“She Just Doesn’t Understand Me”
Posted on by Dana A. Schneider
How often have you heard someone say, “She just doesn’t understand me”, or, “He doesn’t stop to listen. He just wants to ‘fix it’?
Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us that above all, love is understanding. But what gets the way? Understanding another person may seem like a simple task, but if you are in a partnership you know all too well that understanding doesn’t come easy, particularly when it’s YOU who wants to be understood.
Often times we may be distracted by our day, the computer, our own stress and frustration. Work task, family demands, and the needs of children intrude so much upon our psyches that it simply becomes “the norm”. How often have you heard a group of your peers bemoan being busy, as though it were a competition? Since when did busyness become a badge of honor? Without thinking, we may try to function in our relationships from this overburdened place. Unfortunately, with all the competing demands on our attention, we may treat our partner like they are one more task on our list, or one more in-the-moment problem to solve. Yet, there are a few very simple solutions when it comes to our mate that will make a world of difference.
Whether you are seeking to understand, or be understood, these three steps will put you on your way to clarity.
- Be present. Realize that showing up - fully showing up (phone down and computer off) - is probably about 90% of what your partner craves from you. An easy way to slow yourself down is to notice your breath. Take a few breaths and observe your breathing (this only takes a few seconds). Check in with your body. Are you prepared to spring up at a moment’s notice, or are you allowing yourself to feel grounded? If you feel constricted and tight, allow your breath to soften your body. Notice your heart opening to your partner. Make eye contact. This lets your partner know that you see him or her. If you know that you are not going to be able to be present, say so! Schedule a time when you can actually show up fully.
- Again, not rocket science, but a key ingredient. Without it, the partnership will erode. You may feel that you do listen. But do you follow these steps? First, stop talking. Second, notice if you are formulating your response as you partner is sharing with you. This is not listening. Remember, we listen with our ears, eyes and body language. You may be able to repeat back everything your partner said, but if your body, tone, expression doesn’t indicate your presence, it won’t matter.
- Be curious. Don’t assume that just because you’ve heard the same comments a hundred times that you understand your partner. Can you listen between the words and be curious about what is being expressed? Release the content for the moment and zoom in on the feelings. What is your partner feeling? Try responding to the feelings that you are picking up on, not just the words that are being said.
- Start all over again!
Take the time to communicate with your partner in a way that demonstrates you are present, aware and interested. Dive into the “Can we agree on…?” cards from Marriage in a box for more tips and strategies. Finally, know that your ability to understand is an act of love.
Dana A. Schneider, Ph.D., LCSW
www.contemplativeinsights.com
Learn more about our Couples Therapy Exercises