Written by Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, the Marriage in a Box blog shares insights into common relationship struggles, gives ideas for moving beyond the roadblocks, and helps you find your path to happiness – both individually and within your relationship.
Money problems in marriage arise from imbalances in power, decision-making, and transparency. They often happen when spouses have a large inequity in their earning power. The spouse with the most income or wealth often expects to dictate the family’s spending priorities.
Power plays can occur in one of these instances:
One partner has a paid job, and the other doesn't.
Both partners would like to be working, but one is unemployed.
One spouse earns considerably more than the other.
One partner comes from a family that has money and the other doesn't.
When one or more of these situations is present, the spouse who makes or has the most money often wants to dictate and control the couple's spending. The power control can manifest itself in numerous ways that are destructive to the relationship.
One Spouse controls all the finances, doling out money to the other spouse only after being convinced that it’s use is sensible. In marriage, one spouse dominating another does not usually lead to a loving and intimate relationship.
One Spouse makes all the financial decisions without consulting the other spouse. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. If one spouse controls the decision making, the other spouse has no voice in the marriage.
One Spouse balances the checkbook, invests the family’s money, and controls the checkbook and safety deposit box. One spouse could conceivably make bad investments, overextend the family in debt, or make large withdrawals for purchases the other spouse would not approve of.
Few things build resentment more quickly than feeling marginalized, powerless, and kept in the dark by your spouse. Power play issues can get ugly fast and are a predictor of divorce. Some studies also indicate that infidelity is correlated with disparity in earning power.
Income and resource disparities are de-stabilizing for couples. Resentment and fights about money seep into every aspect of your married life. It divides you, breaks down the trust in your relationship, prevents intimacy, and can negatively affect your health.
How to End the Money Power Play
Have an open and frank discussion about your feelings about how the family finances are managed.
No problem can be resolved if you both do not communicate and address the problem. Each of you has a perspective on your finances and you need to get that out in the open. Approach the discussion with an “I” statement rather than a “You” statement.
“I feel that I do not have much input into….”
“You never discuss financial things with me…”
The “I feel...” statement is non-threatening, whereas the “You never discuss…” statement immediately puts your spouse on the defensive.
Have empathy for your spouse.
If you are the larger income earner or the wealthier of spouses, you need to be sensitive about how you throw your weight around. Try to reverse roles and imagine how you would feel in your spouse’s shoes.
Share a joint bank account that each has access to.
Relieve financial stress and resentment in your marriage by being open about your spending and the amounts in your financial accounts. You are building your finances to prepare for a happy lifetime together, so both should be part of that building.
Make important spending decisions together.
Many spouses set a spending threshold, say $200.00, that require both to talk about before spending that amount or above. It is a way of keeping your finances on track and trusting your partner.
Sometimes the higher-earning spouse will delegate all the routine spending decisions to their lower-earning, or non-earning partners. This is a way of showing respect for your spouse and assuring them a role in decision making.
Build a Future Vision for Your Finances Together
Talking about your dreams for the future can help take the animosity out of dealing with your money. It also gives you a reason to do budget checkups regularly so you can each see your progress toward your goals.
“Honey, remember we are saving up for a house, so is this really a good time for that purchase?”
“Oh, sweetie, we almost have enough for a down payment!”
Working through your financial issues in a healthy way preserves the love in your relationship. It takes a lot of security and maturity to give up power, but if have an abundance of trust in your partner, it can work for you. Sharing power fosters a sense of togetherness and increases the intimacy bond in your marriage.
One of the biggest financial issues that can negatively impact a marriage is how each spouse handles and views money. Each spouse may have different views of money, one spouse may primarily seek to save money for a rainy day, and another could have a spending fetish.
It’s very difficult for partners who view money, saving, and spending in fundamentally conflicting ways to manage household finances successfully as a team. This type of conflict will typically raise trust and intimacy issues in the relationship. After your last fight over money with your spouse, did you spend time kissing, cuddling, and getting passionate? Probably not. Money issues can eventually cause resentment and a lack of desire for intimacy, paralyzing your relationship.
Two big issues that can destroy a marriage are:
Who does the money belong to?
Very few people talk about finances before they are married, so it is easy to get into problems when each spouse has a different view of who us entitled to the marital money. Some spouses pool their money into a joint account and treat it as a joint asset by splitting expenses down the middle. However, in another marriage, one spouse may believe that since they bring in the lion’s share of the earnings, the money belongs to them. In that case, they may become controlling and insist on keeping track of the finances themselves and require the other spouse to seek their approval before spending any money.
How’s your credit?
One spouse may be perfectly comfortable using credit cards and taking out loans. Another spouse may be very wary of using credit. Do you know your partner’s credit score? knowing your partner’s credit score provides some insight into your partner’s past financial decisions. Money is a common source of stress in a marriage, so it is helpful to know how your partner has handled money in the past. It is not unusual for a spouse to find out after the marriage that their wife or husband has a run up a lot of debt and has a poor credit score.
While marriage does not automatically make one spouse responsible for another spouse’s debts, it can cause problems for the future. If you jointly apply for a credit card or a loan to purchase a house or car, the lender will consider both credit scores and, chances are, the poor credit score will result in higher interest rates and fees than if both credit scores were high.
How to Reconcile Financial Issues in Your Marriage
Financial compatibility is rarely discussed before a couple makes a long-term commitment.
However, money issues are one of the top 5 reasons for divorce. Here are three steps to take to begin reconciling your financial issues.
Don’t Play the Blame Game.
Many partners, rather than working together, start to place blame on the other person. This creates discord and resentment in the relationship. It will be impossible to fix your financial issues if you are bickering, blaming, and fighting.
Gently break the ice on a conversation with your spouse about money.
Talking about money is stressful for most people. It makes them uncomfortable and defensive. To minimize and prevent “money fights”, start off trying to understand each other’s financial priorities and dreams for your future together.
What two dreams do you have for our life together?
What dreams do you have for your own future?
If you could splurge on one thing, what would it be?
Talk openly about ideas to make your dreams come true.
Once you have some positive dreams to work toward, you can talk about how you’ll get there. You and your partner need to agree to review your current finances together and make a specific plan to save for your future together.
Do you know how much money you have?
Do you know how much money you owe?
What do you do with any excess left over?
Commit to meet and communicate regularly about your finances.
Working together and communicating openly about how to use, keep track of, and manage your money will help you avoid the “money fights.”
How can we pay down our debt and curb expenses?
How will we keep track of our money?
Do we know how to invest our money to make it grow for the future?
As you plan regularly and share your dreams, you will be strengthening the bond of your marriage and enjoy the priceless love in your marriage.
Romance is not just a young person's game. Dating sites and apps geared specifically towards seniors make locating partners easier than ever for older individuals. If you are a senior who recently found and married your golden-year love, doing a few things can help make your union smoother so you can enjoy the rest of your lives together to the utmost. Marriage In A Box recommends the following:
Figure Out Your Habitation Situation
Married couples typically cohabitate, but it can be a struggle to decide whether you should move in with your new spouse or he or she should move in with you. Purchasing a new home together is a potential solution. Considerations you need to discuss with each other include the budget, proximity to family, and space.
Stand Unified on Finances
Research shows that financial issues are one of the leading causes of divorce. Since you married later in life, both you and your spouse likely have more assets than younger couples just starting out would. Carefully consider if you want to keep finances completely separate and split all expenses, have a joint account just for household costs, and mix nothing else or merge everything.
Whatever you decide, it must be a unanimous decision between the two of you. Discuss major purchases beforehand regardless of what you choose, because it may affect your partner as well.
Update your estate plan and will or seek legal counsel and create them if you don't already have them. You may feel like there's no rush since life expectancy is predicted to be longer in the coming decades and you have plenty of time, but statistics show that approximately 50% of individuals die without a will. Both you and your new spouse have existing loved ones (children, grandchildren, siblings, friends, etc.) to consider as well as a new husband or wife. It is imperative to get in agreement about your separate or collective estates. If you don't have a plan, it can cause conflict in probate after your decease between other heirs and your spouse.
Bond Over Shared Interests
Marriage takes work to keep the relationship strong. While you obviously share interests that brought you together in the first place, you need to spend time together to continue strengthening your bond and alleviate boredom. Shared experiences serve to make your connection and intimacy with each other stronger.
One way to do this is to volunteer for a charity you both support; you can even help out online. Explore the world together. Combine and complete your bucket lists together.
Another way you can spend time together while also padding your retirement income is by starting a business together. Becoming an entrepreneur is not like clocking into another 9-to-5 job. It doesn't have to be anything complicated or with a high educational or economic cost to get into. Simple ideas such as pet care, tutoring, freelance writing or web design, babysitting, or selling crafts are viable options that grant you extra room in your budget while allowing you the flexibility and free time to live the life you want.
Maintain an Open and Honest Relationship Based on Respect, Love, and Understanding
Communication, mutual respect, understanding, and plain compassion and empathy for your spouse are key to maintaining a marriage. Misunderstandings caused by poor communication can cause major issues. Talk frequently, about everything, and, as the old adage goes, don't go to sleep angry.
Going into the commitment with a firm understanding that you are now part of a whole and need to be together on important issues can help your marriage stay strong as you continue your lives together.
Marriage is challenging for most couples. Blending your individual values, goals, and dreams with someone else requires hard work and patience. When you encounter problems, you must work with your spouse to work through those problems. Sometimes the process of working through those problems creates disappointment, conflict, and feelings of resentment, hurt, or anger. Over time, it is not uncommon for you to feel like:
You have grown apart. Most partners experience times when they don’t feel particularly close. However, when you feel like you and your spouse do not spend much time together, you are rarely intimate, you don’t function as a team anymore, or you have little to say to one another, your marriage is in trouble. People are born to need other people. You and your spouse cannot continue together unconnected.
You keep having the same fights over and over without any resolution. Every couple argues from time to time. However, if you feel like everything you do results in criticism or arguments with your spouse, something is not working in the marriage. Eventually one or both spouses just give up trying to talk about anything with their spouse. They disengage, leave the room or the house, avoid their spouse, or do whatever they can to shut out the fighting. Both partners are left angry and closed off. A marriage cannot continue in this state.
When you see these signs of trouble in your marriage, it is time to take action to restore your marriage. Here are the most common sources of conflict in Marriage and actions you and your spouse can take to improve your marriage.
CHILDREN
Children are a gift and can add meaning to a couple’s life. However, Children also take a large time commitment which can detract from your time as a couple. A significant amount of stress is added to the relationship with you have children. Childcare creates demands on the mother, particularly when children are young. Couples have less time to spend together and less energy to devote to intimacy. Parents make sacrifices of the time, their finances, their leisure opportunities, and self-care to take care of children. The demands and stress can suck the romance out of the relationship.
Both spouses must pull together and work as a team. Coming up with a fair distribution of the childcare workload and talking over parenting issues regularly can help keep stress at bay. Planning for sitters and alone time will help keep the spark alive in your romantic life. Create an emotional support system with other couple with children and family members where you can talk about parenting and marriage. Take care of yourselves by eating nutritious meals, getting enough sleep, setting aside time to exercise and play. Work together and find help whenever possible to create balance in your lives.
POOR COMMUNICATION
Healthy communication is the foundation for a successful, long-lasting marriage. Couples who don’t consider the long-term effects of their words may start bickering, arguing, or barely speaking at all. A lack of communication is another sign that your marriage is in trouble.
It’s important for couples to make the effort to maintain clear channels of communication. Both spouses should commit to unplug and discuss any issues in the marriage. Try to avoid criticism and judgmental statements during discussions. Use the “I“ statements such as “I feel this when …” This helps both spouses feel comfortable speaking freely, without fear of repercussions. Once an issue is settled, try to let bygones be bygones and avoid bringing up the past. Being able to talk to your partner means that you'll be able to share your worries, show support for one another, and work together to handle conflict more effectively. When you actively listen to and communicate with your partner, you both will feel valued and loved.
LACK OF INTIMACY
A couple’s sex life may ebb and flow over the years for any number of reasons: physical or mental health issues, having kids, stress, relationship problems or sleep issues. Keeping the romance and sexual sparks going requires consistent effort. If you don’t keep that connection, the sexual dry spells will last longer and longer. It will leave one or both partners feeling unwanted, disconnected, and unloved.
The best way to get back in the saddle is to honestly discuss the issue with your partner. Make regular date nights. Flirt with each other and reach out with thoughtful gestures. Try going to bed at the same time. Engage in playful hugging, kissing, and touching each other outside of the bedroom. It might feel awkward initially, but you need to reorient yourselves to each other’s body. Take it slow and try not to build up your expectations too soon.
MONEY
Nothing can create problems in a marriage faster than money. If you are opening a joint account or handling your finances separately, you are bound to encounter financial problems in your marriage such as job loss or debt. A difference in opinion about saving and spending habits can create tension. Problems can also arise due to a drastic difference in income between spouses. When one person makes more money than the other, they may start to feel resentful about the hours they put in at work. They may also start to think they have more “right” to the money and can spend it however they want.
Finances are a sensitive topic, and couples should carefully discuss these problems openly. Try to come up with a budget and a savings plan that meets your shared financial goals. If someone deviates from the plan, discuss the issue openly and be willing to make compromises. If might be beneficial to talk to a financial advisor to help get back on track.
WORKLOAD IMBALANCE
There are a host daily, weekly, and monthly chores and projects necessary to keep the home running and your job priorities met. If you aren’t working together, it is easy to fall into the resentment trap. You may feel underappreciated and overworked. Then the stress begins to pile up and anger builds. Before long, you are arguing about who does more or who doesn’t do their share.
Negotiating how to balance the responsibility of earning a living, maintaining home chores and projects, along with raising a family, and keeping your relationship strong requires teamwork and planning. Work together to draw up a plan of who will do what according to strengths and availability. Those things that can be done together as a couple or a family can be turned into fun ways to work side by side.
Learning to turn toward your partner, communicate openly, and keep the romance alive will help you and your spouse weather the challenges and stresses and improve your marriage bond.
The best way to prevent an affair is to build a healthy marriage. Couples with a healthy marriage feel strong in their love and aren’t swayed by another man or woman’s advances. They are committed to each other and doing what it takes to keep their marriage strong. How do you build a marriage like that?
Drop old grievances. We all have scars and damage from earlier times in our lives and marriage, but don't use an old fight as a weapon in a new one. It's unfair to throw unresolved issues at one another. Avoid hot button issues that you've already discussed until you can calmly sit down and talk through them. If you're still having trouble letting it go of them, consider journaling or talking to a counselor to prevent these grievances from undermining your marriage.
Fight fair. Avoid attacking your partner personally or accusing your spouse when you’re angry and irrational during a particularly bad argument. Call "take it back" whenever either of you says something you don't truly mean. Remind your spouse that you love them and stay focused on finding a solution, which opens the door for a compromise. You both need to know when to apologize.
Know when to listen. Sometimes, you or your partner just need to vent and spill out all the frustrations of the day. Since your partner loves you and wants you to feel better, they might offer suggestions that can produce the opposite effect intended. Don’t turn your stress into an argument with them. Listen and thank them for their suggestions.
Get along with each other’s families.
You may not love them, but you need to make the effort to at least be cordial, forgive as much as you can and start fresh with them as a member of the family. If you keep giving your husband or wife a hard time because of a rude comment your mother-in-law made, then he or she will continue to become angry at you and deepen the cracks in your marriage.
Touch as often as possible. Hold hands. Touch your husband or wife on the arm when you’re both making your morning coffee. Place your hand on his or her cheek when they kiss you good night. These little points of contact are love "marks" that stay with you and them throughout the day. The physical contact keeps you feeling adored by each other.
Speak kindly of each other. If you open up to your friends or family members about a fight you had with your spouse, they may not forgive him, even if you have. It's a betrayal to trash-talk your spouse to others. Your personal issues need to stay personal. Family and friends love it when you talk up his or her awesomeness. Everyone likes to see a happy marriage.
Have fun and a sense of humor
Even when life is stressful, express your playful and silly side by agreeing to participate in sports, video games, exercise, or other spirited activities. Showing this side of your personality reminds your spouse how much fun you are. Even if you're the worst baseball player ever, laugh at your lack of skill (instead of getting angry), so he laughs with you and sees you as adorable.
Communicate clearly about your needs.
Sometimes we all need some time to sit and unwind. Be open and honest whenever you need some alone time, whether it's 15 minutes or an hour, and vice versa. Likewise, don’t expect your spouse to read your mind. If you want something, you need to be direct and let them know, “ I want more intimate time with you.” Openness and honesty is the best way to build a strong, healthy marriage.
Are you bored with your marriage? Does your marriage feel stale? How in the world does that happen? After a few years of marriage, couples settle into a routine. If both spouses work, they put in long days at work, run an errand or two on the way home, make dinner together, and relax a little before bed. Once children come along, work, chores, kid’s activities, errands etc. seem to consume all energy and sex doesn’t happen much anymore. Before you know it, you are stuck in a passionless marriage.
When a couple loses their passion, they tend to replace it with something else. Criticism and fighting, lack of interest in each other, or becoming married roommates. If you don’t want your marriage to become another divorce statistic, you need to find a way to build emotional intimacy and closeness again. It’s time to fan the flames of passion in your marriage.
Reconnect Emotionally
Partners that have been turning away from each other need to start turning back toward each other. Start taking an interest in what your partner is doing, what makes them happy, what they like to talk about, and what turns them on. Begin with a conversation. You need to address the elephant in the room.
“Honey, I love you and I believe you love me too. However, we don’t seem to cuddle or tease or have sex anymore and I want to understand how we can change that.”
You don’t lash out at your partner and start telling them what is wrong and what they need to do. That just pushes them further away. By reassuring your partner of your love and desire for them, you are drawing them into the conversation and asking for their help in solving the problem.
Reignite the Spark
Remember when you were dating and couldn’t wait to be alone so you could start holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, and you can take it from there. Try to recreate that sexual attraction. Take every opportunity to touch, hold hands, hug, and cuddle. Use those little signals that used to drive ho or her wild link a sexy wink, or a wry smile, lock eyes, linger in the kitchen over doing the dishes and lock fingers in the soapy water. Playful physical affection often reignites the spark.
Get Your Sexy On
When was the last time you flirted with him or her? Well start it up again! Everyone wants to feel like they are desirable to their partner. Find a flirty, sexy song on YouTube and email him or her the link. Write a little naught note and stick it in his wallet or her purse. Give your partner a long, lingering kiss goodbye for work in the morning. Sweep your spouse up in your arms when you get home from work at night.
Carve out time to spend ALONE with your partner
Get up a little early in the morning and meet in the shower for a soapy interlude. Meet for an intimate lunch. Put the kids to bed early, turn off the TV and put on some soft music to cuddle to with a glass of wine. Hire a babysitter or take the kids to Grandma’s and go enjoy a night out together. The important thing is to make time for each other to talk, share your hopes and dreams, romance your partner, and focus on US.
Revisit Your Sexual Relationship
Initiate affectionate touching such as a backrub, then a massage. Ask your partner what they like during foreplay and take your time building the tension and anticipation. Let yourself be vulnerable and encourage your partner to do the same by sharing your desires and fantasies.
Keep the Passion and Intimacy Alive
Never stop planning time for each other and time for intimate sex. Take every opportunity you can to take turns initiating sex. Experiment with ways to bring each other pleasure and get to know each other on a more intimate level. The greater your emotional intimacy is, the deeper your marital bond will be.
When two people exchange their wedding vows, they promise to love, honor, and cherish, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for as long as they both shall live. The vow is stating that you pledge unconditional love to each other no matter what the circumstances are.
You pledged your love and support forever to your spouse. However, when life takes a sideways turn, one spouse can fear that the other spouse may not be there for them. All human beings need the reassurance that their spouse will love, care for, respect, and support them even in their lowest moments.
What is a supportive spouse?
Being a supportive spouse does not mean that you will wait on them hand and foot or do whatever they tell you. A supportive spouse is not someone who gives into your every demand. A supportive spouse is a true partner. It means that you support your spouse by:
Giving them space to make their own Choices. No one likes to be told what to do or to have all their decisions made for them. Whether they are trying to make a major life decision such as whether to change jobs or start a business or smaller decisions such as whether to attend their high school reunion, be supportive by listening to them, discussing the matter with them, and allowing them to make the choice.
Encourage your spouse to tackle something new to them or important to them. Support your spouse by becoming their biggest cheerleader in whatever they undertake to do. Pump up their self-esteem and let you know you believe in their abilities.
Respect your partner and let them know they are important to you. Listen to what your spouse has to say and make them feel like you are truly interested by participating in the conversation. Ask for your partner’s opinion before making decisions about things you both will use, share, do.
Give of your time to be with them and attend functions important to them. People’s lives are busy, and in many families, both spouse’s work. Make sure that you make your spouse a priority in your life. Schedule date nights, keep a calendar of events or functions that you both want to attend together. If you say you will be there, be there.
How to become a supportive spouse?
You support your spouse by how you communicate and show your support.
Communication involves:
Listening to your partner without judgement
Participating in the conversation
Trying to Understand your spouse’s opinion
Respecting their Point of view
Being honest
Expressing gratitude to your spouse
Being a Cheerleader
Making time to sit and talk
Apologizing when you are wrong
Praise your spouse often
Showing your spouse support means:
Paying attention to your spouse
Being considerate to your spouse
Helping your spouse
Viewing your spouse as a partner
Taking time to be with, play, laugh with your spouse
Respecting your spouse’s time and individual plans
Viewing your spouse’s needs as equal to yours
Give your spouse their space
Be thoughtful and empathetic
Let your spouse do things their way
Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt
Even if you have not been supportive in the past, you can start being a more supportive spouse today by doing better at communicating and showing your spouse that you love, care about, respect, and want to support them.
When you feel safe enough with your spouse to be yourself, you know you are in a supportive relationship. When you trust your spouse and believe that you can count on them in any situation, you have built a solid, supportive marriage.
Life is full of ups and downs. As often as life brings happy moments, it can deal out disappointments. Everyone is wired differently. Some people are flexible and open. They can “go with the flow” and maintain healthy relationships. Others can be somewhat rigid and closed. They may have difficulty navigating fluctuating circumstances.
In most relationships, especially ones that are longstanding or close, there are going to be differences, arguments and hurt feelings. Most times, people try to work through the rough patches, apologize and forgive, and then move past the issue. But sometimes a relationship gets stuck in a hurtful place and a grudge develops.
A grudge is a longstanding feeling of disappointment, resentment or anger toward another person which interferes with trust and openness in a relationship. Most grudges stem from an inability to express anger directly to a person who has been hurtful or unkind.
How to Handle a Grudge
If you have done something to hurt your spouse, you need to apologize sincerely. Try to understand why what you did was hurtful to your spouse. Acknowledge that you hurt them and ask for their forgiveness. This lets your spouse know that you are taking ownership of what you did and acknowledging your regret for causing them pain.
When you have hurt your spouse, you need to reassure them of your love for them. If you do not understand why they were hurt by what you said or did, you need to gently reassure your spouse that you love them and never meant to hurt them. Ask them to talk to you about their feelings and give them a chance to talk through their hurt.
Don’t expect forgiveness. Depending on what was said or done, you may have to be patient and give your spouse time to work through their pain. Forgiveness often takes time. Be patient and gently remind them that you care.
How to let go of a Grudge
In a marriage, when your spouse does something that hurts you deeply, you must eventually make a choice. Either turn inward and away from your spouse and hold on to that anger and hurt or find a way to move past it and forgive your spouse.
Holding a grudge does not hurt your spouse. It hurts you. Holding a grudge does not make you strong, it makes you bitter. By holding onto your anger at being hurt or betrayed, you are choosing to play the victim.
Holding a grudge is unhealthy and stands between you and intimacy with your spouse. You are choosing to shut your spouse out of your life. If you choose to continue to hold the grudge, you risk losing a deeply meaningful relationship in your life—your marriage.
Try to remember all the reasons you married your spouse and forgive them.
Forgiveness does not mean what happened was OK. The process of forgiveness is learning to let it go and move on.
Forgiveness is not given because your spouse deserves forgiveness. Forgiveness simply means that you are putting your grudge against the other person to rest.
Forgiveness does not make you weak, it sets you free.
Forgiveness is not for the benefit of your spouse. Forgiveness is for you because you deserve peace. Forgiveness frees you from negative thoughts about your spouse and makes room in your life for happiness.
Your marriage is tested when you go through a rough patch and come out the other side. Because you choose to work it out together rather than just give up, your marriage will likely be stronger, and you will regain the love and happiness that brought you together in the first place.
Long-term solutions to the most common relationship struggles.
