parenting
We adore our children and feel such a sense of responsibility to them that we tend to make them the top priority all the time. As children grow, they understand our nature and often reinforce this by being “squeaky wheels,” demanding our attention. The challenge of parenting is providing structure and love for your children while at the same time carving out time for your marriage. Establishing boundaries can help.
Boundaries help define the line between parenting and time as a couple.
Some couples unconsciously let their children become the central focus of the household to such an extent that the boundaries between parent, spouse and child become blurred.
Helicopter parents do for their children what they can and should do for themselves.
When you become nervous about your child’s success or ability to handle things in school, with friends, in sports, etc. it’s natural to want to jump in and take control instead of letting your child work things out for themselves. We naturally want to make things better for our kids and “fix things.” However, when you don’t let your child work through obstacles on their own, you’re denying them the opportunity to learn how to fight their own battles.
Your job as a parent is to guide, coach, and teach your children. When you begin to do everything for your children, you’ve crossed the parent boundary.
Overindulgent parents give up their parental authority and allow their child to take control of the household.
Parents who strive to be their child’s friend have difficult putting their foot down and saying No to their children. They tend to have few rules, no consequences or punishments for poor behavior. Some substitute things for time with their children. Every parent wants their child’s love but indulging their every whim creates the opposite effect. Children crave and need structure via rules, a set schedule, and consequences for disobeying. The absence of rules and structure is neglect.
Your role as a parent is to be firm but loving to your children. Kids need boundaries. Without them they lose their way. They need clear rules and consistent consequences. But they need them to be delivered with love, understanding and kindness. Talking about the reasons for rules and consequences helps kids understand why they need to follow rules.
How to establish boundaries so you and your spouse parent responsibly but have time for yourselves.
Define your boundaries.
You need to establish physical and time boundaries that establish privacy.
- Your bedroom is a kid-free zone, free from kid clutter and designed for romance and couple time.
- If your bedroom door is shut, children need to knock on the door and wait for permission to enter.
- If you and your spouse are engaged in conversation, children should say, “excuse me” and wait politely for a chance to enter the conversation.
- No means No.
Make your expectations known to your children.
You and your spouse should make a list of what you can and can’t live with. What matters most to you? If respect is high on your list, you may want to implement a consequence for talking back to you or addressing you rudely. If responsibility is important to you than you may want to assign weekly chores and consequences for not doing them.
Praise their successes and follow up on their failures.
When your kids have a great week, make sure you let them know it. When one of your kids crosses a boundary or breaks a rule, follow up with the consequence.
Establishing boundaries with your children will make your household a more peaceful environment and provide clear time for you
After months of sheltering in place, couples and families need a break from the stress and strain of working and living under COVID-19. It is mid-summer and families everywhere are weighing the risks of taking a family vacation during COViD-19. Crowded beaches are not a wise choice, and traveling by air, especially internationally, has serious restrictions in place.
There are a few types of vacations that offer a safer, more isolated environment and a better chance of avoiding coming in contact with the coronavirus.
- Rent a house in an isolated beach or wooded area.
Renting a whole house via platforms like Airbnb and VRBO means you won't be encountering other guests or staff during your stay as you might in a hotel.
Safety tip: Even if the home appears to be clean, wiping down any "high touch" areas with a disinfectant is a good idea. This includes things like counters, light switches, and doorknobs.
If you venture out in public, continue to wear masks and maintain social distancing.
- Plan a camping road trip.
If you need to get out of town, a road trip is a great way to see the sites from the safety of your vehicle. Choose well-known campgrounds that have re-opened and have thoroughly sanitized facilities.
Safety tips:
When you need to make rest stops, choose larger, well known chains or state-run facilities whenever possible, "which have adopted aggressive cleaning and sanitization protocols.”
Wear gloves to pump gas or use the rest room facilities and discard them before getting back in the car.
- Rent an RV or camper
Rent an RV or camper, which combines the self-contained lodging of a vacation rental with the sightseeing possibilities of a road trip.
Safety tips: Inspect the RV or camper thoroughly and wipe down all surfaces with a disinfectant wipe. Use your own linens on bed areas.
- Take a virtual vacation
If you live in an area with a stay-at-home order in place, or you're just hesitant to be out and about right now, take a getaway from the privacy of your home. World famous sites from London's Tower Bridge to Egypt's pyramids are offering free virtual tours online. Museums, zoos and aquariums are providing virtual guided tours or streaming animal cams.
After months of social distancing for COVID-19, families are still spending less time with others as the pandemic continues. Summer plans like group picnics, family reunions, festivals, long vacations can leave the family feeling disconnected to the world and disappointed. With friends and social outings limited, parents and children can react to stress with bad moods, poor behavior, and bad habits.
Here are three ways to brighten the mood and keep your family happy.
- Maintain a daily routine.
It is important to maintain bedtime, bath time, and other routines. Routines create a sense of order to the day that offers reassurance in a very uncertain time.
With the usual routines thrown off due to COVID -19, create new daily schedules. Older children and teens can help create schedules, but they should follow a logical order, such as:
- Wake-up, get dressed, eat breakfast, and some active play in the morning, followed by quiet play and snack to transition into schoolwork or an activity.
- Lunch, chores, exercise, online social time with friends, and homework in the afternoon.
- Family time & reading before bed.
- Deal with poor behavior positively.
Everyone in the family is more likely to be anxious and worried during the pandemic. Young children may not have the words to describe their feelings. Older children and teens may be irritable as they miss out on time with friends and special events have been canceled. They are more likely to act out their stress, anxiety, or fear through their behavior. Bad behavior puts stress on the parents and other siblings.
Reinforce good behaviors and discourage bad behavior. Pay attention to good behavior and point it out, praising success and good tries. Redirect bad behavior by finding something else for children or teens to do or removing them for the situation for a while.
- Get out of the house.
Just because we are social distancing, doesn’t mean you can’t go outdoors. Sunshine, fresh air, and exercise can brighten everyone’s mood. Try to spend at least an hour outdoors each day. Play outdoor games, do some outdoor yoga, go for a walk, set up the sprinkler or wading pool, or have a family barbecue.
With a little pro-active planning and positive attitudes, you, your spouse, and your family will manage just fine during COVID-19.
All too often, we assume that our spouse know that we are thankful for him or her and all the things that he or she does for us. Unfortunately, your spouse may not really know how grateful you are for them. Couples who show higher levels of gratitude for their spouse are less likely to seek a divorce. Believing that your partner values you has a big impact on how you feel about your marriage.
Studies show that there is not one key thing that makes a successful marriage. However, two little words can go a long way to actually strengthen your marriage and make your spouse feel valued.
Here are 5 ways to say “thank you” to your spouse.
- Do an errand or chore for them.
We all have chores or errands we don’t like to do. Do something for your spouse that you know they do not like to do. Clean the bathroom, take the car to get it serviced, and weed the flowerbeds.
- Give your spouse “gratitude gifts”.
Saying thank you is appreciated but showing your gratitude with a small little gift occasionally speaks volumes. It is not necessary to go all out with a big, expensive gift. Small gifts like a “thank you” note in his or her briefcase or lunch, or an intimate “thank you” dinner are enough.
- Leave little “Thank you for being you” notes.
Don’t just thank your spouse for what they do for you. Thank them for who they are to you. Leave a little note on their pillow or dresser or next to their dinner or breakfast plate thanking them for bringing joy to your life or always being there for you.
- Set aside time to listen.
We often get so busy crossing off our to do list that we don’t remember to just spend time with our partner listening to how their day went or a story they tell. Make it a point to make time to sit down and just listen to your spouse.
- Show them how you feel.
Sometimes a simple touch or act of intimacy can let your spouse know how much you mean to them. Pamper your spouse with a shoulder or foot massage. Spend time cuddling up on the couch in front of a warm fire. The small acts of touch enhance their well-being and let them know that you are grateful for them.
Many people have pets that they dote on. They spend endless hours feeding, grooming, praising, talking to, cleaning up after and enjoying the company of their pets. Do we treat our marriages like we would treat a treasured pet?
There are three things that cause trouble and can ultimately kill a marriage.
- Selfishness. It affects how we talk to each other, how we divide responsibilities in the home, how we resolve conflicts, and even how we spend our time.
- Lack of Forgiveness. Holding on to a past hurt, mistake, or slight becomes a weapon that you can drag out at any time and use to hold your partner hostage.
- Expectations. Within your mind you have a picture of how you or your partner should act as a husband or wife, father or mother. And chances are this image is so perfect, so idyllic, that it is completely unattainable.
Even if they’ve taken over your marriage, even if you have decided your marriage is lifeless, It’s never too late to make a decision to change.
How do we break those damaging marriage killers?
Start treating your marriage like a living, breathing pet you are responsible for keeping alive.
Feed Your Marriage. No matter how hard their day has been dog lovers always give their furry friends a warm hello, a belly rub, and maybe a walk around the block. Think what it would do for your relationship if you always gave your partner a hug and a kiss, and spent a half-hour together after work.
Forgive your partner. Dogs and cats occasionally pee in the house, steal your socks, chew up your favorite pair of shoes, or throw up on the carpet. We don’t withhold love or affection from them. We don’t continuously scold them for the one time they chewed up the slippers. We forgive them because we love them so much. So when your partner makes you mad, tell them calmly why you're upset and address the problem, then forgive them completely, move on and continue to give them your love and affection freely.
Groom Your Partner. Rather than viewing your partner with a critical mindset, groom them with praise. When your husband pitches in and helps with household chores, say “Thank You”. When your wife has had a hard day but cooks a delicious meal anyway, say, “Honey, this meal is delicious.”
Be kind to your partner. Research has shown that taking more loving actions actually makes you feel more in love and fosters a deeper level of intimacy. In any interaction with your partner, whether it’s personal or practical, try to be kind in how you express yourself. This softens your partner, even in heated moments.
Communicate with your partner. Don’t assume your partner knows what you are thinking or show should know when to do this or that. You need to talk to your partner and let them know what you need. If you do not like something they have done or you want them to do something, you need to talk to them about it.
Spend time with and enjoy your partner. Make time each day to spend with your partner. Plan dates and activities together. The more time you spend together doing things you enjoy and talking, the more intimately you will begin to know your partner.
It’s really easy to let your kids become the center of your family’s life. Too much focus on the kids can actually wear down a marriage. Happy parents make a home healthy and happy. Your marriage should be the center of your family. Make your relationship the anchor piece instead of the children being what it’s all about.
- Don’t get trapped in gender roles.
Mom doesn’t always have to pack the lunches for school. Dad doesn’t always have to walk the dog. Both of you can take turns or whoever is free can pack the lunches or walk the dog. Shared chores eliminate the stress of piling it all on one partner.
- Relinquish total control.
Sometimes Mom can control the parenting in the house. She sets the kids schedules, determines what they wear, what they eat, etc. Let your husband in on the parenting. Don’t worry about whether their clothes are perfect or that they always eat this or that for breakfast. Let dad make breakfast. Let Dad get the kids dressed too. You both made these children together so you should both parent then together. Shared parenting will bring you closer together.
- Do not assume.
Often one spouse will get angry with the other spouse for not automatically picking up the dirty clothes, sitting down and watching TV while the other does chores, etc. Your spouse may not know that you need help, so ASK. Would you mind cleaning up the dinner dishes while I pack the kids lunches? Don’t stew in silence doing all the work; that just builds resentment towards your spouse. Ask when you need help.
- Focus Less Attention on the Kids
Children are demanding. They want all of your time and attention. If you let them have all of the time and attention, there isn’t any left for your marriage. Set boundaries for your kids. “Please don’t interrupt when Mommy and Daddy are talking.” “ If you play on your own in your play area for 30 minutes, we can all go do something fun this afternoon.”
- Steal time from the Kids to Give to Your marriage.
After you have spent the day with the kids, and the evening with bath time, story time, bedtime, you are both ready for bed. Put the kids to bed early so you can spend some time together. Make arrangements with a neighbor that has kids to babysit for each other occasionally to get a night out. Take advantage of area daycares or churches that offer parent’s night outs and go have an intimate dinner together.
With all of the people, projects, tasks, chores, and roles to fill in our daily lives, things tend to naturally fall into their places on our lists unless we make conscious choices. Our choices reflect where our priorities lie. People are playing with fire when they put careers and kids first and don’t pay attention to their romantic partnerships.
Without a strong marriage and loving home, kids won’t thrive, so you’re doing them a disservice by putting your spouse on the back burner, which can lead to marital trouble and even divorce. Children’s needs shouldn’t be neglected, but devote time during the week to nourish your marriage relationship, too.
How can you make your marriage a priority?
- Make an Emotional Connection with your Spouse Daily
Send her a text telling her you can’t stop thinking about her. Let him know that your song came on the radio and you thought of him.
- Make Physical contact often.
Kiss, hug, hold hands, massage tired muscles etc. Physical touch is essential to keeping the romance alive.
- Seek Out Your Spouse’s Input.
Let your spouse know that you value his advice, opinion, and input on big and small decision and issues.
- Before you make plans, check-in with your spouse
You don’t need your spouse’s permission for what ever you do, but do them the courtesy of checking in to make sure there is not something else going on before you make plans.
- Pursue passion together.
Watch a football game together, tackle a DIY project, explore in nature, read books and hang out at a coffee shop, and more. Allow your passions to bring you closer, not apart.
- Always treat each other with courtesy, sensitivity, and respect.
When you treat each other the way you want to be treated, you each feel valued.
- Solve problems together.
Schedule a time for the two of you to sit down and talk about a problem. This is not a time to unload all of the baggage of the past, berate your partner etc. It is a time for you both to tackle ONE problem in a loving manner. Have an agenda, talk calmly, and make your point without attacking your spouse. Listen to their side or comments. Solve the problem.
- Communicate with your partner.
It is easy to fall into the routine communication pattern of “How was your day?”, “Here is what the kids did….”, “Things at the office…” Talk to each other like you did when you were dating. Voice your dreams, your joys, your fears, your frustrations, and your funny moments.
- Schedule time for intimacy.
Just like you schedule important things like doctor’s appointments, meetings, etc., you need to build in time for romance. Make a regular date night where you spend time together enjoying each other’s company. Be sure some of those date nights include sex.
- Plan an annual Get Away.
Every couple needs time away from the kids, their jobs, and their daily routines in order to re-connect. Build good memories, create a positive shared experience, and make each Get Away something you both look forward to.
When it comes to making life-changing decisions, parents feel immense pressure to get everything right. Major decisions like moving across the country can’t be taken lightly. Naturally, parents want to do all they can to ensure the decision to uproot their family or change the family dynamic will improve the lives of their children in addition to their own.
Sometimes, parents realize that a move across the country is necessary for their family’s financial status, health and well-being, or happiness. The challenges of orchestrating a large-scale move involve telling your kids about the move, finding the right school, and helping everyone settle into a new home and life. It’s enough to make any parents lose their minds, but our tips will help you keep your sanity.
- Keep Your Kids in the Loop
Kids of all ages deserve to know what is happening in their families, and keeping them in the loop while you plan to make a move is a must. By involving kids in discussions and helping them understand what to expect and when, you help them feel less scared and anxious about the changes that are about to happen to their lives.
Your kids may not be able to decide to move or not, but they can ask questions, share their concerns, and begin to accept the move when you involve them in discussions early in the process. Be clear and direct in your discussions with them, give them a timeline, and understand that they will need some time to process and accept the news that they are leaving their home, school, and friends.
The Art of Happy Moving shares some tips for telling your kids about a move across the country. They recommend telling them as soon as you can but waiting until you know specific details, so you don’t scare your kids with too much uncertainty. It’s also a good idea to plan where and how to tell your kids about moving; some families turn off the television and hold a distraction-free family meeting, while others tell their kids individually. The best approach is to explain why and when you are moving and then follow up with three reasons they should be excited about the move.
- Find the Right School for Your Kids Ahead of Time
Moving is a chaotic process, and the last thing you want to do is spend time visiting schools while you are packing and helping your children through the transition to a new area of the country. That’s why, as soon as you choose your destination, you should begin finding the right school for your children.
First, choose the type of school that best suits your child’s needs. It may be helpful to talk to his current teacher and get her recommendations; she may suggest a private school with smaller class sizes, a public school with a strong theater program, or a charter school with an emphasis on collaborative learning environments.
Then, research schools near your new home and make a list of those that best fit your child. Plan to visit the schools on your short list and to meet with teachers, principals, and counselors to learn more about their educational philosophy and teaching strategies. Finally, take your child to visit the new school before you move so he can see his classrooms, meet his teachers, and begin to meet new friends.
- Hire Help So You Can Focus on Your Family
One of the best ways to ensure a smooth move is to hire help. Professional moving companies have experience orchestrating moves and getting families across the country with all of their belongings in one piece. Moving companies also can save you time (and your sanity) by packing your furniture and appliances safely, loading your boxes, and driving your possessions across the country so you can spend more time focusing on your family and their needs.
Best of all, full-service moving companies will unload and unpack your items. By leaving the heavy lifting to the pros, you’ll have time to take your kids to visit local playgrounds and schools so they can start making new friends and getting acclimated to their new home more quickly.
You can move your family across the country and keep your sanity in tact if you keep your kids in the loop, find the right schools ahead of time, and hire help so you can focus on your family.
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