How To Rebuild Trust In Your Marriage After It’s Broken
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Trust is built over time through communication, conversation, and shared experiences. Trust is tested through a variety of circumstances and challenges in even the best of relationships. It’s something that can take a long time to build but can be undone in a moment.
What is Trust?
Trust in a relationship generally means you don’t need to check up on your partner. You have faith in them and feel able to talk about any concerns you might have. When you trust your partner,
• You feel committed to the relationship and to your partner.
• You feel safe with your partner and know they’ll respect physical and emotional boundaries.
• You know your partner listens when you communicate your needs and feelings.
• You don’t feel the need to hide things from your partner.
• You and your partner respect each other.
• You can be vulnerable together.
• You support each other.
Betrayal, disappointment, dishonesty, manipulation can undo a relationship either instantly or over time.
What do you do when you’re in a relationship in which trust has been broken?
It is perfectly natural to feel hurt, shocked, and question whether you should stay in the marriage or not.
Start by Talking With Your Partner
While you may not want to talk to or listen to your partner, you need to have a conversation with them. Why did they do it? Sometimes people can feel stuck or forced into a lie because they were trying to protect themselves from admitting they made a poor choice, got themselves into a bad money situation, or some miscommunication or misunderstanding.
This conversation is not to give your partner a chance to justify what they did. Whatever happened, you need an opportunity to:
• Get it all out in the open
• Tell them how deeply hurt you feel
• Explain why what they did betrayed your trust.
• Decide whether you are able to work with your partner to rebuild the trust in your marriage.
Whether you both decide to rebuild your marriage or not will likely take more than one conversation.
7 Steps To Rebuilding Trust
There are seven key steps to rebuilding trust in a relationship after trust has been broken.
1. The partner that broke the trust (Partner A) must own what they did and offer a sincere apology.
Until that partner is willing to admit what they did and feel sincere regret, the process of rebuilding cannot begin. This is their decision to make a conscious commitment to do things differently from this point forward. The person who has violated the trust must be willing to change their behavior.
2. Allow time for you and your partner to process what happened.
Even if you’re ready to apologize, talk about what happened, and begin working through things, your partner may not feel ready yet. It can take time to come to terms with a betrayal or broken trust. It’s important to avoid pressuring them to have a discussion before they’re ready. Apologize and let your partner know you’re ready when they are. If too much time goes by, you may want to consider talking to a marriage counselor who can provide supportive guidance for you both.
3. The person who has been hurt or offended (Partner B) must be willing to forgive.
Forgiving is often the most challenging part of the process. Forgiveness means that you are ready to give up your right to strike back or seek justice. However, forgiveness is one of the first steps that must be taken for true healing and restoration to take place within a relationship. Depending on the betrayal, it might be hard to forgive your partner and move forward. But try to remember that forgiving your partner isn’t saying that what they did was OK. You are coming to terms with what happened and agreeing to leave it in the past.
4. Both partners need to agree on what is needed to rebuild the marriage.
The partner who as hurt may want more communication and transparency in the future from Partner A. Both partners must be committed to making changes that will foster trust and intimacy. This may involve setting boundaries, sharing your feelings and frustrations, and actively working to understand each other's needs. In defining what is needed to make the relationship work, avoid ultimatums that can trigger conflict like, “you must always or never...” Instead use ”I” statements such as, “I need to feel like I can rely on you to…”
5. Avoid dwelling on the past.
Partner B might have a hard time letting go of the betrayal and find it difficult to start trusting Partner A, especially if you’re worried about another betrayal. However, you cannot move past it and rebuild trust by continuously rehashing what happened. To move forward and rebuild trust, it’s crucial to focus on the present. This means letting go of past hurts and resentments and focusing on what you can do today to strengthen your relationship.
6. Focus on building a new relationship.
The very foundation of your relationship needs to be rebuilt, therefore it is a new relationship. Communication skills have to be improved upon, deeper vulnerability needs to be worked on, and boundaries have to be discussed and kept. Whatever you are verbally committing to make sure your behavior is exactly in alignment. The longer you are consistent with what you say and what you do, the more trust gets built. Be patient. Trust is rebuilt in small steps gradually over time.
7. Renew Your commitment to your marriage and to each other.
Both people must be willing to work through challenges and have honest conversations. Both of you must agree to leave what has happened behind you and move forward on a new path in your relationship.
While broken trust can be incredibly damaging, it's not necessarily a death sentence for a marriage. With conscious effort and the right approach, couples can often rebuild trust and strengthen their bond.
If you are struggling with trust issues, consider using Marriage In a Box for professional support, helpful suggestions, and guidance. Marriage In a Box provides access to tools and techniques that professionals use to address relationship issues. On the site, you can set goals, earn rewards, and find marriage coaching. Check out the available kit and sources of information online.
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