Fair Fighting Rules for Couples
Posted on by Destiny Girard, LMFT
If you’re in a relationship, it is inevitable that you will argue with your spouse at one point of time or another. Disagreements are bound to happen because you are two different individuals with different values, upbringings and opinions. In order to keep an argument from escalating unnecessarily, we at Marriage In A Box have compiled a list of rules to follow when fighting. These rules should be implemented by both partners in every disagreement that presents itself.
Own your own feelings and communicate these with your significant other using “I statements.”
Doing this helps to prevent blame from being placed accidentally on the other person and puts you in charge of your own emotions. Be open about your emotions and do not hold them in, as this will contribute to resentment and increased anger within your relationship.
Remember there is no “winner” in an argument.
Most individuals enter an argument with the idea that they are going to “win” and will do just about anything to prove to the other person that they are right. This mindset can create a barrier in listening to your significant other and make it harder to remain open-minded.
Take a Time Out.
If things are becoming heated between you and your partner, and both are too angry or upset to continue without following these rules, then you need to take a break. This is necessary in order to allow yourself to calm down, reflect on your thoughts and feelings and gain perspective on the situation. Experts recommend taking at least a 30 minute break, as this is the amount of time that most individuals need to be able to calm their body physically and return to a normal resting state. Prior to walking away from a situation, however, it is important that you inform your spouse that you are going to be taking a break. Tell them where you are going (even if you aren’t leaving the house) and what time you will be returning to talk things through. Walking away without telling your partner that you will be back can lead to feelings of abandonment and can begin to undermine the trust that you have built up in a relationship.
Do not insult, name call, use sarcasm, put down, play mind games, use contempt, blame or literally point fingers at your spouse.
These all distract from the true problem at hand and prove that you are not being honest and open about your true feelings. Examples of mind games include giving the silent treatment, “poor me”, “don’t touch me”, “yes, but…”, “if you loved me then…” and “you made me…”
Stick to the subject at hand.
When arguing, many couples tend to bring up issues from the past that they are still angry or upset about. It is important to keep the discussion limited to the subject at hand, so that it does not become too complicated or escalate even further. If there is something from the past that is still plaguing you, place it on the back burner and approach the topic when things are calm.
Give one another equal time to speak.
Both people need to feel heard and validated by their spouse. In order for this to happen, each spouse needs an equal amount of time to share their thoughts and feelings.
Don’t air your dirty laundry in public.
It is important to keep arguments contained within the relationship, as sharing the details of these fights with outsiders can violate trust and lead one or both of you feeling betrayed. Pulling other people into your arguments can also unfairly cloud the way that these other people view your spouse. It is also important not to bring other people up during an argument (i.e.: “your mother thinks that you…”) because the opinions of others are not as important as the opinions of you and your significant other.
Don’t interrupt your spouse when they are speaking.
Interruptions work against fighting fair and block communication. Interruptions can be verbal or physical in nature, for example: eye rolling, sighing, tapping fingers/feet, hand gestures and smirking.
Don’t use “always” or “never.”
These are broad generalizations and are rarely true. These immediately place the other person on the defensive.
Never threaten to leave the relationship.
While arguing, threatening to leave the relationship is manipulative and hurtful. It undermines the relationship and sends the message that you do not want to put the effort into resolving issues. Your spouse will be left feeling abandoned and can destroy trust and confidence in the relationship, making it difficult to bounce back from this.
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