Written by Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, the Marriage in a Box blog shares insights into common relationship struggles, gives ideas for moving beyond the roadblocks, and helps you find your path to happiness – both individually and within your relationship.
No matter how long you have been married, it can be easy to take your spouse and family for granted. The busyness of life-work, children, school, social obligations etc. – can cause you to overlook the little kindnesses and efforts that your spouse and children make and result in them feeling unappreciated by you and taken for granted.
Most happy marriages and family relationships are built on a foundation of mutual appreciation. Building a culture of appreciation involves using the things you know about your partner and your children to show that you care about them and want them to be happy. Here are 3 great ways to show your appreciation.
Connect regularly with your spouse and family.
Many marriages and families fall apart because couples drift away from each other and become absorbed in their own interests. They don’t make an effort to connect with and do things together. Making an effort to be interested in what your spouse and your children are interested in is a way of showing your appreciation for them. Perhaps one spouse likes to exercise and stay in shape. Rather than go to the gym by themselves, they may want to invite their spouse to go to the gym too or take the family out for a family walk or outdoor game of softball at a nearby park. This inclusiveness is a way of saying “You are important to me and I appreciate you enough to want to spend time with you.”
Express affection openly and frequently.
Couples can easily drift apart when they neglect to express their affection for each other. Showing your affection openly does not require large lavish gifts or vacations. Simple exchanges of affection and appreciation go a long way toward reminding your spouse that you love them. Bring your wife a cup of coffee when she wakes up. When your spouse has had a stressful day, take their hand or hug them and tell them how proud you are of what they do. Simple little gestures and words can make your spouse feel appreciated and loved. The same is true for the rest of the family. Celebrating a special accomplishment with a favorite dessert or giving affectionate hugs periodically lets your children know how important they are to you.
Look for positives even in when your expectations aren’t met.
Rather than criticizing and complaining when your partner goofs up and does not do something according to your expectations, thank them for their effort and time. Maybe your spouse forgets to get an item from a long list at the store or does not do the best job with a home repair project. Thank them for the time they put into it and the effort they made. The same is true for your children. Provide them gentle guidance on how to complete the task but don’t criticize if it does not get done perfectly. It is important for them to know that your love is not conditional of their performance; so let them know that you appreciate their time and efforts.
When you build appreciation into your marriage and family relationship, other people notice it because your relationship is happy. It has a beneficial effect on the rest of the family as well. It is important for your children to see you take time to tell your partner how much you appreciate what they do and mean to you. It models a healthy, loving relationship behavior.
When kids come along, there are more issues to fight about and more day-to-day stress to complicate them. That can put a strain on even the healthiest of marriages. It’s not about who is right and who is wrong. If disagreements are frequent and they escalate regularly, it can harm our marriage and ultimately your children. It's the intensity of the disagreement and how you deal with it that matters. Here are some healthy ways to handle parenting disagreements.
Don’t Criticize Your Spouse’s Parenting Methods
In many families, a majority of the parenting responsibilities fall to the mothers. Mothers must make a conscious effort to include their mates more in the day-to-day responsibilities of parenting and try to resist the impulse to criticize the way they do things. There is more than one way to go about getting a child to eat at the table or pick up their toys etc. You can make gentle suggestions on how to handle things to your spouse if they look like they need help but resist the urge to criticize their efforts. It takes both parents involvement to raise healthy children.
Take Time Out to Cool Off
Parents aren't always going to see things the same way. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree. If you are having a heated argument about a parenting issue, you may have to stop and agree that you aren’t coming to any resolution on the issue and agree to take a time out to cool off and continue the conversation at a later time. Letting the argument escalate while the kids are watching and listening is not healthy for you or the children. Don’t just leave the issue unresolved however. Plan a time when you both can sit down out of earshot of the kids to discuss the issue.
Always Apologize
Try as you might to remain calm, some parenting issues such as discipline can trigger some hot buttons and one or both of you will end up saying things that are hurtful or escalating the argument into a yelling match. When you do have an argument that gets out of control in front of the kids, make sure you apologize to each other. You both need to reconcile your argument so the anger does not fester and the children need to see that arguments can end happily if you apologize for your behavior.
Parenting is one of the greatest joys in a marriage and can create deep, intimate bonds, but it can also be stressful. Employing healthy methods to handle parenting disagreements will bring harmony to your marriage and family.
Most couples fight about money, it’s kind of unavoidable. You both have different spending habits and attitudes toward money. One partner may be frugal while the other could be more of a spender. At times, one or both partners may be reckless when it comes to spending and, before you know it, a sizeable amount of debt has been accumulated. Debt affects your financial well-being and your ability to reach goals in your life together. Unless you can get a handle on it, debt can ruin a marriage. Here are tips on getting out of debt as a couple.
Talk It Out Together
When it comes to talks about your financial situation, you need to be 100 percent upfront and honest. You may even have trouble being honest with yourself. But you can’t start moving toward a better future together until you know exactly where you stand, so tackle it together.
As hard as it may sound, you’ll need to lay everything out on the table. Each person should share information about all their debt—whether it’s from credit cards, student loans, medical expenses, or loans from family. This includes what debt you have, the amounts and interest rates, and the repayment plan. It’s also important to express any concerns you have.
Order your credit reports from each of the three major credit bureaus. You can order one for free at AnnualCreditReport.com. You’ll emerge with a clearer understanding of what the true state of your finances are and can plot a path forward.
Develop A Plan to Pay It Off Together
If you do decide to tackle the debt together, will you be paying it off jointly, or will each partner be responsible for paying half? Develop a course of action, and figure out a timeline as to when you want to achieve this by. Just make sure that your plan is realistic financially and that you are both on the same page with the plan. You don’t want one partner feeling like they’re the one making all the concessions and compromises on behalf of the other. It’s a joint venture with a shared goal and a mutually beneficial outcome.
Your partner’s debt doesn’t mean you have to turn and run in the other direction. Although talking about money can be a tricky thing to navigate, it’s essential to a healthy long-term relationship. Openly communicating and coming up with a plan to tackle the debt can help you and your partner be more confident about tackling the debt and ultimately building a better life together.
A marriage is a joining of two lives and most couples welcome the merging of their households, dreams and lives---except when it comes to finances. Shared finances can be a scary endeavor for many couples because it reveals a lot about who you are and can be an emotional subject. If you and your spouse are going to be able to build a life together though, you need to do what it takes to merge your finances so you can take care of your day-to-day needs and plan for your future together. One of the best ways to do this is with a shared budget.
A budget isn’t just a joint bank account ledger or worksheet. It provides a springboard for getting to know each other better, planning your future together and can actually improve your relationship. Here are 5 ways a budget can improve your marriage.
A Budget...
Is a communication tool to strengthen your marriage. A budget is more than just numbers – it allows each of you to understand why you have the habits, feelings, and thoughts you have about money and get a handle on it together. If you have different money goals or ideas of how to create a budget plan, keep talking about it. It will get easier to talk about and come to agreement on if you have open, honest, and frequent conversations about your finances.
Allows both of you to figure out what it takes to run your household and live within your means. A budget necessitates that you put down all of the expenditures you make-even the small ones that you are most likely to forget. Once you know what you are spending, it is easy to talk about what are essential expenditures that need to be made each month and what frivolous expenditures you can cut back on. This way there are no surprises and thus, fewer fights about money.
Gets those money skeletons out of the closet. It’s not easy to admit having student loan or credit card debt, or not having a savings account. However, these are just temporary circumstances. Opening your finances up as budget items to discuss provides an opportunity for you to collaborate together on a plan to deal with those skeletons. Two heads are better than one.
Frees up spare cash so you can spend it on things you really want. Once a budget has been established and you have been working the budget for a while, you should both be able to see an improvement in your financial health. More than likely you will see more cash that you can now delegate for things you both really want like that special vacation or a remodeling project etc.
Lets you focus on common saving and investment goals. Every couple needs to put away money for the their future together. What that future will look like depends a lot of your discussion and agreement about what you really want from life and how much it will take to get there. It takes years for a couple to save up monies for big purchases like a home or car, put away monies for children’s education and retirement. Budgeting can help build in regular amounts for savings and investments for your future.
Most couples avoid talking about finances because those conversations often end in big arguments. Keeping the peace often overrules financial decisions so most husbands and wives are not on the same page when it comes to their views on spending, saving, investing etc.
When you get married you lose your right to run off and do your own thing. You’re not independent anymore. No where is that reality reflected more than in how you spend your money. Most financial differences are due to a failure to effectively communicate our needs, fears, and complaints and instead let them accumulate over time. You need to learn to talk openly and calmly about your money issues. It is not very likely that your financial situation will change or that you and your spouse will get on the same financial page without some type of agreement or compromise.
Many people just pay their bills each month and make purchases, as they see fit never really knowing where all the money goes. When a coupe agrees to sit down and make a budget together it can shed a lot of light on where each of you actually spends your money (your priorities) and how much is actually left over to put aside toward your goals (your hopes and dreams). By setting a budget together you are taking responsibility for your spending and deciding together what your common priorities and goals as a couple are. That builds a strong bond in the marriage.
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Practice the art of compromise
Often times, it is not the actual amount that one spouse spends on an item but rather what the item was. Our spending and saving habits are influenced by the way we were raised and our past experiences. Many women are raised to invest in clothing and beauty products to enhance their attractiveness, while males are often raised to spend their extra money on sporting activities or cars.
A wife’s purchase of a $120 designer outfit may appear outrageous to her spouse, while $200 for center court basketball tickets could appear foolish to his spouse. What is usually missing is communicating in advance about our purchase desires and learning to compromise.
Some couples implement a purchase threshold where purchases beyond a certain dollar amount require discussion and agreement of both spouses before the purchase is made. That way each spouse gets to weigh in on whether the purchase is in the budget or not and if it will only benefit one spouse, the other spouse should receive something else in return.
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Discuss your financial goals
Every couple should pend time talking about your dreams and goals for the future. Don’t just talk about what you would love to have or do for yourself, but also what you would love to have or do together. Perhaps you want to save up a down payment for a house or a car, put money aside for your child to go to college and don’t forget about retirement. Once you do discuss your financial goals, you’ll realize that those dreams aren’t going to happen unless a change is made in your spending habits. That change has to be made together.
Working together on your finances is never easy but it can be rewarding and keep you from making some serious financial missteps If you work on it together.
Research studies show that 41% of marriages have been affected by either a physical or emotional affair. Some marriages do end up in divorce but many marriages can overcome and survive an affair.
Most people don’t really go out looking for an affair. It just sort of happens. It could be a co-worker or a friend of the opposite sex that a spouse turns to during a bad patch in his or her own marriage. This new relationship can become so exhilarating that he/she doesn’t seem to be able to stop. They start sneaking off to be together and sharing things together that they don’t share with their spouse or that they used to share with their spouse.
Marriages often become so overwhelmed with kids, career, and household responsibilities that the couple loses that feeling of being in love that they felt before they married. The affair sparks that “being in love” feeling and the adoration that they used to feel from their own marriage partner before the marriage became routine or difficult. Eventually though, something happens that causes the affair to come to light.
The key to a marriage surviving an affair lies in the couples’ good marital history and both spouses willingness to try to make it work. If you marriage is going to survive, both of you must feel that the marriage is worth saving and that there is still some love left. Often times the spouse that cheated will admit that he/she still loves their spouse. The spouse that was not involved in the affair will likely have a difficult time dealing with the feeling of betrayal and loss of trust. It will take time and work to rebuild the trust and respect that a marriage relationship requires.
In order for your marriage to survive an infidelity, it will require forgiveness, rebuilding trust and respect and love. That is a lot of rebuilding, which will not come easily or immediately. Rebuilding means regaining trust. The partner that cheated must show that they clearly understand that they have betrayed their partner’s trust and hurt them deeply and they are willing to change and work to earn back their trust. The partner that has been betrayed will need a lot of proof that the partner that committed the infidelity is reliable and safe to love again before they will be able to trust them.
The affair has to end. There is no way to continue to see or be around the person that you had an affair with and restore your marriage. Cut off the relationship completely. You must take full responsibility for your actions and choices.
Don’t try to do this alone. Find friends, a support group or a counselor that can come alongside of you and that you can open up to and share your feelings with. You need a safe haven to work through your feelings with and that is not your spouse.
Stop recycling the problem. The affair happened. Continuously rehashing the affair will only escalate the hurt and pain and not move you toward a resolution. While neither of you will forget the affair, you don’t need to drag it into the present at every opportunity.
Forgive your partner. Forgiveness does not mean condoning your partner’s infidelity. It means you are not holding it against your partner and holding it over their heads as ammunition for the rest of your relationship. The partner that committed the infidelity must work hard to rebuild that bond of trust that has been broken. Do not lie, hide anything but be completely open and honest with your partner.
Set and respect Boundaries. For both partners, this will be a long healing journey.
Give your partner time and space to vent their feelings. You have deeply wounded your partner, so it is natural that they react with pain and rage. While they work through that, you need to continue to apologize and be compassionate and understanding with your spouse. Provide them with affection, attention and appreciation every day. In short, love them through the healing process.
Be Dependable and keep your promise. Call when you say you will call. Be home when you say you will be home. Do what you say you are gong to do. NO lies. No excuses. No exceptions.
An affair does not have to be the end of your marriage. Your marriage can survive, the trust can be rebuilt and your bond of love may even grow to be stronger than ever.
Trust is essential to a healthy, loving marriage. We tend to trust people who are caring toward us, who have integrity, and whose actions correspond to their words. We trust someone we can count on to consistently do what is “right.” In an intimate relationship, we trust our partner if he or she is predictable, reliable, honest and lives with integrity, according to our values and beliefs.
Trust is built and maintained by many conversations and small actions over time. If trust is not firmly established between you and your partner, fear can take over, judgment can become clouded and doubt and suspicion may grow.
There may be several reasons why you and/or your partner have developed trust issues:
When two people enter a relationship, they bring with them all of their past experiences and preconceived notions. Someone who has experienced loss or betrayal in a previous relationship-whether that be romantic, family or friendship-may have a difficult time trusting. They can either be reluctant to open up to their partner or become clingy and controlling due their fear of losing heir partner.
Maria’s father left her mother when she was 10 years old. When she married, she began to ask her husband all about his day, his friends and things he did. At first, he thought it was sweet that she was so interested in his day-to-day life. Over time, however, Sandra’s curiosity turned into incessant questioning about every aspect of his day. She started calling and texting frequently and, when she could not get a hold of him, he faced accusations when he came home.
One partner can become insecure if the other is not very open about their whereabouts, their friends, their job, their family etc. Some people may have their own insecurities about their relationships and career. Still others may feel uncomfortable sharing certain details with their spouse because they know their spouse won’t approve.
Jamaal grew up in poverty and most of his family still lives in welfare housing. Jamaal was smart and worked hard to make a better life for himself and won a scholarship which allowed him to go to college and get a good job. He felt so fortunate when he and Sandra fell in love and got married. While Sandra had met his family and some of his friends, she did not feel comfortable around them. Whenever, Jamaal got together with those friends or family, he did not share those details with Sandra because he felt she would not approve.
How do Couples Resolve their Trust Issues?
- Open the Channels of Communication- Don’t hide your feelings. Let your spouse know how you feel about their controlling or evasive behavior and reassure them that you love them and want to build a life with them.
- Talk about your daily lives on a regular basis. Constant communication creates a connection, builds intimacy and lets your partner know that you care about them.
- Share your secrets with your spouse. Sharing brings couples closer together and creates a strong bond.
- Make it a point to include your spouse in activities with friends and family so that they have an opportunity to get to know them anddon’t feel shut out..
The best way to build trust is open, honest Communication and inclusion o all areas of your life.
We all have strengths and weaknesses. But one weakness you cannot afford in a marriage relationship is dishonesty. Dishonesty can take many forms such as lying about something you did, keeping something hidden that you should have brought to your spouse’s attention or even just not providing all the details of an event. People can be dishonest about small things “little white lies” or about big things “outright deception”. Even in the little things, dishonesty will undermine your marriage.
A lie has a life of its own. It starts by telling a lie to your partner about something small like a purchase you should not have made or an incident at work that was your fault. You may have been unable to admit what you did and wanted to avoid a confrontation with your spouse. Once the lie is out there, you can’t take it back so if your partner questions you about it, you now need to build another lie around the first lie to cover your tracks. Now it has snowballed into something bigger.
Example: You spent $175 on a pair of top of the line running shoes. When your partner asked you about the new running shoes, you told her they were on sale and you could not pass them up. Eventually the credit card bill is going to show up and she might see the purchase and realize that you lied about the shoes. Then what?
The realization that you have been dishonest with your partner is a painful violation of your marriage. Dishonesty covers a whole gamut of indiscretions from a lie about financial issues or work issues to bigger things like cheating or substance abuse problems. While you might tell yourself that it is OK to lie to your spouse because you are sparing their feelings by hiding what you did, eventually the truth will come out. When the truth is revealed, not only will your spouse have to deal with what you did but, also the pain of knowing that you hid it from her through lies. Two problems instead of one making your dishonesty a difficult pill to swallow that may take a long time to forgive. In the case of dishonesty about big things like an affair, it may be impossible to overcome.
Once the trust in a marriage has been broken, it is difficult to repair. Trust is a fragile thing. It is part of the glue that holds a marriage together. A marriage is supposed to be a safe partnership where you can honestly and openly share your hopes, dreams and secrets with your spouse and rely on them to keep them and you safe from harm. Once your partner finds out that you have been dishonest with her-she now realizes that the person she trusted is the very person who has harmed her. That is a painful betrayal. She will not be so likely to believe what you tell her after that. It is very likely that she will start to question what other things you have been dishonest about with her.
If you have been dishonest with your spouse, the best course of action is to put all of your cards on the table and tell her what you did and why you lied about it. Be completely honest and don’t leave out any details. Chances are, if it is something other than having an affair, you and your spouse can work through it and get back to telling the truth and rebuild your marriage on a healthier foundation of honesty.
