolve the crisis and rebuild trust if possible.
In order for your marriage to survive after infidelity, you each need to work with a marriage counselor or coach to try to answer these questions:
- Do you have enough admiration and respect left for your partner to salvage the relationship?
It is helpful to try to recall why you fell in love with your partner in the first place so that you can consciously see them as you remember them. The partner that committed the infidelity will need to begin the “dating process” all over again- with their partner- to make new memories that will cover up the bad memories.
- Are you able to let go of your anger and resentment about your partner’s betrayal?
Part of letting go of the anger and resentment is being able to understand why your partner engaged in the affair in the first place. This can allow you to develop compassion and begin to value the shared memories, familiarity and history you two have built a life on.
- Can you forgive your partner for their actions?
Forgiveness does not mean condoning their actions. It means not holding it against your partner and holding it over their heads as ammunition for the rest of your relationship. The partner that committed the infidelity must work hard to rebuild that bond of trust that has been broken. Do not lie, hide anything but be completely open and honest with your partner.
Marriage is a lifetime commitment. Making rash decisions because we are hurt won’t solve the problem. An affair does not have to end your marriage. With the help of professionals and, your marriage can survive, the trust rebuilt and your bond of love can be stronger than ever.
Learn more about our Couples Therapy Exercises Download Our Worksheet And Discover Your Top Relational Desires!