Written by Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, the Marriage in a Box blog shares insights into common relationship struggles, gives ideas for moving beyond the roadblocks, and helps you find your path to happiness – both individually and within your relationship.
Boundaries are what we use to stop damaging behavior. Our everyday life is filled with boundaries.
- We send out children to time out when they hit someone.
- We don’t eat a second dessert to control our weight.
- We don’t drink and drive.
When it comes to boundaries in our relationships, people are often confused about the purpose of boundaries.
Boundaries are not:
- Telling people what you don’t like; that’s criticism. Criticism only creates conflict and distance.
- Trying to make someone do something; that’s control. Control only creates avoidance and distance.
- Shouting, commanding, arguing, complaining, threatening, or nagging. These are just words that cause conflict.
Boundaries are:
- Lines you won’t cross.
- Behavior that you won’t put up with.
- Actions that are always under your control.
A boundary is an action you take or refuse to take to end a damaging behavior and restore respect in your relationship.
When you allow people to mistreat you in any way, they lose respect for you. They also feel more powerful than you and care less and less about you.
Boundaries are an effective alternative to arguing or pleading with your spouse to change.
Talking is important in relationships but talking about problems sometimes leads to increased conflict. When communication breaks down and is ineffective, our actions can communicate better than words. Telling your husband to do or not do something is not a boundary. For example, if you say:
“I want you to stop yelling at me.”
That is not a boundary because it is completely under your spouse’s control. You have clearly stated what you want, however they can freely defy you and yell at you as it suits them. Commands, threats, and pleading cannot make your spouse do something. It lets your spouse know you are upset but it does not motivate them to change.
“Whenever you yell at me, I’m going to walk away.” The next time your spouse yells at you, walk away.
This is true boundary because walking away is under your control. Also, you are the one who gets to decide what is yelling. Although your spouse may choose to yell, walking away is not under their control. Walking away whenever they do that shows them that you will no longer tolerate that behavior. Done consistently, changing what you do will change what they do. After a few weeks, your spouse will likely have stopped yelling and talk to you in a more respectful tone.
Boundaries are last step to change a damaging behavior that threatens your marriage.
When your spouse is doing something that you don’t like, but is not immediately threatening or damaging, loving communication should be used first. Loving communication is telling your spouse what you want and why it is important for the both of you.
Honey, what do you think about setting aside time every evening for us to talk about our budget and savings?
If loving communications fail, you can become more assertive.
Honey, we really need to make a budget, cut down our expenses, and start saving or we will never have enough money saved up for a down payment on a house.
If this level of communication also fails, then the next step is to communicate your boundary. It is not up for discussion or debate. It is the way things are going to be.
Honey, I love you and I don’t want expenses piling up that will destroy our marriage. I have opened separate bank accounts for my income and expenses, and I will contribute my share of the bills from that and save on my own.
Use Boundaries with Love to restore your relationship.
Once you have put the boundary in place, you don’t need to bring it up again. However, remember to continue to show your love for your spouse daily. If you put up a boundary and withdraw affection, it will not inspire your spouse to change and desire a connection with you.
When you agreed to marry, you both decided that you loved each so much that you wanted to spend the rest of your lives with each other. By repeating your marriage vows, you agreed to love each other unconditionally and bond yourselves together as man and wife. To ensure your marriage remains healthy, you both need to do what is necessary to protect that bond between you.
Each partner has parents and relatives, friends of the same sex and of the opposite sex, and co-workers that they spend time with and talk to. How you handle relatives, friends and co-workers can either enhance your marriage relationship or hurt it.
- How would your spouse feel about you talking to your parents about something you both have not discussed yet?
- Do you think your spouse would react well to a social media post of you and an old flame having lunch at a restaurant?
- Is your spouse okay with you choosing to go out with friends rather than stay home with them?
- Would your spouse be understanding If you stay late at work with a co-worker of the opposite sex?
To protect the bond between you and your spouse, boundaries are important. Boundaries are the key to keeping your marriage healthy. Here are some boundaries you and your spouse should discuss create plan for to protect you from danger.
Boundaries with Extended Family
While some extended family members can be helpful and supportive, others can be overly critical or difficult to get along with, which can create stress in your marriage.
Create ground rules that will help you build a healthy relationship with your in-laws and extended family.
- Never throw your spouse under the bus. If you receive an invitation from a family member, agree to tell them you need to check with your spouse to make sure that date is available rather than just accept or decline.
- Never allow extended family to trash talk your spouse. You and your spouse are a team, and you need to support each other. You both need to agree to politely ask family members to be respectful of your relationship with your spouse.
- Never discuss private marriage matters with your family. You may be mad at your spouse and call your sister to vent. DON’T. When you are over your anger and you and your spouse have made up, your sister will still be thinking about the J_ _ K you married.
Boundaries with Friends
Everyone needs friends they can pal around with and talk to about life’s ups and downs. However, sometimes friendships can raise a red flag to a spouse or create a division between you and your spouse. You and your spouse should sit down and discuss how you can both create healthy balance between friends and your marriage.
- Don’t air your dirty laundry to your friends. Avoid talking outside your relationship about issues you and your spouse haven’t discussed together.
- Don’t spend too much time with friends of the opposite sex. Spending too much time with an opposite-sex friend can endanger the health of your marriage. While there may be nothing untoward going on, why insert jealousy and distrust in your marriage?
- Don’t choose your friends over your spouse. While outings with the guys or nights out with the girls are fun every now and then, agree not to make them a regular habit. You and your spouse need time together to bond as well.
Boundaries with Co-workers and Superiors
Relationships with co-workers can often be difficult to navigate. You spend a lot of time a work and often develop close friendships with people you work with. Superiors will ask you to stay late or come in early or perhaps work on a weekend to get projects completed. You and your spouse need to develop a plan to handle your co-workers and superiors so that their demands do not interfere with your marriage.
- Avoid talking about private marital issues with co-workers. Leave your private matters and home and your work issues at work.
- Avoid staying late to work with co-workers or superiors of the opposite sex. Spending too much time after hours at work can blur the boundaries between working relationships and intimate relationships. Avoid that temptation and spend your after hours with your spouse.
- Avoid giving up your free time to please your boss. Ambition is admirable, but you need to make your marriage a priority.
Most couples will experience communication difficulties at some point in their marriage, especially those who don’t take the time to understand one another’s communication style. Too many partners make assumptions about what their spouse wants and needs, which gets in the way of effective communication. The idea of a “love language” was pioneered by US relationship counsellor and author Gary Chapman, and it may be the single most effective tool you can use in communicating.
There are five different love languages. Most of us have one or two that reliably and effectively make us feel loved, through good and bad times. However, both partners need all five love languages used for effective communication to become less about conflict and more about connection.
THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
- Affirmation: Love means never having to say you’re sorry. What you say to your partner and how you say it will either build them up or tear them down. Every person needs an outward expression of affection, kindness, and their importance from you. Kind words and expressions of gratitude and praise can stir up feelings of longing in your partner.
- Deeds and Acts: Love means giving of yourself. What do you do to show your love and appreciation, through unselfish acts for your partner? Offer to help out with daily chores or errands and let them know you are thinking of them with random texts, cards or notes. Focus on small things you can do every day to keep your spouse thinking about you, desiring you, and thankful they have you.
- Gifts: Love is unconditional. Gifts are things or intangible things that you give to your spouse to show your love, affection and appreciation of them. Your spouse isn’t perfect. He or she is flawed and imperfect, just like you. He or she is a human being with the inborn potential for human error, selfishness, anger, and pride. Demanding perfection is not only unrealistic; it’s setting your spouse, and your marriage up for failure. Give him or her the gift to fail every now and then, and the assurance that you love and support him or her despite their flaws and imperfections.
- Quality Time: Love makes you want to give your time and attention to your partner. How often do you and your spouse spend time as a couple talking, listening, laughing, or playing? Turn off the phone, tune out the distractions, and pay attention to your spouse. Make time every day to check in with your spouse. Make time every week to spend “couples” time together. Quality time builds your relationship and connection to one another.
- Touch: Don’t withhold physical intimacy and sex. A lack of intimacy, withholding sex or only brief physical encounters can lead to this partner feeling neglected and questioning your feelings for them. Make it a point to kiss them, hug them or hold their hand. Schedule regular time for sex and physical intimacy to nurture your relationship. Participating wholeheartedly in the intimate act of sex with your spouse shows them your vulnerability and your love for them.
For five days, communicate using the five love languages for each other This will create positive momentum. At the end, talk about what you liked best and least, what the challenges were, what responses you noticed. Agree to pay attention to each other’s love languages from now on.
Our Love language can deepen the marriage relationship and create a bond of intimacy that is so essential to your marriage.
No marriage is perfect. Most couples will struggle with major issues from time to time throughout their marriage. However, for a relationship to survive, both partners must be able to treat each other respectfully. The loss of mutual respect can destroy a marriage quickly, or more often, lead to a painful, stressful and unhappy life for a couple. We all deserve to be with someone who treats us kindly and values our love and company. If you are having problems in your marriage, a lack of respect could be the ultimate root cause.
5 Signs of Disrespect in Your Marriage
- Your Partner Doesn't Make Time for You
Whether your spouse is always playing on their phone, always busy, or they spend their time with their friends exclusively without you, if your spouse does not make time for you, they do not respect you. Your spouse should take the time to spend with you in conversation and activity alike.
- Your Partner Only Takes Care of Self
A good spouse that shows respect for their partner will be concerned about the needs of their partner, their family, and their household. Only having care for your own needs without regard to your spouse or the household is extremely disrespectful to your marriage and family.
- Your Partner Hides Things from You
When you respect someone that you are in a relationship with, you must be open and honest with them. If your spouse is hiding things from you it is a sign of disrespect. Saying that they didn't tell you because they didn't want to worry you is no less disrespectful.
- Your Spouse Doesn't Listen to You
When you have something to say to your spouse, they should be willing to listen. If your spouse will never listen to anything you have to say, or if they flat out refuse to let you speak, this is a serious sign of disrespect that you should not tolerate, and it borders on emotional abuse.
- Your Spouse Makes You Feel Less Than
A spouse that makes you feel less than desired or needed is not respecting you. While no one is perfect, you spend your time trying to make your spouse and family feel loved and cared for. When your spouse is quick to make you feel as though you are less than you should be, it is a serious sign of disrespect.
3 Ways to Re-establish Respect in Your Marriage
Once a couple has fallen into a pattern of treating each other disrespectfully it is often difficult to change. The temptation is to focus on changing your partner’s behavior. However, re-establish respect requires each partner to focus only on changing their own behavior. You have to be willing to take responsibility for your part in the marriage break down.
- Appreciate each other’s Differences
Part of establishing and maintaining a respectful relationship is learning to tolerate and accept that your spouse is different than you. Different is a good thing, not a negative. You each have different strengths and weaknesses. What did you appreciate about your spouse when you married them? Was it their kindness? Did they make you feel safe? Were they a good listener?
By expressing and showing your appreciation for one another’s strengths and accomplishments, you support and encourage one another so you can get through the hard things.
Appreciate your differences and build each other up and you will find a newfound respect for your partner.
- Communicate thoughtfully with love and care
Communication is one of the most important parts of a relationship, and one of the hardest. Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader. If you’re upset, it’s important to talk openly about what’s bothering you. Don’t be accusatory. Use “I” statements, like “I feel really ignored and unimportant when you cancel our plans at the last minute.” Your emotions are always valid. Don’t feel bad for feeling what you feel.
Avoid taking to each other in rude and disrespectful ways, e.g., you do not engage in name calling, and do not insult or demean your spouse or partner. Talk to and treat your partner in ways that you would want to be treated.
The better you communicate, the quicker you restore and maintain marital respect.
- Keep your partner in mind when making decisions
Decision making in a marriage is not my way or the highway. A marriage is two people, and both need to be involved in the decision-making process. Unfortunately, couples often approach decisions as a negotiation rather than a discussion.
- Trying to convince your spouse that they will be happier or better off if they do things your way.
- Suggesting that your spouse has something wrong with them because they can’t see things from your point of view.
- Insisting that if your partner really loved you, they would do what you want.
All three tactics are bullying your spouse into doing what you want. The problem with this type of decision making is that you have already made the decision by yourself and are trying to make your partner accept it. Instead, you need to listen to your partner’s opinions, wishes and values and consider them worthy of serious consideration when making decisions that will affect both of you. Decision-making needs to be a team effort with decisions arrived at jointly.
Decision making means you are both fully involved and respect both points of view.
Every year the President gives a State of the Union address to check in with the nation and advise them of what is being done by the administration on major issues of concern in the United States. Everyone wants to be kept in the know on what’s going on in just about every aspect of their lives. How often do you and your spouse check in on your marriage? A marriage checkup is a great way to build a strong, healthy marriage.
WHY DO A MARRIAGE CHECK UP?
Most people buy a warranty, sign up for a service plan, or pay for preventative maintenance on appliances, luxury items, and necessary technology so it won’t break down, fail, or fall apart. Think of a marriage checkup as a preventative maintenance for your relationship. A checkup is a way:
- To communicate with each other.
- To make sure you are both on the same page as far as what your goals are and how well you are doing against your goals.
- To work through your insecurities.
- You both can discuss where you are in finances, intellectual and spiritual growth, and sexual satisfaction so you see areas where improvements can be made.
- To help you and your spouse identify and resolve issues before they become a big problem.
HOW TO DO A MARRIAGE CHECK UP
Set a regular time, weekly or monthly, that you can both sit down for 60 to 90 minutes and have a conversation on the state of your marriage. This is not a Gripe session; the goal is to praise positive areas, pinpoint problem areas, and increase communication to resolve them. One or two days before the conversation, each of you will separately and honestly complete the marriage checkup. (shown at the end of the directions)
- Start your check up by telling your partner three things they did this week or month that you want to thank them for. Expressing gratitude to your spouse sets a positive tone for your conversation.
- Each of you take turns reading the statement in #1-13 and each of you share your rating and discuss. In your discussion, remember to :
- Use your “I” statements like I feel, or it seems to me. NO BLAMING.
- Listen carefully to what your spouse has to say. DON’T INTERRUPT or try to defend yourself.
- Each of you take turns reading the question and giving your answer to #13-16.
How you react to the answers your spouse gives is as important as the questions themselves. Remember the goal of the marriage checkup is to praise positive areas, pinpoint problem areas, and increase communication to resolve them.
- Before you start your next marriage checkup, discuss with your spouse about what went well, and what didn’t go well based on your previous marriage checkup.
Marriage Checkup to be completed by each partner separately.
Rate your marriage on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the best.
- Your level of commitment to your marriage.
- Time spent with your spouse having fun.
- Time spent with your spouse alone.
- Sharing of household chores and errands.
- The number of compliments you give your spouse.
- The number of compliments your spouse gives you.
- Level of criticism you give your spouse.
- Level of criticism your spouse gives you.
- Your financial spending.
- Your spouse’s financial spending.
- Goals that you and your spouse have set for your future together.
- The amount of money you and your spouse have saved toward your goals.
Write a one to two sentence answer to the following questions.
- What is the strong spot in your marriage?
- What is the weak spot in your marriage?
- I love it when my spouse…
- One thing I don’t think my spouse understands about me is..
Marriages don’t usually fail because of big stuff. The small things that build up over time like missed kisses, unspoken apologies, one sided argument, meals eaten alone or in silence, and money wasted that eventually erupt and have gone on too long to be fixed.
A periodic medical checkup can prevent a heart attack and a periodic marital checkup can prevent a failed marriage.
Money related conflicts are the most frequently cited reason for divorce. Money is the thing most couples argue about. It really is no surprise that money often divides a couple. Before a couple gets married, they have usually talked about everything except money. When they get married, they really don’t know much about each other’s views about money.
Different views of spending and saving
In a study by the American Psychological Association, 47% of respondents said they and their partner had different saving and spending habits. One partner may be an avid saver, while the other may enjoy spending on the finer things of life. The spender may feel that his or her partner is constantly nagging and cheap, while the saver may feel vulnerable to the effects of overindulging. If you are committed to your relationship, you and your partner need to have an honest conversation about your finances, spending habits, saving habits, financial goals, and anxieties about finances. Once your finances are out in the open, you can both begin working out a spending and savings plan.
Hiding Transactions from your partner
In the same study, 36% of partners in a relationship do not consult their spouse about purchases, even large purchases. Six percent said they have secret accounts or credit cards. Hiding purchases from your partner is a form of infidelity. You need to be transparent about your finances with your spouse.
Debt needs to be repaid before real financial planning can begin
Many couples come into a marriage with financial baggage like high credit card debt or big student loans. If one partner has more debt than the other , this can become a significant issue in a marriage. Generally, debts that are brought into a marriage stay with the person that incurred them. Debts incurred after marriage are owed by both spouses.
It does not do any good to try to hide your debt from your spouse because it will eventually come out in the open. It is best to just lay all of your cards on the table , the good with the bad.
Either way, before you can really start building a nest egg together, big debts need to be paid off. Some couples are comfortable tackling this debt together, while others prefer separate accounts to handle that debt.
Money shouldn’t be a source of power
When one partner has a paid job and the other doesn't; or when both partners would like to be working but one is unemployed; or when one spouse earns considerably more than the other; or when one partner comes from a family that has money and the other doesn't, , the one with the most money often wants to dictate the couple's spending priorities. Money should not be used as a means to control your partner. It also shouldn’t be a measuring stick, such as “I make more than you do so I decide how we spend our money.” Your marriage is a partnership, so each of you should share in the spending and saving decisions.
How to identify shared financial goals
Setting financial goals as a couple doesn't mean you have to give up all of your own goals. Try to find your shared vision choosing goals that make that vision a reality while also including individual goals along the way. This helps make each partner feel like an equal in the process.
- Goals should help achieve the vision you and your spouse have for your life together. Make your goals actionable and attainable .
- Your strategy for reaching financial goals begins with the money you have left after covering the necessities. Together you should decide how to divvy up the remaining money between your discretionary spending needs and your goals.
- Set up regular "meetings" to see where you stand. At each meeting, discuss the progress you've made and reassess your financial situation.
How to share the management of your money
Trust, and positive perceptions of how the other partner is doing financially, play a huge role in whether couples decide to merge finances. Most couples pool their monies together and track it with a budget.
However, where a couple is in life also plays a role in finances. Couples who marry late in life or couples who have children from a previous marriage may not be completely comfortable merging finances completely. They may decide to set up a joint account for items that are paid jointly like mortgage, utilities etc. Then, they would keep separate accounts for those items paid solely for them such as a child’s tuition or their business expenses.
Whatever method you decide to use to manage your finances, you still need to be transparent with each other about your finances. You should plan a time to sit down together every week or couple of weeks to discuss your finances, what is coming up that you need to plan for, financial goals, and issues you are having with finances
Money is a tool that can help you both do the things in life that you want to do together. Try to take the influence of money out of your relationship. The money you have together should be planned for, managed, budget for, and spent together.
The presence of healthy boundaries in romantic relationships greatly reduces the tendency to blame your partner. Blame is almost always a maneuver to deflect ownership of a problem. When you take responsibility for your part in the misunderstanding, conflict, or harsh treatment and your partner is willing to take responsibility for their part, resolution of the problem becomes much easier.
Establishing Healthy boundaries help define which responsibilities in the marriage are yours and which are your partners to protect your marriage.
Boundary #1: Don’t Emotionally Shut Out Your Spouse.
We shouldn’t avoid our spouse and emotionally shut them out of our life. When we do this, we break down the intimacy and leave ourselves and our spouse open to forming unhealthy habits and the temptation to seek connection outside the marriage.
We must always be willing to talk to our spouse regardless of whether or not we feel like it. We make eye contact and connect with him/her because we love and respect our spouse. The more we emotionally connect, the stronger, healthier, and happier our marriage will be.
Boundary #2: Don’t Withhold Sex to Punish Your Spouse.
Sex is an important part of marriage, and it is an amazing way to connect to our spouse . Even so, some spouses use sex as a bargaining chip or punishment in their marriage, and this is extremely detrimental to the relationship. I
A husband and wife shouldn’t withhold sex from one another r(unless it is for health issues, of course). We should strive to keep sex a priority and have it as frequently as possible to stay connected to our spouse and to meet one another’s sexual needs.
Boundary #3: Don’t Speak Negatively About Your Spouse to Other People
If we have a problem with one another, we need to address the problem directly. Nothing good will come from us going to our friends and family about a problem that we really need to take up with our spouse. Our parents, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, and uncles don’t need to know the details of every disagreement we have with our spouse.
Marriage is hard enough without extended family drama, so we certainly don’t need to add to the problem. We must be mindful of our tone and words.
Boundary #4: Don’t Keep Secrets from Your Spouse.
There should be no barricade between husband and wife. Everything that you hide is a brick that we add to a “barricade of secrets” between us and our spouse. There should be no hidden money, friends, texts, emails, letters, jobs, purchases, phone calls, phones, social media exchanges, social media accounts, health issues, trips, outings, lunches, dinners, etc.
As husband and wife, we long to fully know and be known by one another. This longing will not be fulfilled if we keep secrets. When we keep secrets of any kind from each other, we limit the amount of intimacy we can experience with one another
Boundary #5: Never raise your voice in anger to your spouse.
Every married couple is going to disagree at some point, and we might argue at times. It is good to go ahead and talk through a disagreement than to hold it inside and let it fester. However, it is never okay to speak in a nasty tone, use harsh language, or scream and shout at each other. This is being verbally abusive, and it’s hard to forget hateful things that are said to us.
A marriage certificate is not a license to verbally abuse your spouse. In fact, we made a promise to love our spouse through good and the bad times. Screaming and shouting obscenities at each other is certainly not loving one another. We must always approach a disagreement with our spouse as calmly and lovingly as possible.
If you both observe these healthy boundaries in your marriage, you will be building a strong marriage that stands the test of time.
No matter what culture or religion you come from, when two partners unite in marriage, they make a vow to each other. Your marriage vows carry much more weight than just words. It is a shame how many say the words without really understanding what those vows mean for their marital life together.
Vows are special words that will unite you and they represent your commitment to one another. They express how the couple intend to relate to each other, how they intend to navigate the path of life together, and what meaning they intend to give to their marriage.
Do you take [name] to be your lawful wedded wife/husband?"
Out of all of the people you have dated, you have made the deliberate choice to commit to this person to spend the rest of your life with. You chose this person to be your partner because you love what you know of them and look forward to getting to know them deeper.
Several years down the line, when you are looking at your spouse doing something you’ve told him or her a million times not to do, remember all the wonderful reasons that you chose him or her as your life partner.
"Do you promise to love and cherish [her/him], in sickness and in health?
There are no guarantees in life. We do not know what the future holds. Should your partner become ill, disabled, or suffer dementia, you have promised to care for and protect them in sickness and in health.
You and your partner are promising to provide a healthy relationship, where each partner is respected for who they are, accepting the differences and encouraging the individuality. You both care committing to allow and encourage the other to become who they truly are without restricting them and without attempting to conform them to your expectations, desires and preconceptions.
"Do you promise to love and cherish [her/him], for richer and poorer?
Every partner wants their spouse to do well and excel, but they may not always be ready for the longer working hours and maybe late nights that it requires to get to that point.
If your partner fails in a venture, you promise to cherish them ,which literally means to “build them up.” Each person will become a better person because of the love and support of the other.
On the other hand, financial pressures can put a huge strain on a marriage. If the two of you struggle to make ends meet with both salaries combined, you are promising that you will be there for each other, to work together to make it work.
"Do you promise to love and cherish [her/him], for better for worse?
We cannot enter marriage with the hope that everything will get better, because then the question becomes what if it doesn’t get better? It means that even when things get worse, you will still choose to love your partner. You promise to love each other through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles you may face together.
In times of joy and in times of sorrow, in times of failure and in times of triumph, you commit to hold your partner as a precious treasure, to comfort and encourage them. and nourish
This pledge to nurture each other is the foundation of your marriage that builds the trust in each other that allow you and your partner to give and receive deep emotional intimacy.
"Do you promise to love and cherish [her/him], forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her/him?
You promise to love, cherish and respect your partner. You are promising to give yourself to each other as a faithful husband, wife, or spouse, no matter what. You are reserving yourself for intimate relations only with our spouse. You are trusting your heart to them and promising to take care of their heart.
In forsaking all others, you are also committing to not just be there for that person but to support them in whatever needs they may have. You are committing to make this person come first and to always put this person before another’s needs.
"Do you promise to love and cherish [her/him], for so long as you both shall live?"
When you enter this marriage, it is a lifetime commitment. It means that even when everything goes wrong, you will still be there. I You promise to treasure your marriage and your partner more each day than you did the day before. You will trust each other, respect each other, laugh together, cry together and grow old with your spouse throughout all the seasons of life.
