Loving the Space Between
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I am going to address the elephant in the room. As adolescents and young adults, we may have believed that the ideal love was a merger. In the famous scene of the movie Jerry Maguire, we are introduced to this love, as the main character, played by Tom Cruise, professes, “You complete me.” Indeed, in the initial stages of a relationship we may spend time with our partners, finishing each other’s’ sentences and collapsing our emotional, spiritual, and physical bodies together, like lost halves of a single soul. Yet all too often extended mergers come at a price. Qualities of possessiveness, jealousy, emotional neediness often lock relationships into a status quo that can become stifling and stagnate over time. Fearing that we can’t function without the other, invisible chains may tighten especially when a partner turns toward new growth opportunities, independence, or inner expansion.
Poet Rainer Maria Rilke not only rejected this symbiotic type of love, but radically redefined a new type of love; loving the space that exists between two individuals. He wrote, “Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.” Yet, how does one achieve such living side by side, without succumbing to existing as two separate lives under one roof? How do we love the distance between ourselves and our partners, when that it is in that very space we may encounter our own emptiness or sense of loneliness? Is it actually desirable to see your partner as whole, and separate from yourself?
The following ten relationship tips for living side by side, as illustrated in Marriage in a Box, will help you and your partner cultivate a “wonderful living side by side” that promises to invite new dialogue, sense of adventure, and a new way to conceptualize the distance in between.
Who knows…you might be surprised by the relationship tips you find!
- Appreciate your partner’s need for alone time. Refrain from making demands during this time, or asking for your partner to account for his or her time.
- Encourage your partner to take solo adventures and, if her or she is inclined, to travel without you. Be prepared to learn vicariously through his or her experiences.
- Respect your partner’s sense of time. Does everything have to be done on your time table, or can you increase your tolerance of your partner’s pace?
- Support your partner’s desire to learn more, either through returning to school, attending a certificate program, or taking on new facets to a job. The learning process can often bring in new knowledge, perspectives, and ways of being that can enliven and invigorate the partnership.
- Serve as a safety net for your partner while he or she takes the next big leap. Often periods of growth and expansion are met with self-doubt and uncertainty. Remind your partner of your belief in him and her, as well as the stability of your relationship.
- Follow your own areas of interest and be curious. Take your partner’s lead and allow yourself to explore personal interests.
- Acknowledge your own fears at your partner’s growth, and check in with your partner as needed. Don’t allow your fears to turn into well-meaning attempts at control.
- Remember to play together. Discover new activities you can do together. Just make sure that you are not asking your partner to choose between you and their new passion.
- Be curious of your partner’s growth and interests, asking questions that indicate interest, not criticism.
- Recognize that your partner, just like you, is an evolving, growing individual. With your intention and commitment, the relationship will grow and expand into a supportive and flexible container that has room for both you and your partner, your individual and collective dreams, and the space in between.
By Dana Schneider, Ph.D., LCSW
Dana Schneider is founder of Contemplative Insights, LLC and will be conducting a workshop with Marriage in the Box, founder Maria Sappe, LMFT, in Fall 2017.
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