Written by Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, the Marriage in a Box blog shares insights into common relationship struggles, gives ideas for moving beyond the roadblocks, and helps you find your path to happiness – both individually and within your relationship.
How often have you heard someone say, “She just doesn’t understand me”, or, “He doesn’t stop to listen. He just wants to ‘fix it’?
Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us that above all, love is understanding. But what gets the way? Understanding another person may seem like a simple task, but if you are in a partnership you know all too well that understanding doesn’t come easy, particularly when it’s YOU who wants to be understood.
Often times we may be distracted by our day, the computer, our own stress and frustration. Work task, family demands, and the needs of children intrude so much upon our psyches that it simply becomes “the norm”. How often have you heard a group of your peers bemoan being busy, as though it were a competition? Since when did busyness become a badge of honor? Without thinking, we may try to function in our relationships from this overburdened place. Unfortunately, with all the competing demands on our attention, we may treat our partner like they are one more task on our list, or one more in-the-moment problem to solve. Yet, there are a few very simple solutions when it comes to our mate that will make a world of difference.
Whether you are seeking to understand, or be understood, these three steps will put you on your way to clarity.
Be present. Realize that showing up - fully showing up (phone down and computer off) - is probably about 90% of what your partner craves from you. An easy way to slow yourself down is to notice your breath. Take a few breaths and observe your breathing (this only takes a few seconds). Check in with your body. Are you prepared to spring up at a moment’s notice, or are you allowing yourself to feel grounded? If you feel constricted and tight, allow your breath to soften your body. Notice your heart opening to your partner. Make eye contact. This lets your partner know that you see him or her. If you know that you are not going to be able to be present, say so! Schedule a time when you can actually show up fully.
Again, not rocket science, but a key ingredient. Without it, the partnership will erode. You may feel that you do listen. But do you follow these steps? First, stop talking. Second, notice if you are formulating your response as you partner is sharing with you. This is not listening. Remember, we listen with our ears, eyes and body language. You may be able to repeat back everything your partner said, but if your body, tone, expression doesn’t indicate your presence, it won’t matter.
Be curious. Don’t assume that just because you’ve heard the same comments a hundred times that you understand your partner. Can you listen between the words and be curious about what is being expressed? Release the content for the moment and zoom in on the feelings. What is your partner feeling? Try responding to the feelings that you are picking up on, not just the words that are being said.
Start all over again!
Take the time to communicate with your partner in a way that demonstrates you are present, aware and interested. Dive into the “Can we agree on…?” cards from Marriage in a box for more tips and strategies. Finally, know that your ability to understand is an act of love.
I am going to address the elephant in the room. As adolescents and young adults, we may have believed that the ideal love was a merger. In the famous scene of the movie Jerry Maguire, we are introduced to this love, as the main character, played by Tom Cruise, professes, “You complete me.” Indeed, in the initial stages of a relationship we may spend time with our partners, finishing each other’s’ sentences and collapsing our emotional, spiritual, and physical bodies together, like lost halves of a single soul. Yet all too often extended mergers come at a price. Qualities of possessiveness, jealousy, emotional neediness often lock relationships into a status quo that can become stifling and stagnate over time. Fearing that we can’t function without the other, invisible chains may tighten especially when a partner turns toward new growth opportunities, independence, or inner expansion.
Many couples feel their marriages are “fine.” They interact well, they argue minimally, they have a good day to day rhythm, but for most partners there is always room for improvement It’s not that fireworks need to go off in order to have a good marriage, but with some small tweaks, a relationship can feel better, happier, and healthier.
One of the most difficult, but exciting transitions that a couple can make is the transition into parenthood. Prior to getting pregnant or adopting, the couple’s main focus is on themselves and their significant other. They may be able to spend their time traveling, spending time with friends and doing things that they love without the concern of caring for a little one. They are enjoying their time together as a twosome.
Mindfulness is a type of exercise commonly used in therapeutic practices and is meant to teach individuals how to stay attentive to their surroundings, live in the moment and calm their mind. It can be very helpful in managing anxiety and decreasing the stress from our daily lives. In my practice, I recommend to many of my clients to incorporate mindfulness into their regular routines at least a few times a week so that they are better able to manage stress and can think more calmly and clearly.
Date nights (or days) are integral for all couples in maintaining emotional connection within the relationship. They don’t have to be anything particularly fancy (or expensive), but just have to be something that you both enjoy and that would allow you the ability to have quality time together.
Many couples do not get the opportunity to spend a great deal of quality time together, especially time where they are alone and free of interruptions. Too often life gets in the way and our children, careers, extended families and other obligations become prioritized over our relationship. It is because of this that couples may stop dating and struggle to keep romance an active part of their relationship, with the exceptions of Valentine’s Day, birthdays or anniversaries, of course. Romance is often part of the reason that two people fell in love and can help to keep the relationship from feeling stale. Follow some of the tips below to help keep romance alive in your relationship all year through.
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs that most people will ever have, and no one does it perfectly. Take this quiz to find out what your parenting style is and how you interact with your children. Then read below to find out more about your style of parenting and the impact that this may have on your children. Follow tips on how to manage your parenting style in a more effective manner, so that it benefits both you and your children. Remember, everyone makes mistakes when parenting but what makes a difference is learning from these mistakes and trying to be the best version of yourself that you can be.
