Are you bored with your marriage? Does your marriage feel stale? How in the world does that happen? After a few years of marriage, couples settle into a routine. If both spouses work, they put in long days at work, run an errand or two on the way home, make dinner together, and relax a little before bed. Once children come along, work, chores, kid’s activities, errands etc. seem to consume all energy and sex doesn’t happen much anymore. Before you know it, you are stuck in a passionless marriage.
When a couple loses their passion, they tend to replace it with something else. Criticism and fighting, lack of interest in each other, or becoming married roommates. If you don’t want your marriage to become another divorce statistic, you need to find a way to build emotional intimacy and closeness again. It’s time to fan the flames of passion in your marriage.
Partners that have been turning away from each other need to start turning back toward each other. Start taking an interest in what your partner is doing, what makes them happy, what they like to talk about, and what turns them on. Begin with a conversation. You need to address the elephant in the room.
“Honey, I love you and I believe you love me too. However, we don’t seem to cuddle or tease or have sex anymore and I want to understand how we can change that.”
You don’t lash out at your partner and start telling them what is wrong and what they need to do. That just pushes them further away. By reassuring your partner of your love and desire for them, you are drawing them into the conversation and asking for their help in solving the problem.
Reignite the Spark
Remember when you were dating and couldn’t wait to be alone so you could start holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, and you can take it from there. Try to recreate that sexual attraction. Take every opportunity to touch, hold hands, hug, and cuddle. Use those little signals that used to drive ho or her wild link a sexy wink, or a wry smile, lock eyes, linger in the kitchen over doing the dishes and lock fingers in the soapy water. Playful physical affection often reignites the spark.
Get Your Sexy On
When was the last time you flirted with him or her? Well start it up again! Everyone wants to feel like they are desirable to their partner. Find a flirty, sexy song on YouTube and email him or her the link. Write a little naught note and stick it in his wallet or her purse. Give your partner a long, lingering kiss goodbye for work in the morning. Sweep your spouse up in your arms when you get home from work at night.
Carve out time to spend ALONE with your partner
Get up a little early in the morning and meet in the shower for a soapy interlude. Meet for an intimate lunch. Put the kids to bed early, turn off the TV and put on some soft music to cuddle to with a glass of wine. Hire a babysitter or take the kids to Grandma’s and go enjoy a night out together. The important thing is to make time for each other to talk, share your hopes and dreams, romance your partner, and focus on US.
Revisit Your Sexual Relationship
Initiate affectionate touching such as a backrub, then a massage. Ask your partner what they like during foreplay and take your time building the tension and anticipation. Let yourself be vulnerable and encourage your partner to do the same by sharing your desires and fantasies.
Keep the Passion and Intimacy Alive
Never stop planning time for each other and time for intimate sex. Take every opportunity you can to take turns initiating sex. Experiment with ways to bring each other pleasure and get to know each other on a more intimate level. The greater your emotional intimacy is, the deeper your marital bond will be.
It is difficult to say exactly how many of the 113 million married Americans are too exhausted or too grumpy to get it on, but some psychologists estimate that 15 to 20 percent of couples have sex no more than 10 times a year, which is how the experts define sexless marriage. (Newsweek)
In an American society where sex is in every TV show, movie, novel, magazine, social media, and discussion, it is hard to believe that more couples are not having sex on a regular basis. Is the reason a lack of desire? Lack of time?
Lack of time. Compared to past generations, modern married couples lead more hectic lives. In many marriages, both spouses work full time, share the demands of raising children, and spend more time in physical activity and social commitments. If you value something highly enough, you will make time for it. Skip the gym one night or morning or beg off on a social engagement and spend it with your spouse instead.
Lack of desire. Sex is a human need. It is a desire that must be filled. Sex is necessary to a healthy marriage relationship. Sex helps couples connect physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When one partner is unhappy with your sex life, they may feel minimized or ignored. Unhappiness can turn to anger or distance. When enough anger and alienation has built up, your marriage is headed for infidelity or divorce.
How to pump up your sexual desire
If your sexual relationship is not satisfying for both of you, you need to address it and soon. A low sex drive is not uncommon. Millions of men and women suffer from a lack of desire. A lack of desire does not mean a lack of love. It simply means that it takes a lot of patience, romance, and foreplay to get in the mood for sex. Sex is not something that can conjured up instantaneously or that can be rushed.
Talk about it. If one of you is avoiding having sex because of some unresolved difference or something lacking in your lovemaking, you need to talk about it with your partner. Talking about sex is difficult for most people, however, no resolution will come from keep it a secret. You need to learn to ask for what you want.
Flirt a little with your spouse each day. Remember when you were dating and stole little kisses or whispered in each other’s ear. Out in public, you slipped you hand in his and leaned in a little closer. Across the table at lunch, you caught each other’s eye and stopped to enjoy that lingering gaze. That flirty romance may be exactly what you need.
Create the mood. Dress a little sexy. Share a glass of wine together. Tease each other with tender strokes on the neck and down the back. Let your partner know that you are willing to have sex by not saying a word. Even if you are not yet feeling the desire, go with it and let yourself give in to the sex.
A healthy sex life take work and requires time. If you and your partner devote time and energy to building a healthy sex life, you won’t be disappointed.
Satisfaction and a sense of “US” is contingent upon the respect that spouses have and show toward one another. It is an essential part of the foundation of a healthy marriage. Respect is a recognition that each partner is an individual and has the free will to make independent decisions about what they think, say, and do.
In marriage, respect is the give and take, the willingness to talk things out and listen to each other born out of loving consideration and patience. When both partners feel accepted and respected, they have a more intimate connection to one another.
How Respect Can Break Down in a Marriage
If you or your partner is stressed with your own issues, you may become irritable and negative, and vent your frustrations on your spouse. The venting can easily erode into partners becoming increasingly negative and disrespectful to each other. An inability to resolve or manage conflicts or differences can lead to anger and frustration, which can start the same cycle of negative interactions and result in the loss of respect.
When respect breaks down in the marriage, one partner exerts their dominance of the other with selfish demands and decision making. The result is:
- Poor Communication
- Reduced intimacy and Rejection
- Reduced desire for sex or lovemaking with their spouse.
Once respect has broken down in the marriage How can you get it back?
Eliminate the Negative and Rebuild the Positive.
When couples lack Mutuality, Reciprocity, Accommodation, and Acceptance, there is a power imbalance, a dominant and a submissive spouse, which creates a lack of respect.
- Mutuality. Everything you do as a couple needs to be good for both of you. You need to use collaboration and cooperation in your relationship to make decisions. Consider how your decisions will affect or benefit each other.
- Reciprocity. There are two of you in this marriage so there must be a give and take on both of your parts. Support your partner by pitching in when you know they are having a particularly stressful time. Sacrifice some of your activities to do something with the whole family.
- Accommodation. Let each other know what your expectations are and do your best to adjust to each other. Be more sensitive to each other’s feelings.
- Accept that you married a less than a perfect partner and you are also a less than perfect spouse. Focus on building each other up, not tearing each other down.
The key idea is for each spouse to work on changing their own behavior. Do not police or correct your spouse’s behavior. Follow the Golden Rule: Treat each other how you want to be treated.
Avoid treating each other in rude and disrespectful ways:
- Don’t engage in name calling
- Do not insult or demean your spouse
- Do not ignore or avoid our spouse
- Do not speak to each other sarcastically
Treat each other as a cherished partner:
- Speak thoughtfully and with care.
- Listen to what your partner has to say and view their opinions as worthy of consideration.
- Consult with your spouse before making decisions that affect you both.
- Take an active interest in your spouse’s life
- Negotiate and Compromise with your spouse
Couples who can establish and maintain respect enjoy high degrees of trust, security, and a sense of unity. They are less anxious, more able to express their own wants and needs, and they are more able to resolve differences in a mutually acceptable fashion.
It was only about a hundred years ago that people married for a specific purpose such as to fulfill a financial arrangement, political alliance, social expectation or to procreate. I was not about emotion. However, in this century, marriage is based on passion, happiness, and fulfillment. Despite the change, many married couples are currently living sexually unfulfilling lives, In a recent survey conducted regarding couple’s sex lives, 46% of the couples surveyed stated that their sex life had flatlined.
Many modern couples see their sex life crowded out by the relentless demands of children, work pressures, not enough time alone -- and just not enough time. Allowing your physical relationship to fall to the bottom of a frantic "to-do list," experts say, can lead to dissatisfaction, loneliness, separation, and even divorce.
Sex is a powerful tie that binds and a pleasurable act for both partners. It should be an intimate connection to your partner that makes you feel alive and valued. It defines their relationship physically, emotionally and spiritually.
What can you do to get that spark back?
Focus your communication on what you want in bed
Many couples find it difficult to talk to each other about sensitive topics, so years go by with both of them skirting around issues until something breaks and the bitterness spills out.
Communicate well with your partner is essential. Think about what has aroused you in the past or about the things you wish your husband would do when the two of you are under the covers. Do you hear yourself thinking, "I wish he'd touch my neck or breasts?" If so, fill him in the next time you are getting snuggly. Don’t be too embarrassed to speak up about what you don’t like. Faking it encourages your partner to keep doing it wrong and cheats you out of being satisfied. Try saying “ I like it when you gently massage and kiss my breasts instead of squeezing them.”
- Sit and talk through your feelings about sex to prevent him/her from feeling rejected or hurt and to gain support.
- Have conversations that discuss what each partner would like from their sex life.
- What one thing, if it were eliminated from your sex life, would improve your sex life?.
Reinstate Daily Touching
Remember when, early in your relationship, just brushing your partner’s hand could send an electrifying spark through you. As the years go by, physical contact can become less and less or more routine. Make it a point to sneak up and hug your partner, hold hands while watching TV, rub your partner’s shoulders after a hard day, etc. Kiss your partner before heading out the door for the day.
As you starting reaching out to each other more, the connection will re-establish, and you will feel more loved and more inclined toward intimacy.
Create the right setting
An excellent sexual approach made appropriately and in a healthy environment has the best prospect of succeeding. Spruce up your room and reduce the clutter so you are not distracted and can focus on other things. Try dressing a little sexy. Put scented or perfumed candles in the room as your sense of smell plays an important part when it comes to sexual arousal. A warm bedroom -- with soft lights, if possible and low music -- makes for a good and healthy sexual environment.
Try something new
Rather than doing the same old things between the sheets, try something a little different and unique. Try new sexual positions or merely change the order of your routine. If you find that you are always too tired for sex before going to sleep, start having sex in the morning.
More foreplay during sex will stimulate orgasms.
Either in a warm bath, using soap or oil, or in a warm bed using lotion to make your hands glide smoothly, massage each others' bodies all over.
People have different attitudes towards sex toys and games, but most are sure to find a few sex aids with which they are comfortable. Aphrodisiacs -- asparagus, oysters, champagne, and chocolates -- may help get you in the mood.
In serious long term relationship, sexual intimacy thrives on the overall connection of the couple. So get busy addressing the issues that are damaging your connection and consciously build positive experiences with each other, and you will boost your sex drive.