Unrealistic Expectations Can Set Your Marriage Up for Failure

Posted on 3/13/2024

We can pick up unrealistic expectations about marriage from our families, friends, fairy tales or other books, television and movies, blogs, and magazine articles. Such expectations can set you up for misunderstandings with your partner, which can drive a wedge into your relationship. Let’s uncover the truth behind unrealistic expectations.

8 Common Unrealistic Expectations

1. Your Partner’s Looks. Over time everyone ages and no amount of beauty treatments or hours at the gym will bring back the looks you had when you first got married. Certainly, you should make every effort to appear attractive to one another, However, learn to accept each other for who you are and what you look like.

2. Continuous Sex. When you were first married, you probably couldn’t wait to have sex and might have had sex 3 to 4 times per week. As your lives change, children, jobs and other things may take up more of your time. The number of times you have sex may drop down. When that happens, don’t assume that your partner does not love you. Make plans to schedule sex dates to keep the fires burning and don’t worry about the number of times you have sex; it’s the quality that counts anyway.

3. One Partner is Responsible for Date Night Plans. Expecting one spouse to always be the one to plan and initiate your plans for date night is selfish and unrealistic. While it may have true while you were dating, during marriage both partners should take turns arranging your date nights.

4. One Partner is Responsible for Finances. It really isn’t wise to make one partner responsible for your joint finances. It is an important part of your lives, and you should both be aware of your financial status, do your part to maintain your financial accounts, and sit down and discuss your financial goals and your progress regularly.

5. Your Partner Should Spend Their Free Time with You. It isn’t healthy to expect your partner to spend all their time with you. You both should have time with your friends and sports or hobbies that you pursue. It makes you a more well-rounded person and gives you both things to talk about.

6. Your Partner Should Be the One to Apologize. If you make unkind remarks in an argument or have done something to hurt your partner, you should be the one to apologize. That’s just a sign of maturity. Own your stuff!

7. One Partner Takes Care of Household Chores. Even if you are a stay-at-home spouse, taking care of all the household chores is too over much for one person to handle. Sit down and work out a fair distribution of the chores to be done.

8. Your Partner Should Know What You are Thinking. In the movies, people might have magical powers and the ability to read your mind. In real life, that’s not possible. Be open with your partner and calmly discuss things that are bothering your so that you can work them out together.

The Danger of Unrealistic Expectations

What makes preconceived expectations so dangerous to your marriage? Unrealistic expectations can lull people into the idea that the person they married, and your marriage, will remain as they were in your first year of marriage. People and relationships are not static; they both grow and change over time. Life changes such as career, children, moving to a new location or home, etc. necessitate changes in your schedule, home life, sex life, etc.

When someone has set expectations about how their partner should act and what they should receive from their partner, they can become upset, angry, and resentful when those expectations are not met.

Such expectations can prevent you from being fully present in current circumstances. They can stifle you into not being flexible or taking risks that allow you to grow. They don’t provide room for working with your partner to deal with unexpected changes in your lives.

How To Break Those Unrealistic Expectations You Have

The good news tis that you and your spouse can unwind those expectations by practicing following:

Reframe What Attracted You to Your Spouse.

Everyone has several things that may have attracted them to their spouse and helped them decide to build a life with them. Very few people make their decision based on physical qualities alone. Perhaps they have a certain confidence or sense of humor that endears them to you. It could be their warm personality or the way they make you feel safe. Whatever those qualities were, focus on those.

Maintain a level of independence.

It is a compliment when someone wants to spend time with you. However, when you expect them to spend all their time with you, it can be suffocating and uncomfortable. Most people need space to spend time with friends, enjoy sports or hobbies, or just relax alone. People that have variety of interests, yet still remain a close relationship with their spouse are more likely to be happier.

Create a more even division of labor.

When you move into a long-term relationship like marriage, it isn’t fair to expect one person to do all the planning, shopping, or house chores. In fact, it would likely leave them stressed out and resentful. Work together with your spouse to determine a fair division of labor that doesn’t leave either of you feeling like you are being taken advantage of. Perhaps you can break it down by your least favorite and most favorite task to do.

Communicate with Your Partner.

Most arguments in marriage can be avoided when couples learn to communicate. That means listening to each other’s point of view and trying to understand their intention before assuming the worst. It involves respecting your partner enough to sit down and talk things out before making big decisions. Communication requires loving your spouse enough to discuss the things you are excited about and the things that bother you with them.

If you and your spouse struggle with unrealistic expectations, consider using Marriage In a Box as a resource for helpful suggestions and guidance. Marriage In a Box provides access to tools and techniques professionals use for relationship issues. You can set goals, earn rewards, and find marriage coaching on the site. Check out the available kit and sources of information online.

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