Do You Have A Hurt-Free Zone In Your Marriage?
Posted on
Being in a relationship isn't always easy. In the beginning, you may float above the clouds together, but it's not unusual to experience stormy times and arguments further down the road. Conflict can be healthy and help you and your partner better understand and meet each other's needs. If disputes are not dealt with correctly, they can escalate into something more difficult to bounce back from or repair. Frustrations can arise from many things but taking it out only on your partner is unfair to them.
Examples of frustrating language are "You're always getting on my nerves" or "You never help me." Using always and never makes your partner feel like they are always hurting you and makes you think internally that your partner is the root cause of all your problems. Marital problems can be intense and painful, and hurts can go deep and last a long time.
What is a Hurt-Free Zone?
Making a hurt-free zone calls for a period of "relationship stabilization," where certain types of marriage-destroying communication and interactions are not allowed to continue and can have a powerful effect on relationships in just a few days. If trying to save a marriage, with or without a counselor, setting up your hurt-free zone is a critical step in the emotional repair process you must do as a couple. The most destructive communication pattern is criticism and defensiveness, leading to emotional shutdowns and "relationship contempt."
How to Create a Hurt-Free Zone in your Marriage
Rule #1: Use "I Feel Words.." rather than "You did this. Words"
"I feel" statements convey how the communicator feels and helps minimize defensiveness, hostility, and conflict. Using feeling statements helps people assert themselves. I-statements should state how the communicator feels, is connected to an issue, and offer possible solutions. Research suggests that I-messages improve communication, are used in therapy interventions by professionals, and minimize the risk of arguing and hostility.
Examples of "I Feel" Statements
Instead of saying, "You never let me say what I want to do." you say: "I feel frustrated when we talk about planning activities, and I don't get to say where I would like to go." It's best if both partners have input.
Rule #2: No Criticism or Name Calling is allowed.
Everyone hates Criticism. Couples often default to this behavior and feel licensed to do so because they know each other's flaws, lose patience and get annoyed with them. They may belittle, badger, and blame each other in ways they'd never do with friends, even though they know it's harmful. Criticism can have adverse effects because it makes the partner feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt.
Couples fear that if they agree to stop criticizing, they won't be able to have a conversation about agreements or broken promises. A better approach is appreciatively voicing a complaint which is less off putting. Criticism attacks a person's character. Our brains seem wired with a built-in negative bias. Our brains tend to place weight on the negative automatically. Using sarcasm in a romantic relationship can often be a subtle criticism and can adversely affect your partner.
Rule #3: Never Raise Your Voice.
Anger is a natural feeling; it is only harmful if channeled in unhealthy ways. Raising one's voice in an argument shows desperation and a loss of control. The couple can enter an emotional realm conducive to mental and physical violence. If you say what you mean firmly and mean what you speak with your spouse regularly, then that statement alone will be treated with the seriousness it deserves. An example would be simply saying, "I am angry," as a safer way to convey feelings. As mentioned, a man should never yell at his significant other. Most men are stronger than the women in their life, so ending a disagreement by introducing the specter of violence is cowardly, wrong, and very detrimental to the relationship's health.
Rule #4: Don't Make Assumptions-Ask.
To understand your spouse, accurately ask questions, clarify, and express what you want. Clear communication with others helps avoid misunderstandings and drama.
Rule #5: When Your Spouse Speaks to you-Actively listen.
Sometimes distractions cause you to stop listening because your mind prioritized something else or a phone was buzzing. Your nervous system is busy integrating an endless world of stimuli, and your conscious mind struggles to keep up. Everyone faces other thoughts or activities that can divert your attention quickly and unconsciously. Active listening shows caring. It's easy to take the human being you're talking to for granted. A way to redirect your focus is to help you stop half-listening and start actively listening. It is a practice of seeing the other person in a higher light as wise and intelligent, as if you were talking to the Queen. In this way, your partner will feel listened to and respected.
Conclusion
Marriage In A Box is a great resource that gives you access to the simple tools, techniques, and solutions professional marriage counselors use for typical relationship issues. Marriage coaching is also available on the site. You can set goals and earn rewards. Feel free to check out the available kit and sources of information online.
As a "neutral" third party, a professional counselor or therapist can serve as a safety point to help guide, contain, and consider feelings (anger/guilt/fear), examine causes and resiliency, and help work through conflicts if needed.
Learn more about our Couples Therapy Exercises Sign up for a free trial of the Marriage In A Box online tracking tool!