When Arguing Becomes Nagging the Marriage Suffers
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Psychological research tells us that women are more likely to be nags than men. It is possible for husbands to nag, and wives to resent them for nagging. But women are more likely to nag, experts say, largely because they are conditioned to feel more responsible for managing home and family life.
Have you ever thought about what nagging is?
Nagging is finding fault with someone and criticizing them. It could be nitpicking every little thing your spouse does, like how he folds the laundry or how he eats soup. Often times nagging takes the form of commanding or demanding that your spouse do things and repeating it over and over again until they do it. In addition to words, nagging can include non-verbal body language such as eye rolls folded arms and angry stances.
Why Nagging Doesn't Work
- Even though your gripes may be valid, nagging makes your spouse resentful.
- Nagging makes your spouse defensive.
- Nagging puts you in the parent role and your spouse in the child role. This isn't healthy for your marriage relationship.
- Nagging is disrespectful.
- Nagging is often perceived as criticism, so your spouse may tune out making what you are saying ineffective.
- When your spouse is being nagged, he/she probably feels attacked personally.
- Nagging can make your spouse feel inadequate.
Three Ways to End Nagging
- Gratitude. Instead of worrying that your spouse did not do something they way you expected, thank them for what they did do. Chances are they will be more likely to want to do things when you ask them to.
- Ask Lovingly. Instead of telling our spouse to do something 5 times in the same encounter, we need to kindly ask him/her for what we need. Then, we ask him/her for an approximate time frame that he/she thinks he/she can complete the task–if our spouse says he/she can do it at all. And, then we wait. This shows our spouse that we trust him other to follow through on the task.
- Sit down with your spouse and tell them how you feel and what you need.
One person, no matter how much you love and trust them, can never meet all your expectations and needs. People will not change for you — and more importantly, you should not ask them to. Love, unconditional or otherwise, should never require supplication or submission, no matter how compelling the reason.
Nagging can make you lose track of who you are: two people who love each other and struggle with an ineffective communication habit. Think about changing your habit before you dream about changing your partner.
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