Putting Kids First Can Kill Your Marriage
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A study by the National Center for Family & Marriage Research reports that the divorce rate has decreased among adults under age 35. However, the divorce rate among adults over 35 has risen, particularly among adults over 55. The reason most stated for divorce among older adults is that they no longer have much in common and don’t love each other.
Wow! Older couples have usually been together a long time, raised children together and yet, many have fallen out of love. These couples have allowed their marriage to erode and they’ve become emotionally disconnected. How does that happen?
They spent all of their time and energy providing for and raising their children, but did not nurture their marriage. After years of neglect, when the children grew up and moved out on their own, husband and wife did not know what to do with them. They no longer knew each other, and found they no longer had romantic interest in each other.
This does not have to be your marriage. Couples who want kids and those who have kids can build a happy marriage that lasts a lifetime.
Rule #1: Your Marriage is Your No.1 Priority, not the Kids
Ask anyone who has a new baby in the house; caring for young children can consume ALL of your time, if you let it. There’s the feedings, the diaper changings, the intermittent sleep patterns. Even amidst all of that, you still need to make time for your spouse and your marriage.
Once the baby is a sleep, make a meal together and enjoy some adult conversation and catch up on your day. Share the baby duties so that one spouse is not worn out while the other is ready to go. Sneak in time for romance.
Rule #2: Bond Your Marriage with Communication.
As children grow older, life becomes more hectic and communication with your spouse can tend to focus on shopping lists, tasks to be done, coordinating schedules, discipline issues with the kids, etc. etc. that is not the type of communication that creates an intimate connection between you and your spouse. Family communication can often tend to be the kids interrupting your conversations to tell you something, ask you something, etc.
Remember when you were dating and spent hours discussing each other’s hopes, dreams, goals, and concerns? That was intimate communication. The difference is that the conversation focused on each of you, and you as a couple, not the kids, the chores, etc.
Connect with each other every day by setting aside some time to tune out distractions and talking to each other like you did when you were dating.
Rule #3: Don’t Bury the Issues
Every marriage hits a roadblock at some point. If the issue that is bothering you about your marriage or parenting is not addressed, it will fester like an open sore and do serious damage. “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” is an old saying that actually proves true. Whatever the issue is, and no matter how uncomfortable you are, the sooner you talk it through with your spouse and come to a mutually agreed solution, the better.
Schedule time to talk with your spouse out of earshot of the little ones. Set the mood by calming stating what is bothering you. I feel this …..when you…… Listen to your spouse’s response. Discuss and focus on solutions, not blame.
Rule #4: Treat each other with Appreciation and Love.
Remember to acknowledge each other’s efforts. "Honey, that dinner was delicious." "Dear, thank you for fixing the leak in the faucet." Hold hands, cuddle and give each other a kiss often. Everyone wants to feel that spark of romance, even years after your first date. Keep that spark alive with small, every day bits of appreciation and love.
A healthy, long-term marriage means working together as a team, loving each other, loving your children and planning for life together after the children are gone.
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