Written by Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, the Marriage in a Box blog shares insights into common relationship struggles, gives ideas for moving beyond the roadblocks, and helps you find your path to happiness – both individually and within your relationship.
Holidays put an excessive amount of financial stress on couples. Buying gifts for the children, gifts for each other, gifts for each other’s families can add up in a hurry. In addition, Christmas time outings and festivities get expensive as well. Add in outfits for Christmas parties, baking etc. and you have a big bill come the New Year. Here are 5 ways to keep the holiday spending in check.
- Decide your budget for the holidays ahead of the spending and stick to it. Allocates certain amounts for gifts, for outfits, for food, for decorations and put that amount in separate envelopes. When the money is gone-so is the buying.
- Talk to other members of the extended family and work out agreements on gift giving. In our family, we decided that we would give adult sisters and brothers “Family gifts” – 1 item or handmade gift for the whole family.
- Eliminate unnecessary gifts like Friends and co-workers and give a card instead.
- Decide who will do the shopping for gifts so you don’t duplicate or overspend.
- Limit the amount of gifts you give to the kids. Your love for your children is not measured in how much money you spend on them. They would much rather have your presence, time and attention. Do things together as a family such as go out caroling at a local nursing home. Build a fire and roast marshmallows and tell holiday stories. Volunteer as a family at a community event.
Tis the season for decorating the house with twinkle lights, putting up the tree, baking goodies, picking out gifts, and attending holiday parties. It’s also the most stressful time of year. You feel pressured to make sure everything is perfect, try out those recipes in the magazines, make the foods his mother always made, and be the best-dressed person at the party. In the midst of trying to live up to all of those expectations, you can make yourself and your spouse miserable. 4 things to keep in mind to keep your expectations in check.
It’s Not about Things. No one has ever created the perfect holiday Opt to focus on relationships rather than things this holiday. No one will remember that you made the prettiest wreath on the block, but they will remember that you did not go to their holiday concert because you were too exhausted to make it.
It’s Not About the Party. You need to prioritize your marriage and family over extended family or party guests. For instance, if you know your child needs a nap in the afternoon to ensure that they won’t get overtired and cranky, that needs to be the priority. Establish the expectation when the party or event begins, and then honor that priority by politely excusing yourself and asking your spouse to host for a while so you can take care of the kids.
It’s Not About the Food. Most holidays revolve around a meal or appetizers or sweets of some kindIf you are in the kitchen the whole season, you are missing important moments with your husband and kids. There are so many delicious pre-prepared sweets, sides etc. that you can pick up at the grocery store to make more time for enjoying the holidays with family. Skip the cookie baking and go ice-skating with the family.
It’s Not about Keeping Up Traditions. Every family is different and has their own holiday traditions. Accept that. Your family always opens presents on Christmas morning and then has a big brunch but your spouse’s family opens presents on Christmas Eve after the Christmas Eve service and dinner. You and your spouse want to open presents Christmas morning with the kids at your house. How do you manage it all? Talk to all the relatives involved and tell them your plans for your family’s Christmas and then ask when they would like to get together to celebrate with you and yours. Protect your own family holiday time.
Holidays are meant to be spent with your spouse, family and friends. They will be much more enjoyable if you manage your expectations.
It is the season of Thanksgiving and most people’s thoughts are focused on what will be on the dinner table, what guests are coming, and holiday decorations. In the hustle and bustle of holiday preparations it can be easy to take our spouses for granted. This Thanksgiving take some time to reflect on what you are thankful for in your marriage.
Putting in writing what you are thankful for in your marriage helps you be mindful of your spouse’s qualities that you admire, the little things that they do that endear them to you, and the reasons you fell in love with them. Make a list and share it with one another on Thanksgiving. You will enjoy sharing your list and get to experience the joy of hearing your spouse share their list.
When you’re married, you can be thankful because:
- You have someone to share and celebrate special moments with.
- You don’t need to worry about being lonely and struggling through problems.
- You can express your opinion without fearing rejection.
- You do not have to do everything yourself, your spouse is your helpmate.
- You have a partner to make you feel better when you’re down.
- You have someone to confide in.
- Your spouse loves you unconditionally.
- Your spouse can make you feel like the sexiest person alive.
- Your spouse makes you want to be a better person.
- Your spouse is your accountability partner
- Your spouse is supportive of you in your endeavors.
- Your spouse is your biggest cheerleader
- Your spouse is your best friend.
- Your spouse accepts you and forgives you for your faults.
- Your spouse will make sacrifices for you and the family.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM ALL OF US AT MARRIAGE IN A BOX.
All too often, we assume that our spouse know that we are thankful for him or her and all the things that he or she does for us. Unfortunately, your spouse may not really know how grateful you are for them. Couples who show higher levels of gratitude for their spouse are less likely to seek a divorce. Believing that your partner values you has a big impact on how you feel about your marriage.
Studies show that there is not one key thing that makes a successful marriage. However, two little words can go a long way to actually strengthen your marriage and make your spouse feel valued.
Here are 5 ways to say “thank you” to your spouse.
- Do an errand or chore for them.
We all have chores or errands we don’t like to do. Do something for your spouse that you know they do not like to do. Clean the bathroom, take the car to get it serviced, and weed the flowerbeds.
- Give your spouse “gratitude gifts”.
Saying thank you is appreciated but showing your gratitude with a small little gift occasionally speaks volumes. It is not necessary to go all out with a big, expensive gift. Small gifts like a “thank you” note in his or her briefcase or lunch, or an intimate “thank you” dinner are enough.
- Leave little “Thank you for being you” notes.
Don’t just thank your spouse for what they do for you. Thank them for who they are to you. Leave a little note on their pillow or dresser or next to their dinner or breakfast plate thanking them for bringing joy to your life or always being there for you.
- Set aside time to listen.
We often get so busy crossing off our to do list that we don’t remember to just spend time with our partner listening to how their day went or a story they tell. Make it a point to make time to sit down and just listen to your spouse.
- Show them how you feel.
Sometimes a simple touch or act of intimacy can let your spouse know how much you mean to them. Pamper your spouse with a shoulder or foot massage. Spend time cuddling up on the couch in front of a warm fire. The small acts of touch enhance their well-being and let them know that you are grateful for them.
Respect means “ to honor or to hold in high esteem”. Being considerate and acknowledging opinions are two pieces of respect. A marriage without respect lacks integrity. When you lose sight of your spouse’s value, you are more apt to treat them in disrespectful ways.
Verbal signs of disrespect can cause an argument or escalate an argument. Examples include sarcasm, minimizing, interrupting, talking over your spouse, yelling or screaming, or name calling.
Nonverbal disrespectful behaviors while your spouse is speaking send signals to your spouse that you do not consider them to be someone worth listening to. Examples are eye rolling, smirking, finger pointing, yawning, scrolling through cellphone texts.
Value is a decision and a gift
Value should not be based on what someone does for you or how you feel. It is a decision you make and a gift you give. When you took your marriage vow to love, honor, and cherish, you made the decision to view your spouse as a person of high worth and value.
5 ways to show you value your spouse’s opinion
- When your spouse talks to you, look into his or her eyes to connect.
- Make sure you actively listen to what your spouse says to you. Don’t appear to listen but actually be occupied in your thoughts and actions.
- Make sure your body language says, “I care” when your spouse needs your attention. Don’t turn away or be busy with something else.
- Create an honor list for your spouse. Take some time to list all of the positive character traits, things they do, roles they play and positive things that you appreciate about your spouse.
- Say thank you not just for what they do, but also for who they are. “Thank you for being so willing to listen when I had a bad day today.”
The spouse who feels appreciated and valued by the person they have chosen to partner with is likely to engage in more physical intimacy and openness in communication.
Work is a major part of each individual’s life, and it can be challenging to balance work and career needs while maintaining a healthy, happy marriage. Couples often find themselves in the midst of conflict over the jobs of one or both spouses. Here are 5 strategies to help you create a work-life balance.
- Set Boundaries at Work.
Be clear about how full your plate is and what you’re able to take on. Don’t become the go-to person who says yes to everything. Make a promise to yourself to leave work at a reasonable time.
- When you go home, turn it off.
When you leave work, leave your work behind. Shut everything off and disengage. Don’t lose valuable time with your family by staying connected to your job 24/7. Work will be there when you get back.
- Share the high and low points of your workday.
When one or both of you is very invested in your career, the other might end up feeling left out of a major part of your life. If you want your spouse to open up a little more about their work, start by showing an interest in what they do. Listen to your partner and empathize with his or her situation.
- Respect and Support Your Spouse
Respect and recognize that each partner’s contribution to the marriage is equally valued and necessary to a successful career and a solid family life. Express confidence in your partner’s abilities and provide encouragement. Show you care when your spouse is having a hard day.
- Work together to keep the home running smoothly.
Keeping up a household is a full-time job in itself. Add one or two full-time careers and a child or two to that mix, and you’re likely to get overwhelmed very quickly. That’s why it’s so important for the two of you to work together to keep your home running smoothly. If you’re so busy or stressed that neither of you can do an adequate job of keeping up your home, don’t be afraid to hire a housekeeper, a lawn maintenance worker, or even someone to help you cook. Whatever the case may be, sit down with your spouse and negotiate whatever you think might work best for your situation.
As important as it is for husbands and wives to carry their own weight, expecting a completely equal division of chores and money is a good way for people to get hurt. While the intent is to support each other, too often it becomes about keeping score. Expecting a 50/50 relationship leads to 3 things that can destroy a marriage.
- Losing sight of your spouse as a person
Marriage doesn’t come with a chore chart that awards you with gold star and stickers, checking off every time you fulfill a responsibility. Thinking your spouse must do his or her 50 percent leads you to focus on the other person’s performance. You then lose sight of your spouse as the person you vowed to cherish.
- Resentment and negativity towards your spouse
Trying to obtain a 50-50 balance in roles and responsibilities can lead very quickly to the highly toxic elements of resentment and negativity. A 50/50 marriage often has designated chores. They decided one of the husband’s chores is to mow the lawn. The wife gets home before the husband who ends up having to work late. The lawn doesn’t get mowed. This happens a few nights in a row. The wife loses patience in her husband for not completing his chores and either begins to nag him about the lawn or begrudgingly mows the lawn. The wife did not have empathy for her husband having to work so many extra hours at work. Instead her energy was focused on resenting him for not mowing the lawn.
- Selfishness
Whenever you do something for the relationship or the family expecting to get something back in return, it changes the thought process from “What can I do to make this relationship better?” to “If I do this, what am I getting out of it?” It changes the focus of your relationship from making your partner happy to making you happy. A marriage is about putting the needs of your spouse first and doing everything you can to make the relationship work.
Long-term relationships require flexibility to work. The strongest marriages have partners that seem to accept that the equation changes day by day, and sometimes by the hour, and is open to negotiation. It’s likely never going to land on 50 percent.
Most people have an image in their mind of how a relationship should work. For many, it’s that both people share responsibilities 50/50. For others, it’s a traditional view that the wife takes care of the household while the husband takes care of the job and yard. The reality lies somewhere in between.
Most marriages involve two working spouses with hectic schedules and high expectations for their home life together. It is almost impossible to divide the labor 50/50 because at any given time one of you is going to be unavailable to get something done. The traditional division of labor doesn’t work either because you both work. So how do you divide the labor?
You’re sharing a life together, so you need to plan and account for each person’s needs and resources.
- Respect each other’s time and work constraints.
My husband is a planning manager at a pharmaceutical company and works 45+ hours at the office every week. I work from a home office. It does not make sense for my husband to take care of the parenting duties. However, it’s not fair for me to take care of all the parenting duties. So, we split it up. I get the kids fed, clothed and off to school, and take them to after school activities. When my husband comes home, after dinner, he gets the kids bathed and off to bed.
- Figure out what you are each good at, what you each love/hate doing, and then arrange the division of labor accordingly.
I love to cook but my husband can barely boil water. So I cook and he cleans up the dishes. My husband is very picky about how his clothes are cleaned, whereas I just need them to be clean and unwrinkled. I have allergies so I can’t tolerate dust in the house. Our solution: He does the laundry and I do the dusting and dust mopping.
- Discuss everything that’s going on in the household and what each of you can do to change the things that aren’t working.
Set aside a pre-arranged time for you both to sit down and talk about each of the things that need to get done in the household and evaluate how the current arrangement is working. Is there is something that is not getting done to one or the other’s satisfaction; talk about alternative ways that specific item can be done better.
The common thread is continuous communication. Communication is what keeps you in touch with each other and how you read each other’s needs. It is also how you avoid conflict and arguments about who should do what and when.
