Are Jealousy and Insecurity Disrupting Your Marriage?
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Healthy jealousy is part of a normal marriage. It’s human nature to be possessive about our loved ones. It is a desire to protect your relationship from outside forces that can destroy your marriage. Jealousy in marriage is a feeling of insecurity or fear that one’s partner is attracted to or interested in someone or something else. Jealousy can be normal and healthy if it motivates couples to appreciate and protect their relationship.
However, jealousy can also be unhealthy and harmful if it leads to controlling, accusing, or ignoring the partner.
The Difference between Insecurity and Jealousy
Some people believe that jealousy and insecurity are the same. While they are related to each other, they are not the same.
Jealousy refers to the thoughts and feelings of insecurity and fear that come from the lack of something or the presumption that someone else is doing better than you. Jealousy comes from a fear of losing something. In a marriage relationship, it shows up as a fear of losing a partner’s love or devotion.
Insecurity involves feeling inadequate. It can cause you to doubt your abilities, instincts, and relationships, making it difficult for you to believe in yourself and trust others. People’s insecurities can be traced back to a low self-image, lack of self-confidence caused by past negative experiences either in childhood or in a past relationship. They often do not believe they deserve to be loved and don’t know how to support their partner.
Insecurity may be the motive, but jealousy is usually the outward emotional result.
Causes of Insecurity or Jealousy
Jealousy can be induced by a multitude of circumstances, including insecurity, prior traumas, or personality or lifestyle contrasts. Jealousy or insecurity can happen for many reasons, including:
- Having a poor self-image.
- Fear of abandonment or betrayal.
- Possessiveness or a desire for control.
- A misguided sense of ownership over a partner.
- Unrealistic expectations about relationships.
- Reliving a hurtful experience of abandonment in the past.
- Worry about losing someone or something important.
Problems can arise when jealousy or insecurity moves from a healthy emotion to an unhealthy and irrational one.
When Jealousy or Insecurity Becomes Unhealthy
Jealousy or insecurity are complicated emotions that can be healthy and normal up until a point. When they become dominant emotions in your relationship, they can cause serious problems and even lead to the end of your relationship if you don't address these emotions within yourself.
Jealousy or insecurity are often associated with feeling angry, contemptuous, anxious, and depressed, which is why they can be destructive and potentially dangerous. Irrational or excessive jealousy or insecurity are often a warning sign of a potentially abusive or suffocating relationship.
Signs that jealousy or insecurity are unhealthy can include the following:
- Being paranoid about what a partner is doing or feeling.
- Demanding an account of where a partner has been.
- Displaying unusual insecurity and fear.
- Making accusations that are not true.
- Constant questioning about a partner's behaviors and motives.
- Following or stalking a partner.
- Prohibiting a partner from seeing friends or family.
- Reading emails and texts or listening to voicemails.
- Texting a partner non-stop when the couple is apart.
A perceived or real threat like infidelity can also cause jealousy and insecurities. So can a loss of intimacy or attachment or a failure to fully develop those bonds.
How to Cope with Insecurity or Jealousy
If jealousy is disrupting your marriage, there are things you can do to regain control of your relationship.
Accept that jealousy is hurting your marriage. The first step in any issue is realizing there is a problem. Keep a journal and in it track the following daily for a week:
- How often do you call your spouse?
- How often do you text your spouse?
- When your spouse comes home from work, do you question them about their whereabouts or who they’ve been with?
You should notice a pattern and be able to see how often your jealousy is interfering in your marriage.
Communicate with your partner and discuss your jealous feelings. Don’t store up these feelings and let them fester inside of you. Talk to your partner about how it makes you feel. Explain why this is bothering you so much and how it makes their love seem less special than before. Talking about it will help them understand what’s going on.
Make the decision to change your behavior. It’s easy to get caught up in negative thoughts. Learn to actively keep things in perspective. Your partner married you because they love you. Train your mind to think positively about your partner. Believe in your partner’s trustworthiness. Don’t call or text your partner constantly to determine where they are or who they are with.
Get busy in your work or involved in a hobby or community work. That adage “Idle hands are the devil’s playground” is true. Rather than sit around wondering whether your spouse is cheating on you or not, occupy your mind with something productive that makes you happy. If you are busy, there is no room to dwell on insecurities or feelings of jealousy about your partner.
Set fair ground rules that you can both agree to like not invading each other’s privacy. Don’t spy on your spouse or read their emails. Your spouse can help by letting you know advance whenever possible if they are going to be late coming home from work. Establish clear boundaries with your partner to alleviate feelings of insecurity and ensure a sense of safety within the relationship.
There are ways to overcome jealousy in marriage and restore harmony. By understanding the causes of jealousy and taking steps to deal with it, couples can protect their relationship from this destructive emotion. Marriage In a Box is a resource for helpful suggestions and guidance. Marriage In a Box provides access to tools and techniques professionals use for relationship issues. You can set goals, earn rewards, and find marriage coaching on the site. Check out the available kit and sources of information online.
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