Learn to Set Boundaries With Extended Family to Protect Your Marriage
Posted on
When you marry, you do not just marry your spouse. You also marry into their family, which becomes your extended family. Everyone wants their spouse’s family to accept them; however that is not always the case. While some extended family members can be helpful and supportive, others can be overly critical and/or difficult to get a long with, which can create stress in the marriage. Learning how you and your spouse can deal with extended family members can prevent a lot of conflicts that can tear at your marriage.
Rule #1: You Can’t Control Their Behaviors but You Can Control How You Respond to Them.
Gretta’s mother-in-law came over to her house frequently. She would stay late and sometimes interfere when Gretta was trying to get the children ready for bed. Gretta understood her mother-in-law’s intentions were good in trying to help out since her husband worked late, however, Gretta found that this interfered with her time with the children. Gretta decided to talk with her mother-in-law about the importance of the children being able to wind down before bed without having company present. She requested that her mother-in-law leave by 7:00 each day. Gretta found that after making this change, her mother-in-law agreed, and Gretta found herself in a better mood and more patient.
You do not have to be the victim nor do you have to be the adversary. Set some clear boundaries and explain them to your extended family in a calm but firm manner.
Rule #2: Don’t Put Your Spouse in the Middle
Sometimes extended family members can get on your last nerve with frequent criticisms, unsolicited advice, obvious slights and invasions of privacy. The natural tendency is to want to vent to your spouse describing the slights or irritating behaviors that his or her mother, father, aunt, uncle etc.
Carlos’s father-in-law drove him crazy. He often gave him advice on how to maintain the yard, repair something in the house, and parent the children. Carlos often held in his feelings until after his father-in-law left. Then he complained to his spouse about how annoying his father is. This only led to conflicts between Carlos and his spouse and his spouse felt like they were being put in the middle. A better solution to the problem would have been for Carlos to talk directly to his father-in-law about his concerns.
Building a healthy marriage may sometimes involve confronting extended family members who may not be happy with your decisions or methods of doing things. For the sake of your relationship, it is important to let extended family members know that your marriage, spouse and immediate family are a priority and they need to accept and respect that.
