Written by Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, the Marriage in a Box blog shares insights into common relationship struggles, gives ideas for moving beyond the roadblocks, and helps you find your path to happiness – both individually and within your relationship.
Honor and respect are necessary for relationships to thrive. Each partner has individual personality traits, talents, quirks, past experiences, and interests. Showing mutual respect demonstrates an appreciation for each other's uniqueness and dissipates the fear of being different. Most relationships start in a good place, but many couples lose respect for their partner. Without mutual respect and honor, a marriage can go downhill into a painful, stressful, and unhappy place. It is possible to have mutual respect even if a partner disagrees on specific issues. With respect in a relationship, it will be easier to solve problems and deal with issues.
What does it mean to Honor Your Partner?
Webster's dictionary defines honor as high respect, esteem, and exalted title or rank. Practically, that means recognizing our spouse's worth and deciding to cherish them as a treasure. Honor puts our other half ahead of ourselves and others and gives them the best version of ourselves instead of giving that to others. Lastly, the little things we do every day build honor in marriage.
Building Honor
It takes practice to build an honor mindset and attitude in a marriage. Remembering the promise to hold our spouse in high esteem can be difficult, especially if angry with them. We also tend to forget all the wonderful things about them; when life gets hard. One strategy is to keep an "I love you" list of things about them that make you smile. It can contain extraordinary things they say or do, funny moments with them, and ways they differ from you that you appreciate. The list reminds us of why we love our spouses, and it helps to review it when we are upset with them.
Honoring someone means respecting and celebrating that person. To give honor accepts and appreciates someone as they are without having to agree with them on all issues. There are so many ways to honor someone; here are a few:
- Pay compliments and celebrate accomplishments.
- Treat them with respect and kindness.
- Be understanding and helpful.
- Listen and be patient.
- Overlook mistakes and encourage.
- Forgive and show compassion.
- Find common ground and appreciate your differences.
- Be open with your heart, eyes, and mind.
Respect is an Action, not a Feeling.
Showing respect is not based on a feeling; it is an action. It is a loving gesture to ask your spouse what feels respectful or disrespectful to them. Giving unconditional respect shows a positive regard toward the other person, regardless of their behavior. Choosing to show respect directs behavior toward that action and declares a value for someone. We demonstrate respect by how we behave toward another person. When you appreciate each other, you uphold healthy boundaries by showing mutual respect.
Why is Honor & Respect Important in a Relationship?
Building a bridge to connect will draw you closer to your partner, not judgment and harsh attitudes. Showing honor and respect will move you away from destructive attitudes toward your partner and help build and maintain a healthy relationship. Honor measures a person's integrity, ethics, and values, such as honesty, compassion, and kindness. Honor is at the center of who we are as humans and how we interact with others, and it strongly influences our lives and choices.
How to Rebuild Honor & Respect in your Marriage
If your partner is losing respect for you, you can help repair the damage by showing that you are responsible, reliable, and trustworthy. However, it's also important to set healthy boundaries and stand up for yourself if you feel disrespected. Respect goes both ways, so reframe your attitude about your partner if you think your respect for them is slipping. This way, an example, an open door may be set for them to respond in kind.
- Start with Communication about How You Both Feel.
- Acknowledge Your Mistakes and Apologize.
- Earn Back their Trust Through Your Actions.
- Observe Your Partner's Boundaries and enforce yours.
- Practice Compassion for Your Partner.
- Listen with an Open Mind.
- Treat your partner the way you wish to be treated.
Marriage In A Box is a great resource that can help with tips and suggestions to help build respect and honor in marriage. It enables access to the simple tools, techniques, and solutions professional marriage counselors use for typical relationship issues. Marriage coaching is also available on the site. You can set goals and earn rewards. Feel free to check out the available kit and sources of information online at https://www.marriageinabox.com.
As a neutral third party, a professional counselor or therapist can serve as a guide, to contain and consider feelings (anger/guilt/fear), examine causes and resiliency, and help work through conflicts if needed.
It is not unusual for a partner to lash out by criticizing their spouse sometimes after a tough day. It is healthy to realize that something hurtful was said and apologize quickly. You may feel stung as a partner on the receiving end of the critical words, but hopefully, you can empathize with a hard day and accept a heartfelt apology. If criticism shows up occasionally like this in a relationship, it is not a cause for concern unless criticism escalates to becoming a habit where consequences can be devastating.
To compliment is an expression of esteem, respect, affection, or admiration.
To criticize is to find fault with or point out one's flaws.
The Difference between criticism and constructive feedback
For a relationship to function well, feedback must be given and accepted. There is a line between constructive feedback and criticism. Healthy feedback is about behavior and not a person. We can let our partner know what we think or feel without criticizing them individually. An example would be, "I'm worried about eating too much fat in our diet. Can we talk about how we might eat healthier?
On the other hand, criticism lends itself to commenting on a partner's character or personality and is often extreme and non-specific. For example, "You're lazy and always cook with a lot of fat, like fried food and food drenched with butter, and never cook healthily. You don't even care if it kills us!". Criticism usually contains words like always and never as part of the accusation.
This type of delivery kills our message's value and makes the feedback pointless.
The Effects of Criticism on your Marriage
Our critical side can raise its ugly head during stress or frustration, making it a difficult habit to break. Understanding the effect criticism has on your partner and the shared bond may encourage you to reexamine your ways.
It breaks down your partner's self-esteem.
As anyone who receives criticism knows, these statements cut deeply. Repeated criticism can shake one's confidence and cause doubt about the ability to perform. If criticism comes from someone who is supposed to love us, we begin to believe that what they say must be valid. It raises questions about our value and worth.
It erodes trust.
Frequent criticism feels like betrayal and violates the implied promise of protection from hurt made in the formation of the relationship.
How to break the cycle of constant criticism
- Stop trying to change your spouse.
Trying to force your spouse to change can cause more harm than good. Couples changing and growing should happen naturally, not something you should push. Encouraging self-improvement is an admirable quality of a supportive partner.
- Treat your partner with Respect.
Respect indicates that your feelings, happiness, and welfare are essential to your partner and promote trust, appreciation, empathy, and safety. A mission to change your spouse is disrespectful to them and your relationship. It can break down their self-esteem, hurt their feelings, and demean their sense of self.
- Stop pushing your partner away.
Personal growth is fantastic. Everyone has things on which they could work. Changing behaviors and responses for your partner is sometimes a good thing. But if you constantly try to change your partner, you disrespect them and send a message that what they offer you isn't good enough, and distance is created.
- Put yourself in your partner’s shoes
Realize that you wouldn't accept someone criticizing you. Think about how it would feel if your partner constantly told you that you need to change. Nobody likes to be picked apart and told what to do all the time. Demanding change from your spouse can leave them feeling unworthy and leave you emotionally exhausted and unsatisfied.
Tips to stop criticism.
The antidote to criticism is to use a soft, gentle manner to complain without blame.
Decide the kind of person and spouse you want to be and how you want that reflected in your marriage. If you are serious about removing criticism from your marriage, decide and commit to working on your part.
- Discuss your feelings using "I" statements and expressing a positive need. Avoid using "you" statements and expressing negative judgment, which will make your partner feel attacked.
- Focus on the positive aspects of your partner instead of the negative.
- Do what it takes to stop finding fault, belittling, nit-picking, cutting down, or chastising your partner. It takes work to accept your partner, even their annoying traits, bad habits that aren't harmful, quirks, and idiosyncrasies.
- Think about why you married your spouse and praise their good qualities.
Resign yourself to the fact that you will not change your partner. Observe any behavior changes in your partner. Without criticism in your marriage relationship, see if your partner is more interactive, lively, open, or spontaneous and seems more relaxed.
There are resources available from the Marriage in a Box website in the form of a toolbox, The Marriage in a Box toolbox and coaching can both help you and your partner change how you relate to each other. Marriage in a box tools and resources can provide tips to communicate effectively. Feel free to check out the available kit, resources, and counselors online at ttps://www.marriageinabox.com.
Research shows that you will be on the road to change if you apply new behaviors for thirty consecutive days. Everyone deserves to live in a criticism-free environment.
It is not unusual for a partner to lash out by criticizing their spouse sometimes after a tough day. It is healthy to realize that something hurtful was said and apologize quickly. You may feel stung as a partner on the receiving end of the critical words, but hopefully, you can empathize with a hard day and accept a heartfelt apology. If criticism shows up occasionally like this in a relationship, it is not a cause for concern unless criticism escalates to becoming a habit where consequences can be devastating.
To compliment is an expression of esteem, respect, affection, or admiration.
To criticize is to find fault with or point out one's flaws.
The Difference between criticism and constructive feedback
For a relationship to function well, feedback must be given and accepted. There is a line between constructive feedback and criticism. Healthy feedback is about behavior and not a person. We can let our partner know what we think or feel without criticizing them individually. An example would be, "I'm worried about eating too much fat in our diet. Can we talk about how we might eat healthier?
On the other hand, criticism lends itself to commenting on a partner's character or personality and is often extreme and non-specific. For example, "You're lazy and always cook with a lot of fat, like fried food and food drenched with butter, and never cook healthily. You don't even care if it kills us!". Criticism usually contains words like always and never as part of the accusation.
This type of delivery kills our message's value and makes the feedback pointless.
The Effects of Criticism on your Marriage
Our critical side can raise its ugly head during stress or frustration, making it a difficult habit to break. Understanding the effect criticism has on your partner and the shared bond may encourage you to reexamine your ways.
It breaks down your partner's self-esteem.
As anyone who receives criticism knows, these statements cut deeply. Repeated criticism can shake one's confidence and cause doubt about the ability to perform. If criticism comes from someone who is supposed to love us, we begin to believe that what they say must be valid. It raises questions about our value and worth.
It erodes trust.
Frequent criticism feels like betrayal and violates the implied promise of protection from hurt made in the formation of the relationship.
How to break the cycle of constant criticism
- Stop trying to change your spouse.
Trying to force your spouse to change can cause more harm than good. Couples changing and growing should happen naturally, not something you should push. Encouraging self-improvement is an admirable quality of a supportive partner.
- Treat your partner with Respect.
Respect indicates that your feelings, happiness, and welfare are essential to your partner and promote trust, appreciation, empathy, and safety. A mission to change your spouse is disrespectful to them and your relationship. It can break down their self-esteem, hurt their feelings, and demean their sense of self.
- Stop pushing your partner away.
Personal growth is fantastic. Everyone has things on which they could work. Changing behaviors and responses for your partner is sometimes a good thing. But if you constantly try to change your partner, you disrespect them and send a message that what they offer you isn't good enough, and distance is created.
- Put yourself in your partner’s shoes
Realize that you wouldn't accept someone criticizing you. Think about how it would feel if your partner constantly told you that you need to change. Nobody likes to be picked apart and told what to do all the time. Demanding change from your spouse can leave them feeling unworthy and leave you emotionally exhausted and unsatisfied.
Tips to stop criticism.
The antidote to criticism is to use a soft, gentle manner to complain without blame.
Decide the kind of person and spouse you want to be and how you want that reflected in your marriage. If you are serious about removing criticism from your marriage, decide and commit to working on your part.
- Discuss your feelings using "I" statements and expressing a positive need. Avoid using "you" statements and expressing negative judgment, which will make your partner feel attacked.
- Focus on the positive aspects of your partner instead of the negative.
- Do what it takes to stop finding fault, belittling, nit-picking, cutting down, or chastising your partner. It takes work to accept your partner, even their annoying traits, bad habits that aren't harmful, quirks, and idiosyncrasies.
- Think about why you married your spouse and praise their good qualities.
Resign yourself to the fact that you will not change your partner. Observe any behavior changes in your partner. Without criticism in your marriage relationship, see if your partner is more interactive, lively, open, or spontaneous and seems more relaxed.
There are resources available from the Marriage in a Box website in the form of a toolbox, The Marriage in a Box toolbox and coaching can both help you and your partner change how you relate to each other. Marriage in a box tools and resources can provide tips to communicate effectively. Feel free to check out the available kit, resources, and counselors online at ttps://www.marriageinabox.com.
Research shows that you will be on the road to change if you apply new behaviors for thirty consecutive days. Everyone deserves to live in a criticism-free environment.
Anxiety can easily creep into our relationships, and the fear of being close to others can make emotional intimacy challenging. Such concerns center around feelings of vulnerability, inadequacy, or fears related to taking on responsibility. Very often, the response to such feelings is to find ways to gain emotional distance. These relationships often fail to gain momentum, falter, lose direction, and eventually die from a lack of deep connection.
There must be a sense of safety or freedom to experience joy. Anxiety causes negative thoughts and fears, taking pleasure out of a relationship, and may hinder sex and intimacy.
Anxiety Causes Fear and Worry
- Anxiety breaks down trust and connection. Building trust within your relationship may reduce the power of concerns. Trust can be built by sharing fears and worries and helping each other work through them with warmth.
- Anxiety causes fear or worries, making it difficult to pay attention to what is happening, and your partner may feel you aren't present. Openly share when you're worried, and try to reach out to your partner rather than withdraw or attack in fear.
- Anxiety crushes your authentic voice, creating panic or procrastination. Acknowledging your feelings, asking for support sooner rather than later, and getting the help you need are healthier strategies. Try expressing true feelings to your partner and pause before hastily discussing stressful thoughts.
- Anxiety causes you to be self-focused. You may focus too much on your concerns, putting unnecessary pressure on your relationship. Keeping your stress levels under control can be especially hard when your partner feels anxious, upset, or defensive.
- Anxiety robs you of joy. Anxiety makes us feel either fearful or limited and can hinder enjoying sex and intimacy and take the joy out of a moment. Humor can help overcome fear and help you laugh and play with your partner. Joy physically heals and comforts the brain in significant ways for a healthy relationship. As anxiety weakens, your relationship strengthens.
What do Men and Women in Relationships Fear?
Fear and Shame
It is common for females to fear abandonment: isolation, neglect, rejection, and feeling alone.
Most women thrive on closeness and connection. So naturally, if there is any issue, women need to discuss it to feel connected again.
The most common male fear is inadequacy which causes shame: embarrassment, weakness, and fear of failure.
Men pride themselves on being able to please their partner and may feel like they've disappointed their spouse if there is any issue.
When partners trigger each other's fears, they may go into fight or flight and release the stress hormone cortisol, causing them to feel the need to defend themselves and withdraw. The spiral of Fear/Shame is a vicious cycle that breeds more disconnection and hurt.
What's the Solution?
Stay Connected-Be vulnerable. Our Fears and Anxieties stem from unrealistic expectations. There are a few things you can stop doing right now to help decrease the fear and anxiety cycle:
Here are some strategies to help the male partner.
- Don't expect his actions and responses to be just like yours.
- Tell him your desires instead of your complaint and catch him doing something right rather than criticizing. Use phrases such as: "I love it when you…".
- Regularly having sex deepens the feeling of connection. Be physically affectionate every day. (A kiss, a hug, a hand massage, a butt pat).
- Don't expect him to make you
- Be deliberate in being supportive sometimes too.
- Avoid overdoing support requests because neediness can slowly quench desire over time.
Here are strategies for helping the female partner:
- Do your share of the household chores.
- Please don't leave her out of important aspects of your life. Open your heart and mind to her, and let her in.
- Be physically affectionate every day. (A kiss, a hug, a hand massage, a butt pat).
- Don't expect her to have the same sex drive as you.
- Don't ignore or dismiss her bids for connection. Routinely connect with her throughout the day.
Communicate: Tough Conversations can bring you closer together.
All relationships have to deal with tough things now and then. Trust that you and your partner can cope with a challenging discussion which will build your relationship. Choose your words and tone carefully, and listen to the other person's words.
Let Your Partner See You as a Support.
Be a support to your partner also to make sure your partner knows that it doesn't matter how big or small their struggles are. There's healing in the warmth of the person you love, so ask, hold, and touch. Anxious thoughts are very personal but letting your partner in on them is essential to intimacy.
Connection is the Cure.
The way out of the Fear/Shame spiral is by recognizing you're in it, being compassionate, and empathizing with your spouse's fears. Fear and shame are signs of disconnection and present an opportunity for connection and reassurance, decreasing tension and hostility. Life is messy and chaotic, and disconnecting is sometimes inevitable. But when fear and shame try to sneak in, they can be recognized and stopped by reconnecting.
If you're having difficulty overcoming fear and anxiety in your relationship, seeking outside support can be helpful.
Marriage In a Box is a great resource that gives you access to the simple tools, techniques, and solutions professional marriage counselors use for typical relationship issues. Marriage coaching is also available on the site. You can set goals and earn rewards. Feel free to check out the available kit and sources of information online.
Everyone keeps Secrets, and research shows that people keep around thirteen of them on average. Researchers found that the most common secrets involve behavior or romantic thoughts about someone outside the confines of your primary relationship. But all secrets, big and small, profoundly affect you and your marriage whether you notice it or not.
Tip: 3 Ways to Spot a Secret
- You're hiding something on purpose.
- There is shame or fear about sharing it with your partner.
- It would upset your partner if they discovered that you hid it.
Secrecy is not Privacy.
Privacy is about having a life you don't share with others; secrecy is about intentionally hiding information. It is probably in the secret category if you feel shame or fear about something you're not sharing with your spouse.
Why Do Partners Keep Secrets from Each other?
Keeping secrets within a relationship can create conflict or embarrassment. People keep secrets because they fear that their partners won't be able to love them if they know the truth. People believe that the anger, shame, or humiliation their partner would feel would alienate them and push them away from the relationship. Secrecy deprives family members of the information that could have enabled them to act to prevent a future problem.
Keeping Secrets Could Destroy Your Relationship.
Typical secrets reported include money troubles, viewing pornography, and various forms of betrayal, such as infidelity. Experts agree that secrets can cause broken trust and are hard to repair. When your partner withholds essential information from you regardless of their reasons, it's normal to feel betrayed. For many, any form of deceit can be a deal-breaker. Feeling guilty or uneasy about not disclosing information to them is a red flag that you need to do so. When people keep secrets, they impede communication between themselves and their loved ones, creating stilted, unnatural conversations because so much overthinking is involved to ensure they are not revealing the lie.
Determine What to Share with Your Spouse and What Not To.
Things You Should Not Keep Secret from Your Spouse
Examples of these truths include job loss, debt, infidelity, addictions, health diagnoses, and any other information that could damage (or do further harm) the trust between you and your spouse. Often, people keep significant truths secret from one another because they don't want to harm others.
Private Issues That Could Harm Your Relationship with Your Spouse.
Privacy can be a boundary around one's thoughts, ideas, and past experiences that don't directly involve one's partner. A secret is misleading and intentionally kept hidden from them for fear of judgment or reprisal. It would affect their well-being emotionally, spiritually, physically, or financially. Privacy becomes harmful when your partner is affected by the secret.
Some examples of this:
- They are not paying bills, harboring financial debt, or borrowing money without their knowledge.
- Work issues include knowing you might be losing your job or considering a job change that will affect your shared lifestyle.
- Addiction.
- Health issues that will affect them.
- Relationships or affairs.
This three-question test will help you decide whether you need to disclose information to your partner.
- How would you feel if your partner held a similar secret and didn't tell you?
- What is your motive for sharing, and what is your reason for not sharing? Are those reasons in line with your values?
- Have you discussed how you each feel and think about Privacy and secrecy? Can you discuss the information in mind without going into specifics so that you reach a mutual agreement on where you should draw the lines?
Some of the following issues may be better to keep to yourself such as:
- Past lovers or times spent with someone else are better left unsaid. Many relationship experts feel that health is the only topic to discuss regarding past relationships, although some people love stories about old lovers.
- Things that someone has confided only in you.
- Thoughts about a best friend or a business colleague being especially hot are best unspoken.
- Secret complaints about something their partner cannot change about themselves: body hair, introverted tendencies, or you wish they had gotten their teeth straightened when they were a kid.
Discuss Expectations and Boundaries about Honesty, Openness, and Privacy with Your Spouse.
If you've never discussed expectations, boundaries, honesty, openness, and Privacy with your spouse, it would be beneficial to do so. As a couple, you'll want to establish boundaries and expectations that work for you. You can decide what life details you wish to share and what information might be better left unsaid.
If you feel uncomfortable or uneasy because you cannot trust your partner, then deciding not to take them back is logical. A quality life needs a sense of security. Keeping secrets or lying to a partner risks losing their trust and jeopardizing your relationship.
Marriage In a Box is a great resource that gives you access to the simple tools, techniques, and solutions professional marriage counselors use for typical relationship issues. Marriage coaching is also available on the site. You can set goals and earn rewards. Feel free to check out the available kit and sources of information online.
Signs of a suffocating relationship can take several forms. It can be that a needy partner craves so much attention that they can't see friends or family. A codependent relationship can excessively demand your time and energy. People may become resentful, feel trapped, and erect walls if they neglect personal wants in favor of their spouse. A stifling relationship can rob the joy of a healthy romantic partnership and become toxic.
Your Partner is Keeping Tabs on You.
Enmeshment in a relationship can have symptoms of blurred boundaries like micromanaging and excessive control. Indeed, you should always talk to your partner before making major life decisions, but you shouldn't have to speak to them about every detail. If you're in a relationship with an enmeshment style of attachment, set small limits on your partner's control by making small, daily choices without consulting them first.
Your Partner is Jealous.
Jealousy is a feeling of anger when someone thinks another person is trying to get their partner's attention. Jealousy is a desire to control someone to whom you're attached. If your partner borders on irrational jealousy, it can become toxic if they obsess about who you're with when you're not with them. Jealousy can make your partner insecure and anxious about whether your feelings for them are authentic.
Your Partner Uses Manipulation to Get What They Want.
Manipulation is an attempt by an individual to influence someone's emotions to get them to act in a way to get what they want. Every human is subject to manipulating others to get what they want, especially in close or casual relationships. Using guilt or feigning illness are common tactics that prevent you from interacting with family or friends or enjoying time independently. The manipulator may be consuming all of your time already and may want to isolate you, which will cause feelings of suffocation.
Small Ways to Fix a Suffocating Marriage
Express your concerns to Your Partner
One of the most important things to fix the experience of emotional suffocation is expressing your feelings openly about violating your boundaries so they can see the relationship through your eyes. If your partner isn't aware that they're being suffocating, chances are they won't do anything about it. It can be even more significant if they're aware of your needs and aren't listening.
Open communication with mutual respect is essential to every healthy relationship. When discussing boundaries with your partner, be honest and understanding about what you and your partner are comfortable with or not. Consider writing down your expectations to see what you want when sharing them with your partner. Open communication about how certain behaviors affect you lets your partner know what's wrong so they can fix it.
Set solid boundaries
Each partner should set specific personal boundaries at the beginning of the relationship and when attempting to repair current damages. These boundaries need to be firm, without allowances for crossing the lines, or there is a possibility of ending the partnership.
Take back your privacy.
It's okay to celebrate milestones, special occasions, and even good news on social media if everyone agrees and knows it's happening. Decide what you will share with family and friends or on social media and what will be kept personal.
Work on re-developing a sense of independence.
Couples should make significant decisions as a team. If one person makes all the decisions, the cycle of feeling suffocated can start in a relationship. To break free from the pattern, limit your mate's "policing" capacity and choose to make daily decisions independently.
Encouraging your partner to have fun with friends or family or engage in hobbies or activities independently will display trust in your mate. Your spouse may see they can also trust you to do activities alone without the occurrence of anything improper.
Freely share your opinion.
It's healthy for couples to share their opinions on different topics and agree to disagree. Being able to share views is a beneficial element of good relationships. Loving couples disagree on many subjects, but it doesn't have to affect their feelings for each other.
Take time each day for yourself.
Pamper yourself and do things you enjoy to refuel positive energy and relieve stress (hobbies, sports, spa time, etc.).
Reinforce the Importance of Trust.
If you're in a committed relationship for a while and still feel it's hard to be alone, you may want to look at what's happening. Reconnecting to your individuality will be very hard if you continue this way, and it will feel impossible to respect theirs. Building a relationship of trust will help you avoid feeling smothered.
If your partnership is beginning to drain you or cause resentment towards your mate, consuming every moment of your time and having unreasonable expectations, you're experiencing a suffocating relationship. Partners can learn to effectively communicate their needs and wants and show mutual respect and commitment to one another.
Work on your relationship together in the privacy of your home! Download Marriage in a Box's e-book "Marriage: Fix it or Leave It" by Maria Sappe, LMFT. Marriage In A Box is also a great resource that gives you access to the simple tools, techniques, and solutions professional marriage counselors use for typical relationship issues. Marriage coaching is also available on the site. Check it out online.
Remember when you were dating and couldn't wait to spend time together? In those days, you both had so many things in commo n. You were drawn to the same types of activities. Many Sunday afternoons, you would spend hours just talking about things you were going to do someday and genuinely enjoying each other's company.
Now that you have been married for several years, it may seem like you have drifted apart. You might not share many things or have the same interests in common anymore. You probably can't remember the last time you spent hours together just talking. What happened?
How do couples go from being so in tune to entirely out of sync?
When couples are out of sync, they may not be speaking the same love language. We all use "languages" to express our love for those we are close to, such as affirming words, quality time, touch, doing acts of service, and gift giving or receiving. Looking at these areas, you can see how you and your partner match or differ, which may cause gaps in relating. Learning to communicate in your partner's love language will feel more natural as you practice.
There are many reasons why relationships don't endure.
Research suggests that the main reasons relationships fail are losing trust and intimacy, communication issues, lacking respect, and having different priorities, which lead to neglecting to spend quality time together. Relationships composed of lying, jealousy, and infidelity are centered on mistrust, an insecure foundation that makes it hard to endure. When you can't find a compromise or be able to stay on one path together, your relationship will suffer.
Six Steps to Finding Your Common Ground Again.
1. Acknowledge how you are feeling to your partner. Communicate.
Gently let your partner know how you are feeling and that you don't feel as close to them as you once were. Ask if there is anything that can help you bond together again, and try to open up a conversation that allows both partners to share their issues.
2. Recognize Your Partner's Emotional Needs. Recommit to your Partner.
Everyone needs to feel loved, safe with and desired by their partner. Couples often mindlessly ignore each other's emotional needs. To feel more connected with your partner, learn to recognize the importance of opportunities to connect positively rather than criticize, be romantic, give praise or help out. These moments are essential to building trust and intimacy in your relationship.
3. Schedule a date night once per week.
Prioritize date nights by doing something you enjoy and having quality time together to deepen your emotional connection. Talk and share as you used to do when you were dating. It's important not to forget that you still have fun together.
4. If You Think You Know What Your Partner is Feeling or Thinking, Don't Assume. Ask.
It is wise not to assume your partner's thoughts and feelings but to ask and create an atmosphere for open and honest sharing. Are you aware of your partner's worries, stresses, hopes, aspirations, and goals? Using the following keys to get to know your spouse better and share your inner self is a lifelong process.
- Ask questions
- Remember the answers
- Keep asking questions
5. Learn to Accept Your Partner, Warts, and all.
We all have personality flaws. Rather than focus on your partner's inadequacies, learn to accept them and express what you cherish about them. Try to use appreciation over criticism; your partner will feel an emotional connection. Often, the seemingly insignificant moments of unity are the most significant.
6. Turn back toward your Partner. Respond to their cues for attention.
Bids for attention are attempts to connect with our partners and can be verbal or nonverbal. If we respond favorably to these bids, they will feel appreciated, acknowledged, and given affection. How we respond to these bids for attention in our relationships is critical. Research has found that couples whose marriages endured frequently turned towards each other and created closeness and responsiveness, thus making connections.
One thing that prevents couples from breaking up is to hold your partner in high esteem and provide emotional, psychological, and physical intimacy for each other. The partners in these relationships effectively deal with conflict and give their partners the benefit of the doubt.
Sometimes you feel out of sync with your partner, but it doesn't always mean you have fallen out of love. It simply means that communication issues may undermine feelings of intimacy and connection with each other, even in our closest relationships. No relationship is perfect, but if your difficult moments outweigh the good ones, it is time to evaluate your relationship.
If you want to work on your relationship, download Marriage in a Box's eBook "Marriage: Fix it or Leave It" by Maria Sappe, LMFT. Marriage In a Box is also a great resource that gives you access to the simple tools, techniques, and solutions professional marriage counselors use for typical relationship issues. Marriage coaching is also available on the site.
Being in a relationship isn't always easy. In the beginning, you may float above the clouds together, but it's not unusual to experience stormy times and arguments further down the road. Conflict can be healthy and help you and your partner better understand and meet each other's needs. If disputes are not dealt with correctly, they can escalate into something more difficult to bounce back from or repair. Frustrations can arise from many things but taking it out only on your partner is unfair to them.
Examples of frustrating language are "You're always getting on my nerves" or "You never help me." Using always and never makes your partner feel like they are always hurting you and makes you think internally that your partner is the root cause of all your problems. Marital problems can be intense and painful, and hurts can go deep and last a long time.
What is a Hurt-Free Zone?
Making a hurt-free zone calls for a period of "relationship stabilization," where certain types of marriage-destroying communication and interactions are not allowed to continue and can have a powerful effect on relationships in just a few days. If trying to save a marriage, with or without a counselor, setting up your hurt-free zone is a critical step in the emotional repair process you must do as a couple. The most destructive communication pattern is criticism and defensiveness, leading to emotional shutdowns and "relationship contempt."
How to Create a Hurt-Free Zone in your Marriage
Rule #1: Use "I Feel Words.." rather than "You did this. Words"
"I feel" statements convey how the communicator feels and helps minimize defensiveness, hostility, and conflict. Using feeling statements helps people assert themselves. I-statements should state how the communicator feels, is connected to an issue, and offer possible solutions. Research suggests that I-messages improve communication, are used in therapy interventions by professionals, and minimize the risk of arguing and hostility.
Examples of "I Feel" Statements
Instead of saying, "You never let me say what I want to do." you say: "I feel frustrated when we talk about planning activities, and I don't get to say where I would like to go." It's best if both partners have input.
Rule #2: No Criticism or Name Calling is allowed.
Everyone hates Criticism. Couples often default to this behavior and feel licensed to do so because they know each other's flaws, lose patience and get annoyed with them. They may belittle, badger, and blame each other in ways they'd never do with friends, even though they know it's harmful. Criticism can have adverse effects because it makes the partner feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt.
Couples fear that if they agree to stop criticizing, they won't be able to have a conversation about agreements or broken promises. A better approach is appreciatively voicing a complaint which is less off putting. Criticism attacks a person's character. Our brains seem wired with a built-in negative bias. Our brains tend to place weight on the negative automatically. Using sarcasm in a romantic relationship can often be a subtle criticism and can adversely affect your partner.
Rule #3: Never Raise Your Voice.
Anger is a natural feeling; it is only harmful if channeled in unhealthy ways. Raising one's voice in an argument shows desperation and a loss of control. The couple can enter an emotional realm conducive to mental and physical violence. If you say what you mean firmly and mean what you speak with your spouse regularly, then that statement alone will be treated with the seriousness it deserves. An example would be simply saying, "I am angry," as a safer way to convey feelings. As mentioned, a man should never yell at his significant other. Most men are stronger than the women in their life, so ending a disagreement by introducing the specter of violence is cowardly, wrong, and very detrimental to the relationship's health.
Rule #4: Don't Make Assumptions-Ask.
To understand your spouse, accurately ask questions, clarify, and express what you want. Clear communication with others helps avoid misunderstandings and drama.
Rule #5: When Your Spouse Speaks to you-Actively listen.
Sometimes distractions cause you to stop listening because your mind prioritized something else or a phone was buzzing. Your nervous system is busy integrating an endless world of stimuli, and your conscious mind struggles to keep up. Everyone faces other thoughts or activities that can divert your attention quickly and unconsciously. Active listening shows caring. It's easy to take the human being you're talking to for granted. A way to redirect your focus is to help you stop half-listening and start actively listening. It is a practice of seeing the other person in a higher light as wise and intelligent, as if you were talking to the Queen. In this way, your partner will feel listened to and respected.
Conclusion
Marriage In A Box is a great resource that gives you access to the simple tools, techniques, and solutions professional marriage counselors use for typical relationship issues. Marriage coaching is also available on the site. You can set goals and earn rewards. Feel free to check out the available kit and sources of information online.
As a "neutral" third party, a professional counselor or therapist can serve as a safety point to help guide, contain, and consider feelings (anger/guilt/fear), examine causes and resiliency, and help work through conflicts if needed.
