No Such Thing As A Winning Argument In Marriage
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Wanting to win, to be right, is natural; it makes us feel strong and safe and gratified. It's also disastrous for a relationship. Consider the following argument:
Alice says, "You're always working. You don't spend enough time at home. I feel like a work widow."
Rodney says, "Nothing is ever good enough for you," he said angrily. "I'm always working because you're always spending so much money."
Alice says, "At least I'm at home with the family, not married to my job. I might as well be single. In fact, I am."
Rodney says, “Well at least I’m not a selfish shrew, bankrupting the family.”
Personal attacks on the other person. Accusations and name calling. The issue is not being defined and discussed and no resolution is being looked for.
When the goal is winning instead of understanding, partners are more likely to ignore, or trample, each other's feelings. That launches a spiral of escalating resentment and hostility leading to alienation—a troubling distance from each other that can become unbridgeable when communication breaks down completely.
Be more interested in understanding your spouse than in winning.
Winning makes some people feel—for a moment—safe and triumphant, and these short-term gains fool them into thinking that they've chosen the right tactic. But, paradoxically, going for the win is the course of action least likely to get them what they really want.
How can you understand your partner vs. win the argument?
- Physically distance yourself from your partner. An argument is a time of heightened emotions. Because it can be difficult to think clearly, physically distancing yourself can help your emotions to settle. However, never leave without giving an explanation or without agreeing to resume the discussion at some later time.
- Begin your communication with the mind set of listening and understanding one another. As you attempt to clarify the conflict, repeat, using your own words, your mate's position. Actively listen and understand what your mate is saying. In turn, this slows down the process and allows each person to feel heard and understood.
- Create a “win-win” solution. This doesn't necessarily mean compromising. Sometimes compromising creates a quick-fix solution where no one is pleased with the outcome. Furthermore, important issues may be overlooked. Instead, in a "win-win" situation, needs are met on both sides. Win-win solutions can be created in a variety of different ways. Techniques like "brainstorming" and "pros vs. cons" lists work great.
- The resolution process isn't complete until you've made sure that forgiveness has taken place. This step is so crucial because emotional injury can occur when resentment or anger continues after the conflict has ended. Although feelings may be hurt once the argument has finished, it's important not to let the sun go down on your anger. Try to identify your own contribution to the problem and seek forgiveness from your mate.
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