Avoid Arguments In Your Marriage
Posted on
Any marriage will have its share of arguments but some arguments can be avoided before they even begin. Many arguments in the marriage arise because one spouse didn’t listen to the other or did not support the other. Consider this example:
Your spouse comes home from work and tells you, “I had a bad day today. The new boss is changing things around and I may have to change my schedule and work nights now.”
Possible response to your spouse:
Response A: “Your boss sounds like a jerk. Maybe you should quit.”
Response B: “That will be stressful for you. Dinner will be ready in 15 minutes.”
Response C: “ Wow that stinks. My day was worse than that. “
Response D: “Honey I’m sorry your day was so bad. I heard you say you might have to work nights. Is there anything I can do to support you?”
Response A is a typical response from the spouse that is a “Fixer”. It is a natural tendency to want to solve or fix our partner’s problems. No one wants to see his or her spouse upset or hurt. However, your partner may not be looking for you to fix their problem so they feel compelled to argue with you about why that solution won’t work. It may be that all they need from you is to listen to them so they feel heard and understood.
Response B is a typical response from the spouse that is a “Half-Listener”. Sometimes you can get so caught up in what you are doing that you do not give your spouse your full attention when they are talking to you. As a result, your spouse becomes offended and argues with you about how you never listen to them.
Response C is a typical response from the spouse that is a “One-Upper”. You may feel that you both need to share your bad day experiences, but by making your experience seem worse than theirs you have completely ignored their and left the unsupported. As a result, your spouse could argue that you are being selfish.
All three responses A, B, and C are negative responses that can interfere with the conversation and leave your partner feeling unheard, misunderstood and unsupported. Response D provides a better way to respond to a partner’s concern by:
- Acknowledging their concern
- Repeating back to them their issue with an “I heard you say.”
- Offering Your Support
Avoiding common pitfalls by listening, understanding and supporting your spouse when they express a troubling issue can make each of you feel comfortable sharing anything with the other.
