Neither You Nor Your Spouse Is a Mind Reader
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You may have heard the expression, “We know each other so well that we can finish each other’s sentences.” How likely is it that you intuitively know what your partner thinks, feels, or does at any given time? Yet, one partner often expects their spouse to “know me so well they know that you know how I feel.” The expectation and assumption that your partner should be able to read your mind suggests they have a crystal ball or some magic power that eliminates the need to have a conversation about any experience. Such an expectation or assumption often leads to confrontation and conflict in your marriage.
The Problem with Assumptions
Suppose Angelina made Josef’s favorite dinner one night. However, Josef was called into a last-minute meeting and got home late. When he arrived home, Angelina had thrown the dinner out and was cleaning up the kitchen banging drawers and cabinets loudly. Josef apologized for being late, but before he could explain, Angelina retorted, “Just save it, Joseph. I know you expect me to wait dinner on you while you go out with your work buddies, but I have better things to do with my time.” Then she stomped out of the kitchen toward the bedroom. Josef expected Angelina to understand that he was working late. Angelina expected Josef to be surprised and delighted with his favorite dinner, but when he was late, she assumed he was out with friends. Both partners had expectations of the other and made assumptions that turned out to be incorrect.
Expecting your partner to just “know” what you are doing or feeling is unreasonable because no one is a mind reader. Assumptions are often made without sufficient information or misinformation, which can lead to misunderstandings, arguments, and hurt feelings.
Signs You Might Be Expecting Your Partner to Read Your Mind
• Not expressing needs and feeling disappointed when they aren’t met.
• Getting upset that your spouse “doesn’t get it” without any explanation.
• Passive-aggressive behaviors or withdrawal when expectations aren't met.
Clear Communication is Crucial
It isn’t fair to get mad at your spouse for not understanding how you feel and what you want if you are not clearly telling them. No one understands angry accusations before you have even asked what happened. Banging drawers and cabinets and stomping off before listening or having a conversation is not likely to resolve the issue.
Communication is a learned skill. The good news is you can change how you react to situations and learn to communicate your feelings. When you take the time to talk to your spouse, ask questions, get the facts, and empathize, you can express your needs clearly, reign in your emotions, and avoid unnecessary fights. If you sense something is going on with your partner, ask “What are you feeling or thinking?” This will let your partner know that you care and truly want to learn more about their experience.
How to Achieve Clearer Communication in Marriage
• Practice Self-Reflection: Know what you need before expecting your partner to understand. Suppose you were upset that your spouse came home late from work and did not call to tell you they would be late. Before you talk to your partner about it, think about what you want them to understand. Do you want them to call so you know not to wait on them for dinner? Do you want them to inform you when you will be working late so you don’t schedule plans for the two of you?
• Don’t expect Your Partner to Read Your Mind: As much as you might want to believe your spouse knows you, they cannot know what you are thinking unless you tell them.
• Express Yourself Clearly: Start your statements with “I feel...” or, “I need…” to communicate your feelings and needs. Example: “When you make plans with your friends that don’t include me, I feel like you do not want to spend time with me.” Or” I need a few evenings where you and I spend time together.”
• Ask Questions: Check in with your partner rather than assuming their
thoughts or feelings. Example:” Honey, I know I had to work late this week for
this big project. Are you feeling okay about that?”
• Actively Listen: Focus on something other than what you want to say. Develop a habit of listening to your partner without interruptions or judgments. Take time to process what they are saying before you respond.
• Empathize: Try to visualize and understand how your partner might receive what you are saying before you say it.
Create a Safe Space for Honest Conversations
• Build trust so both of you feel comfortable expressing your thoughts and feelings.
• Reduce the fear of judgment or criticism in conversations.
Practicing clear, open communication and avoiding assumptions or expectations that your partner can read your mind will lead to greater emotional intimacy. Stronger communication leads to a deeper connection and a healthier relationship.
If you’re seeking ways to improve communication and eliminate misunderstandings in your marriage, consider using Marriage In a Box for professional support, helpful suggestions, and guidance. Marriage In a Box provides access to tools and techniques that professionals use to address relationship issues. On the site, you can set goals, earn rewards, and find marriage coaching. Check out the available kit and sources of information online.
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