Be Nice-Even When Your Spouse Isn’t
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The reason many couples fall out of love is because they stop treating each other with a certain respect, warmth, attraction, passion and affection that makes up romantic love. At a particular point in their relationship, one spouse stops leaning in, quits showing care and concern, and ends their acts of kindness. Why stop treating each other with kindness?
Fear of getting too intimate. Many of us have unconscious fears around intimacy that cause us to want to keep our partner at a certain emotional distance. We resist getting too close in many, often unconscious, ways in order to maintain old, familiar defenses that may keep us feeling safe and self-protected but that actually limit us in our lives.
Viewing Love as a fantasy. Without realizing it, couples can form a fantasy relationship based on what they think love should be instead of what it really is in order to feel a sense of safety. However, what they end up feeling is resentment and frustration. Instead of seeing their partner as someone they chose, they may feel like their partner is someone they’re stuck with.
Focusing on yourself. So often we can get wrapped up in a “me, me, me” attitude without even realizing it. We become so distracted and lost in our own heads that we stop thinking of our partner as a real person being affected by us. We may feel victimized because we do and give so much, but we refuse to slow down and see things from our partner’s point of view.
Projecting the past. We all have an inner voice that can send thoughts to us when we feel as if we are in danger. A person with a bad relationship in their past may project negative thoughts onto their current partner. “He’s cheating again!” “She doesn’t want to be with you, you’re being used.” The old experiences control how you react in your current relationship.
How to return kindness to your marriage
The only person we have any real control over is ourselves. You need to make the first move. You have to lean in, show you care, and begin to change your romantic relationship. It starts with kindness. Being kind is the only real action we can take to improve our relationship.
- When you feel triggered by your partner, try to take a breath or take a walk before you react. Find ways to calm yourself down, so that you can feel whatever you feel then act in a way that reflects the outcome you truly desire.
- In order to move forward, you have to be willing to let go of the past and surpass it by being even more vulnerable and open to love. Letting go of your defenses will let more love into your life.
- End an argument by dropping your half of the argument and saying something kind, open and vulnerable like “I care more about being close to you than I do about winning this argument.”
- Paying attention to your partner and acknowledge their feelings. It will make them feel safe and seen. Then, you can be kind by engaging in behavior that acknowledges their wants and desires.
Reach out to your partner, show concern and care and stick with the behavior of being kind. You’ll be amazed at the way this can melt your partner’s heart and cause them to reciprocate.
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