Ditch those Grudges and Forgive Your Spouse
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Life is full of ups and downs. As often as life brings happy moments, it can deal out disappointments. Everyone is wired differently. Some people are flexible and open. They can “go with the flow” and maintain healthy relationships. Others can be somewhat rigid and closed. They may have difficulty navigating fluctuating circumstances.
In most relationships, especially ones that are longstanding or close, there are going to be differences, arguments and hurt feelings. Most times, people try to work through the rough patches, apologize and forgive, and then move past the issue. But sometimes a relationship gets stuck in a hurtful place and a grudge develops.
A grudge is a longstanding feeling of disappointment, resentment or anger toward another person which interferes with trust and openness in a relationship. Most grudges stem from an inability to express anger directly to a person who has been hurtful or unkind.
How to Handle a Grudge
If you have done something to hurt your spouse, you need to apologize sincerely. Try to understand why what you did was hurtful to your spouse. Acknowledge that you hurt them and ask for their forgiveness. This lets your spouse know that you are taking ownership of what you did and acknowledging your regret for causing them pain.
When you have hurt your spouse, you need to reassure them of your love for them. If you do not understand why they were hurt by what you said or did, you need to gently reassure your spouse that you love them and never meant to hurt them. Ask them to talk to you about their feelings and give them a chance to talk through their hurt.
Don’t expect forgiveness. Depending on what was said or done, you may have to be patient and give your spouse time to work through their pain. Forgiveness often takes time. Be patient and gently remind them that you care.
How to let go of a Grudge
In a marriage, when your spouse does something that hurts you deeply, you must eventually make a choice. Either turn inward and away from your spouse and hold on to that anger and hurt or find a way to move past it and forgive your spouse.
Holding a grudge does not hurt your spouse. It hurts you. Holding a grudge does not make you strong, it makes you bitter. By holding onto your anger at being hurt or betrayed, you are choosing to play the victim.
Holding a grudge is unhealthy and stands between you and intimacy with your spouse. You are choosing to shut your spouse out of your life. If you choose to continue to hold the grudge, you risk losing a deeply meaningful relationship in your life—your marriage.
Try to remember all the reasons you married your spouse and forgive them.
Forgiveness does not mean what happened was OK. The process of forgiveness is learning to let it go and move on.
Forgiveness is not given because your spouse deserves forgiveness. Forgiveness simply means that you are putting your grudge against the other person to rest.
Forgiveness does not make you weak, it sets you free.
Forgiveness is not for the benefit of your spouse. Forgiveness is for you because you deserve peace. Forgiveness frees you from negative thoughts about your spouse and makes room in your life for happiness.
Your marriage is tested when you go through a rough patch and come out the other side. Because you choose to work it out together rather than just give up, your marriage will likely be stronger, and you will regain the love and happiness that brought you together in the first place.
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