Boundaries In Marriage Build Respect For One Another
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Boundaries are what we use to stop damaging behavior. Our everyday life is filled with boundaries.
- We send out children to time out when they hit someone.
- We don’t eat a second dessert to control our weight.
- We don’t drink and drive.
When it comes to boundaries in our relationships, people are often confused about the purpose of boundaries.
Boundaries are not:
- Telling people what you don’t like; that’s criticism. Criticism only creates conflict and distance.
- Trying to make someone do something; that’s control. Control only creates avoidance and distance.
- Shouting, commanding, arguing, complaining, threatening, or nagging. These are just words that cause conflict.
Boundaries are:
- Lines you won’t cross.
- Behavior that you won’t put up with.
- Actions that are always under your control.
A boundary is an action you take or refuse to take to end a damaging behavior and restore respect in your relationship.
When you allow people to mistreat you in any way, they lose respect for you. They also feel more powerful than you and care less and less about you.
Boundaries are an effective alternative to arguing or pleading with your spouse to change.
Talking is important in relationships but talking about problems sometimes leads to increased conflict. When communication breaks down and is ineffective, our actions can communicate better than words. Telling your husband to do or not do something is not a boundary. For example, if you say:
“I want you to stop yelling at me.”
That is not a boundary because it is completely under your spouse’s control. You have clearly stated what you want, however they can freely defy you and yell at you as it suits them. Commands, threats, and pleading cannot make your spouse do something. It lets your spouse know you are upset but it does not motivate them to change.
“Whenever you yell at me, I’m going to walk away.” The next time your spouse yells at you, walk away.
This is true boundary because walking away is under your control. Also, you are the one who gets to decide what is yelling. Although your spouse may choose to yell, walking away is not under their control. Walking away whenever they do that shows them that you will no longer tolerate that behavior. Done consistently, changing what you do will change what they do. After a few weeks, your spouse will likely have stopped yelling and talk to you in a more respectful tone.
Boundaries are last step to change a damaging behavior that threatens your marriage.
When your spouse is doing something that you don’t like, but is not immediately threatening or damaging, loving communication should be used first. Loving communication is telling your spouse what you want and why it is important for the both of you.
Honey, what do you think about setting aside time every evening for us to talk about our budget and savings?
If loving communications fail, you can become more assertive.
Honey, we really need to make a budget, cut down our expenses, and start saving or we will never have enough money saved up for a down payment on a house.
If this level of communication also fails, then the next step is to communicate your boundary. It is not up for discussion or debate. It is the way things are going to be.
Honey, I love you and I don’t want expenses piling up that will destroy our marriage. I have opened separate bank accounts for my income and expenses, and I will contribute my share of the bills from that and save on my own.
Use Boundaries with Love to restore your relationship.
Once you have put the boundary in place, you don’t need to bring it up again. However, remember to continue to show your love for your spouse daily. If you put up a boundary and withdraw affection, it will not inspire your spouse to change and desire a connection with you.
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