Get What You Want And Deserve In Your Relationship
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By the time you reach adulthood, what you want is heavily diluted with the thoughts, opinions, and actions of parents, friends, teachers, coaches etc. Adding a spouse often makes the puzzle much trickier to solve with two lives superimposed on each other. How do you clear the path to see what you each want and deserve to have in your relationship?
As a relationship progresses, it’s easy to focus on its problems.
As a result, when we communicate with a partner, we often say what we don’t want instead of what we do. Somehow, it’s easier to complain or vocalize dissatisfaction than to directly state or ask for what we actually desire.
Two reactions to problems in a marriage
Unfortunately, most people automatically take a defensive, self-protective stance in relation to the inevitable hurts they experience with their partner. When in this defended, self-righteous posture, they lose track of their ultimate goal. The conversation becomes about being “wronged” or winning an argument instead of resolving an issue that’s making them not feel as close to their partner.
While many partners tend to be combative, others take the opposite approach: Rather than say what they want, they shut down or turn inward. They may feel quietly resentful toward their partner or indulge in destructive thoughts toward themselves.
In either of these reactions, the person is avoiding expressing, or sometimes even acknowledging, his or her basic wants and desires.
What do happy couples have in common?
The two most important elements for a successful marriage are clarity and being deserving. In harmonious relationships, both partners are generally clear about what they want and believe that they are deserving of it. Four ways to move towards getting what you want and deserve from your relationship.
- Drop Your Side of the Argument.
First calm down within yourself, refuse to lash back, and instead say something warm and honest like, “I care more about feeling good with you than winning this argument.” Taking these steps often softens the other person, and he or she, too, is more likely to drop his or her side of the argument. You can then communicate from a more direct, vulnerable stance that isn’t about blame or being right.
- Drop the “I”
Try not to speak in an entitled manner, as if you’re demanding something, or using words like “I deserve.” When someone in a relationship acts like their partner owes them something, it only serves to alienate or irritate a partner. You shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed to simply state what you want.
- Drop the victim.
No one can or should expect any one other person to meet all their needs. Rather, you should strive to feel like a whole person in yourself. There’s an important difference between saying what you want as an adult and feeling like a dependent child whose survival depends on your partner giving you what you need. Your words should be an authentic expression of what you want, not a demand for what you “need” or an expectation of what you’re “entitled” to.
- Drop the “You”
Many people tend to accuse their partner, saying, “You don’t act excited to see me anymore," or, "You’re always distracted.” It is valid to give your partner feedback, but if all he or she hears is a stream of complaints, it is more likely to drive them away than to get them to move closer to you.
Every one of us has defenses surrounding our wants and desires, but it’s beneficial to let your guard down and take a chance on being direct in your adult relationships. Try using open, direct statements like..”I feel…”, “ I want to feel…..” When you express yourself in this way, you learn that you are worthy of what you want—and much more likely to get it.
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