Are You And Your Spouse Speaking The Same Love Language?
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Most couples will experience communication difficulties at some point in their marriage, especially those who don’t take the time to understand one another’s communication style. Too many partners make assumptions about what their spouse wants and needs, which gets in the way of effective communication. The idea of a “love language” was pioneered by US relationship counsellor and author Gary Chapman, and it may be the single most effective tool you can use in communicating.
There are five different love languages. Most of us have one or two that reliably and effectively make us feel loved, through good and bad times. However, both partners need all five love languages used for effective communication to become less about conflict and more about connection.
THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
- Affirmation: Love means never having to say you’re sorry. What you say to your partner and how you say it will either build them up or tear them down. Every person needs an outward expression of affection, kindness, and their importance from you. Kind words and expressions of gratitude and praise can stir up feelings of longing in your partner.
- Deeds and Acts: Love means giving of yourself. What do you do to show your love and appreciation, through unselfish acts for your partner? Offer to help out with daily chores or errands and let them know you are thinking of them with random texts, cards or notes. Focus on small things you can do every day to keep your spouse thinking about you, desiring you, and thankful they have you.
- Gifts: Love is unconditional. Gifts are things or intangible things that you give to your spouse to show your love, affection and appreciation of them. Your spouse isn’t perfect. He or she is flawed and imperfect, just like you. He or she is a human being with the inborn potential for human error, selfishness, anger, and pride. Demanding perfection is not only unrealistic; it’s setting your spouse, and your marriage up for failure. Give him or her the gift to fail every now and then, and the assurance that you love and support him or her despite their flaws and imperfections.
- Quality Time: Love makes you want to give your time and attention to your partner. How often do you and your spouse spend time as a couple talking, listening, laughing, or playing? Turn off the phone, tune out the distractions, and pay attention to your spouse. Make time every day to check in with your spouse. Make time every week to spend “couples” time together. Quality time builds your relationship and connection to one another.
- Touch: Don’t withhold physical intimacy and sex. A lack of intimacy, withholding sex or only brief physical encounters can lead to this partner feeling neglected and questioning your feelings for them. Make it a point to kiss them, hug them or hold their hand. Schedule regular time for sex and physical intimacy to nurture your relationship. Participating wholeheartedly in the intimate act of sex with your spouse shows them your vulnerability and your love for them.
For five days, communicate using the five love languages for each other This will create positive momentum. At the end, talk about what you liked best and least, what the challenges were, what responses you noticed. Agree to pay attention to each other’s love languages from now on.
Our Love language can deepen the marriage relationship and create a bond of intimacy that is so essential to your marriage.
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