Fighting Fair Creates A Stronger Marriage
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All couples argue or fight at some point in their relationship. It’s not whether you fight or not that is important, It is how you fight that ultimately determines the fate of your marriage.
When you fight unfairly with your spouse you are, maybe unintentionally, sending them negative signals that can be way more harmful and hurtful than whatever it is you are arguing about.
When you fight in a way that deeply hurts your spouse their behavior will change. They may do whatever it takes to avoid a fight and become closed off. Telling you less about how they feel for fear of a fight and letting more problems build, furthering resentment. It is an endless cycle that makes the relationship more difficult to repair. Ultimately, this can end in feeling distant, alone, and possibly lead to divorce.
So how do you fight fairly?
- Establish a “time out” word that lets your partner know that you need some time out to cool down because you re bout to lose control. Maintaining control of your emotions during an argument is critical to successful resolution of your issues. You need to learn to recognize when you are bout to lose control and call for a time out before thinks escalate.
- Don’t interrupt your partner. When you interrupt your partner while they are talking, you are not listening to understand the issue and their feelings. Instead you are listening just long enough to think of a response. By interrupting, you are taking control of the conversation and signaling to your partner that you are not interested in what they have to say.
- Don’t get off track by bringing up the past. Most people feel the need to be “right” and, when irritated or in a marital fight, they bring in details of a partner’s past slights or transgressions.
- Attack the issue, not each other. Don’t belittle your spouse by name calling, hurling insults or bringing them low with attacks on their personal character. This is not constructive and won’t fix the problem. Talk about the issue, not the person.
- Take responsibility. If you are to blame for the issue or problem, take responsibility for hurting your partner and apologize. This restores your bond with your partner and lets them know how important your marriage is to you.
Those couples that practice fair fighting tend to argue and fight less in their marriage and generally stay together. The bond grows stronger and a more loving relationship is established.
Learn more about our Couples Therapy Exercises